Any experience around “why are you here?”

monkeyapple

I have a Mom who I am full-time caregiver for over the last six years or so. She is now 66 and I am 38. Her condition has advanced and while I do maintain control of the situation most of the time, there are a couple situations I run into that just stump me.

To be brief, months ago she believed I was an intruder living in the basement. That was solved when she relocated me to my childhood room ever since. She is ok with me here most of the time, but certainly has no idea I am her son. 

However, whenever she is not actively engaged (ie: baby/pet tik tok videos, going for drives, pictures, etc.) the agitation begins and the questions start. I will save the “any ideas of what to do when the person you care for can’t do their normal routine?” for another time, but she is very  angry in all regards during these times. She will eventually sit down and say “who are you?” “Why are you here?” “What are you doing here?” to which I have many responses as I know nothing works every time. It honestly doesn't help that I am male and she is female as it for sure triggers a level of fear. I don’t think this is addressed enough in materials I have read as while I absolutely am not discounting a daughter caring for dad, the “threat” adds another element that literally plays into every single aspect of care. People just don’t talk about this for some odd reason??

Was just seeing if anyone had a similar situation and maybe some new things I hadn’t thought of.

What keeps me going is the love she shows me in the calm. It’s totally random but she’ll say she loves me or tap me on the shoulder in a nice way. She lets me lie in bed with her at night and watch old videos for hours — she wouldn’t do this with a stranger.

 I have a helper (caregiver) who is also beginning to come and she is questioning why they are now here, again creating agitation. Why is she here? What is she doing? Who is she? And so on.

I will say I have learned a lot going through this with my mom and have a lot of strategies that have worked for me if anyone is interested or stuck with a tough problem or needs ideas ! 

Iris L.

Welcome.  Your mom may recall you from your childhood days.  She has no awareness of a grown "you".  You may have to tell her that "you" (younger son) asked "you" (adult son) to stay with her because he is busy at school with a very important project that only he can do.  Also, limit or avoid news and TV crime shows because they tend to promote fearfulness.  The members will have more ideas.  They are knowledgeable and willing to share!

Iris L.

M1

Hi, is she on any medication for anxiety or delusions? Probably will take medication to improve this and/or dosage adjustment may be in order.

harshedbuzz

monkeyapple-

The fearfulness of women around male family members they don't recognize is discussed a lot on the spouse/partner board. It quite common for women with dementia to not recognize their husband-caregivers which can be difficult when the wife suddenly forces them out of their own bed or refuses to cooperate with hygiene assistance. 

One strategy that sometimes works is to leave the room for a moment and return announcing who you are. 

That said, dad was one who became fearful and felt vulnerable with the progression of the disease. It helped to restrict his TV viewing to the most benign programming possible. Even with medication, mom's crime dramas triggered all manner of upset for him. Even the news and weather became a problem.

monkeyapple

Thank you for this tip about the other forum - I did not even realize that.

Your other tips are helpful too! The content of tv I never would have thought of

monkeyapple

Thank you I am going to try this! You are spot on with her logic