I need advice from my friends

Joydean

My husband has always been close to his sister. We just talked to her Thursday on the phone. He has a hard time trying to take even for a few minutes. My problem, early this morning I got a call from our niece, his sister had a massive heart attack and currently she is on life support. The hospital is doing a last brain scan before they take her off of it. Do I tell him? There is so much that I have to keep from him. Like all three of our kids and their spouses, and grandkids had Covid, but I couldn’t tell him. And yes they all had the shots and booster. I just need your advice please! Thank you in advance!

jfkoc

You are faced with a difficult decision. I think it best to decide based on his predicted reaction but there is the rub. There is certainly no need to rush the information.

Ed1937

Joy, this is a hard thing to give advice on. I think you'll have to do what you think is right. While my brother was in late stage alz. our sister passed. I called his wife, and told her what happened. She said she would tell him because it was important. But he never mentioned her death to me, and I didn't bring it up. He likely forgot soon after being told. I think it's too personal for others to tell you what to do. I'm sorry.

Paris20

When our niece died I told my husband. He was upset, of course, but he soon forgot. Over the past 18 months he has asked me how she is doing. At first I reminded him that she had died. Each time I told him he was as upset as the first time because, for him, it WAS the first time in his memory. Then I decided not to say anything. The last time he asked, I changed the subject. That worked out well. So, my answer to the original question is that you may tell your husband what happened but you may have to tell him again…and again.

arizonadianne

I’m so sorry. What do you think will bring him the most comfort? There is no right or wrong in this situation and you know him best. Maybe sit together with pictures of his sister and talk about the happy times, see what happens.

Stuck in the middle

I had to tell my mother when my brother died, because she was alert enough to notice his absence despite her VD.  I didn't tell her when her sister died a few years later.  Why make her cry?

Tfreedz

Joydean, so sorry about your SIL. I personally cannot tell you what to do because you know your LO best. I would not tell my mom because she is extremely sensitive and has a hard time dealing with any bad news. It feels wrong to withhold but your LO is different now. Things to consider...would you take him to her memorial or wake, what would you say if he asks about her?  This is a tough thing, maybe you could start with a very minimal amount of info, your sister is ill, and see how he reacts?

Lorita

Joydean, I'm so sorry about your husband's sister.  My sister had alz. and in her late stages her daughter passed away.  Sarah and I immediately decided not to tell her.  We felt it would only upset her and, of course, there was nothing she could do so we felt that was best.  It is a very personal decision and I wish you luck in making your decision - would it upset him or would he remember - those are two things to consider.  Please let us know what you decide.

ButterflyWings

Joydean - I am so sorry for this news and the loss of a loved one, plus added stress of what to do. We did not discuss the death of his sibling with my DH. He already had a lot of confusion about events and people, and significant memory loss. He was not very oriented to time or place -- and was struggling with frequent delusions by then so it was not a hard decision for me to decide against informing him about something he couldn't do anything about. 

I am sure he would not have processed it rationally, and possibly could have caused him great sadness or even guilt, if the news did in fact connect. So, more potential harm than good in our case. It would have been more for family members' wishes and feelings about tradition (or habit) rather than helping my DH comprehend, process the loss, and grieve in a healthy way. 

As others have said, it is such a personal decision with different pros and cons for each unique PWD and family situation. My DH did not see that sibling often so it wasn't going to create an obvious absence. However it is likely he would have been devastated in the moment of discussing the loss, yet would have to be told repeatedly (and hurt over and over as a result). I felt that would actually be cruel and did not want to put my DH through that. He has rarely brought the sib up, but when he does, we talk about him as if he is still living.   

Someone suggested you don't have to decide immediately, right? You could hold off maybe, until you feel more clear and then if you decide to tell him later, no harm done.

sandwichone123

I might tell him, if he asked, that she was "pretty sick" and won't be around for a while.

Buggsroo

My husband grew up in a baptist family with three older sisters. I believe he was a Menopause baby, so his sisters were somewhat older than him. All three have passed and from time to time he will say that his sisters are all dead. He is sad for a moment but then moves on very quickly.

In your case, I think I wouldn’t bring it up until he brings it up. Maybe it could be an omission because it will cause needless suffering on his part and hard for you. The Pwd has the ability to forget quickly but they might experience grief over and over. 

Arrowhead

I took my wife to her parent's grave. She saw her father's head stone and acknowledged that he was buried there. She then insisted that he is still alive. When she talks about her parents being alive, I just go along with her. It saves a lot of misery for both of us.

CStrope

This actually came up for us last week.  My husband has 2 sisters, 8 and 10 years older, that he has had very little contact with since his parents died more 23 years ago.  They never were a close family and there were some odd dynamics going on.  Anyhow, October 2021 I wrote to the sister that is 8 years older, since her email address was the only way I had of contacting either.  I told her I just wanted her to know about the diagnosis, if for no other reasons than for medical history purposes.  She never responded.  A week ago, I decided to resend the same email, except this time I put the tracker on it so I could see if/when she opened it.  A short time later she emailed back, saying she was sorry we were going through this, and that she doesn't believe there was any family history.  And then she went on to say that she thought she'd let us know that the other sister passed away on 12/1 !!!!!  

A couple of months ago, when it was the eldest sister's birthday, I mentioned to DH that it was her birthday.  His response was "Who?"

I have decided to Not tell him about her passing.  Like Butterfly Wings, they had not been in communication with each other for a very long time, and it would only cause him to be sad and confused.  I think it affected me more than it would have him.  The sadness I felt over their dysfunction and lack of caring for each other is so opposite of my own family that I struggle to deal with it when it hits me in the face.  

Also....3 years ago when my daughter bought a house in the city where she lives, I googled the oldest sister, and according to the internet she lived approx. 1 mile from my daughter!!!  This was all pre-diagnosis.  I asked him numerous times if he wanted to go visit, and he always said no.

Joydean

Thank you all for sharing and responding. After talking to our kids and my niece I have decided not to tell my DH. My SIL passed away Sunday. My niece said because of the backload at the funeral home it will be 2 weeks before they can even get to her! My DH has no concept of time or days. Telling him would only hurt him and he would want to go see her, and waiting would confuse him even more and then his anger would take over. Dealing with confusion is one thing but anger is something else. I don’t want either. That’s why I’m not telling him. It’s very hard for me because she and I were very very close. I have to wait until he’s asleep to cry for her. Thank you all again.

arizonadianne

Oh, Joydean I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful that you & your SIL were close. So many losses. I’m so sorry.