My caregiver as told by his wife

Comrade

Good Morning,

My caregiver is my husband and has been by my side for almost 3 years. During this adventure, his mother passed away and was also her caregiver. That was 6 months ago and I don't think he has had time to grieve.

My husband cooks complicated meals, because he enjoys cooking. I don't taste them and in fact, I am intimidated by their ingredients. My taste buds are all dying and find many foods unpalatable. I understand how frustrated he is becoming, but I can't force myself to eat, when I don't taste or understand the textures. 

He makes sure my sheets, clothes and towels are clean, even though I carry the sheets around the house, leave towels on the floor and refuse to change my clothes daily. I worry that he doesn't understand my needs are his affection and his touch. All the other things are second and third on the chart.

It upsets me when he gets frustrated and uses stronger words to "help get his message across". The tone of his voice makes me cry, which he takes personally and then tries harder. I wish I could let him know that my intransigence is not rebellion. It is the obtuse place where my mind lives.

He sees how my friends treat me when they visit, but he can't find the strength to keep cool and stay collected. I know I am driving him crazy and also know he won't give up.

I wish he understood that my behaviors are me not being my best or even 2nd best. They are a collective where misplaced thoughts, emotions and more reside.

This morning, he went to the gym to "work it out". I hope again, that he also strengthens his patience and understanding. I know he is frustrated, but I have no way to tell him that his life is not over.

My husband is an artist, a social being and a gentle man. I don't want to take these things from him. I just don't know how. 

ButterflyWings

Good morning C,

That’s some food for thought, beautifully put but heartbreaking. I wasn’t sure by your title, who wrote it? 

Comrade

I wrote it.

DrinaJGB

Of course you did.

  And it is perfect considering the situation we as caregivers find ourselves in for lo, these many years.

ButterflyWings

Really poignant. Thank you for sharing this. Yes, her husband is an artist! You have been through a lot already. My condolences on your mom’s passing. And we spouse caregivers especially, know this disease takes no prisoners. 

I hope your writing provides you with some periodic relief and a measure of healing amidst the constant anticipatory grieving we are trying to navigate as our LOs go through the devastating dementia losses of their own.

Thank you for sharing these touching thoughts.

Jeff86

Great device for some introspection on caregiving challenges.  You get an ‘A’ for self-awareness!  

Hang tough.  This caregiving gig is a marathon, and some miles are harder than others.  We are running it with you, and cheering you on.  

Mint

I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother.  Thank you for sharing.

Ed1937

Comrade, that is over the top well written. You really "get it". "I worry that he doesn't understand my needs are his affection and his touch. All the other things are second and third on the chart." I think that is the most important thing you wrote. It really comes from the other side of the aisle.

Newbernian

Thank you, Comrade.  Your talent is our gift.  I'm sorry about your Mother.

Your words brought Robert Frost's words to my mind...

           "But I have promises to keep,

            And miles to go before I sleep,

            And miles to go before I sleep."

This expresses the weariness I hear in your words and the weariness we all feel.

mrl

Comrade,

I can so relate to this pain, especially the "carrying the sheets around the house", but my DH is gone now and all I do is cry. Please hang in there-your love is showing through so much,

Michele

Buggsroo

Comrade,

You certainly are an artist. 

I am so sorry about your mother. That is a hard loss.

You really do understand the stuff those with dementia experience. I am not there yet but I am trying. I showered my husband and shaved him today. He loved it. I have to admit so did I. Touch is important, even if in our circumstances it is like a parental thing rather than a couple thing.