Guardianship Conservatorship

Kdsfit

Hello

Long story so i apologize. My brother and i were granted guardianship and conservator 18 months ago. It was dumped on me to do all the work. Bills, investments, cars, property. He doesnt go see mom. His wife (not part of g/c) signs into court account and monitors what i do, calls the drs, nurses, memory care and tries to change things in place. She reads my brothers email and responds as him. If i text him he sent respond. My mom was in the hospital in July-he never showed once. Not in er, not for surgery, not for a week in the hospital. 

I don’t know how to deal with this. The work is overwhelming. I’ve got the financials in place, pray things are invested ok, travelled to get Florida place, cleaned out (amongst cock rosches) her place alone, got it on market and sold for top dollar. I work during summer at her cabin to clean out 60 years of stuff-long way to go. Do the up keep there weekly. On and on. While they do nothing. BUT they will tell me cabin needs to be sold ( we are fine financially right now but yes, eventually it does)

I have received communication from brother and his wife swearing at me, calling me every name in the book-all very childish  I have documented everything in case i need it  

I know, doing it for mom. Doing the right thing. Etc. 

Does anyone know g/c rules. I would like to get him off this since he does zip. I also want to keep his wife out of this. She has screwed up the court website 3 times now. She is not to be in there at all!!  Court liaison is aware and had talked to her but she ignored it. 

All sounds petty I know.  I just am so tired of this added stress. 

dayn2nite2

First of all, since you're doing all the work, does the paperwork allow for you to be paid for this work?  If so, are you taking payment?  If you aren't, take the payment.

Second, you can block the calls/texts and let them do something about that (like what?).  Since you're doing all the work, ignore everything they're saying, don't answer the questions.  See what they do.  They can monitor the web site and make comments and you'll never see or hear them if you block them.

The only way you can remove him is through the court again.

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Kdsfit

I can be paid and i keep track of my hours. I have since the start since the bonding company told me to do that. I have a notebook that i enter what exactly i did, start time/stop time. I requested court to be paid after she dies so i am not taking money away from her for her care. If she needs the money, it’s there for her. If there is anything left after she dies, I’ll get paid. 

I have blocked his and her phone calls-I can only get email from him (which she does). I know this because she isn’t very smart and it shows his email but her name attached . I worked in IT. 

WE each have our own login to court. So she uses his Userid and password. He states he doesn’t know how to login (he is 55 years old-he knows how to). So that does nothing. The court liaison is very annoyed and it has been documented by them  what she has done.  But it doesn’t change anything. 

I have sent her facility, nurses, drs saying she is not to be contacted. They know. But then she tries again. So i need to be on my toes on it to make sure i know what is going on for her care. So far they tell me when she dress this so i can reiterate things. But when she sends emails as my brother-they do not know if it’s really him or not. 

I do watch the accounts. I have to document every dollar for the courts. Enter every statement she gets in the court website monthly, line by line  Scan documents, cashed checks, bills, receipts and upload to court. Plus I’m audited yearly which is more paperwork. I’m getting the hang of it but that’s one thing I’ll tell anyone. Get POA. My mom was too far gone and refused. Said she was fine. 

Thank you for listening. I’ve honestly found no help out there for this stuff. And maybe there is no help. But i learned all this piece by piece…..  my goal is to make her money last for her care. She doesn’t have allot but i have the budget and know what to transfer  monthly to cover her costs. All so sad. 

dayn2nite2

Take your money in a lump sum now.  Then pay yourself every quarter for your administrative work.  Don’t wait for her to die.  There will be nothing left for you then.

Unknown By Man

I respect your stance of not taking money until after her passing, if I was in your situation that is how I would also handle it. Taking money that is meant for a loved ones care as payment while they are alive just does not sit well with me. Though I am an idealistic “kid” that does not have much real life experience. To me it just seems wrong especially if I am capable of earning money elsewhere or in other ways.

Love&Light

Kdsfit, I really understand what you're going through. I am co-guardian for my Father with his odious spouse, and honestly had I known what I know now, I would have fought for sole guardianship. 

I have found that I do 98% of the work (healthcare, bills, accounting, logistics, personal care orders, on and on) and I too feel very strongly about not paying myself for it as it takes away from his dwindling funds. But more importantly, if I pursued that, it would give his spouse justification for charging my Father for her supposed 'guardianship work' which would be such a further insult to what she has already done to his funds.

One thing I do is document everything. Each time there is a medication change, ER visit, behavioral incident, it goes into a detailed email informing the co-guardian. I have a feeling I'll need it at some point if I need to have this person removed. 

Your sister in law's involvement is particularly troubling and may be grounds for having him removed as a co-guardian. The two of you are THE ONLY people who should be making decisions in healthcare and legal matters. Period. It's bad enough having a lazy, obstructionist co guardian. But your situation actually sounds dangerous for your loved one and I would talk to legal counsel about what legal recourse you have.

You are right, this is so very stressful. And all you want to do is take care of your loved one without all of this BS. I can't stand that my attention is often diverted away from my Father having to deal with this horrible individual. How do I keep going? I  wake up every day and think about how I'm going to show up doing what's best for him, honoring him. And then most of the decisions are fairly straight forward. 

I also know I won't be doing this forever. This is a terminal disease, and I do the very best I can within the constraints I have. Remember to take care of yourself and practice gratitude for the good things and people in your life. Also therapy really helps.

You are a good (daughter/son). Your mom would be so proud and appreciative of all that you are doing for her. 

erinnga1120

First, I just want to say, This is awesome! Finding forums of people that are going through things I am experiencing myself. First I want to say, my mother is 73 yrs old and just recently moved in with me. I am currently in the diagnostic stage of dementia. She most likely is in early stage as she cannot make clear and concise decisions for herself. My mom is fairly recently divorced and was online dating when I realized she was in a romance scam totaling up to $15,000 in withdrawals/transfers to some foreigner she believed she is to be married to. Long story short I’m seeking some guidance on how to navigate things when I have my sister possibly seeking my mother to go in some memory care  as if I’m not managing her affairs correctly when she wasn’t doing anything to help her when she was living with her. I filed for emergency guardianship/conservatorship and now it just expired, I thought I could make things work with my sister but obviously we couldn’t. My mother has liquidated all of her assets since she has been living with her and she is now in the worse financial standings. I don’t understand why she has any debt. In any event, I have an active case with Dept of Aging possibly seeking legal action against my sister for financial exploitation when she gave my sister her pension to manage for her from sending to her boyfriend. I’m asking if anyone dealt with siblings battling over matters like this? I am disgusted by her actions as I wish I could of seen these signs sooner but due to the nature of my sister and I not being on speaking terms, I was not seeing much of her. I am filing for permanent guardianship/conservatorship but I am afraid my sister will try to petition me. When she goes over to visit her, my mom is beginning to question me on how I am funding certain things I have done for her( horseback riding, ballet shows) in which these activities I have funded myself. I am keeping track of the things I have paid for so far. This is probably the hardest thing I have dealt with in my life and I am grateful for my Aunts as they have been advising me on how to manage this emotionally. I feel so lost on if I shall let my mother visit my sister now as when she comes back from visiting, my mother is questioning me on things as if I’m stealing from her. I would never want to hold my mom from seeing her daughter but I am concerned she might try to feed lies in her head as if my integrity isn’t sound.

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King Boo

I've never been guardian but Executor twice over and DPOA twice over.  With annoying Monday morning quarterbacking going on in the background from other family members.

It's a giant responsibility and a lot of work.

I might suggest that you take your payment now as the work is ongoing.  You can put this in a separate account in your name.  It is work well done on behalf of your parent.  If a professional guardian were hired they would get paid.  You do it best.

You can keep the money aside for use for your mother, it's the same difference - exception being, if the day comes that she spends down for Medicaid, you have a 'slush fund' for those items she might need that Medicaid does not provide for.   This is a useful strategy and still honors your intent for your mother.  

Remember too, that after she passes there is still the Estate to administer, a whole different sort of PIA.  It may easier to be paid a Guardian than the executor's commission due to family dynamics, although your elder law attorney can advise on this one. (www.nelf.org).  An Elder Law Attorney can also be of assistance to ongoing family issues, even though there is guardianship.  

The old SIL should be communicating with your brother and not you.  I am glad you recognize she is crossing a whole lot of boundaries.  I'd be blunt that you need to hear from your brother and not her.  It's probably a reflection of how their relationship works (or doesn't work, as may be the case).  It sounds like control issues.

Some people can be taken care of by a quarterly e mail.  It satisfies their need for knowledge and can quell the ongoing meddling (not always, but it can work in regular but annoying family dynamics.