My Dad is Gone(2)

RosesareRed

My dear, sweet, wonderful Dad has passed on from this life.  I am sad, but also thankful for the time I had with him.  Even some of these last few years, believe it or not.  

I have posted on here a few times.  At first, I was looking for help, any kind of help that would lead me down the path we are all on.  Later, I responded to others looking for the same help.  The responses I received were so wonderful and let me know that I wasn't alone.  This journey we are all on is filled with so many variables and problems.  Nobody's story is exactly the same, although we can all relate.  

I have so many thoughts running through my head.  I want to thank everyone who gave me good advice or just read my posts.  I read so many stories of uncertainty and fear, financial ruin and determination, love and loss.  This forum has helped me in so many ways.    

My dad's Alzheimer's path was only three years.  At least that's what he led us to believe.  My mother's health had been our main focus for about 8 years.  He was her main caregiver and hardly ever asked for assistance.  He was so strong and was her protector.  I trusted that he was the same man who always was our hero.  He took care of everyone.  I never realized he was suffering too, until Mom had to go into skilled nursing care.  She almost died, twice.   While we waited to see if she would live, I noticed that he wasn't himself.  He seemed almost fragile.  I assumed it was because he was losing the love of his life.  During this time, I became Power of Attorney for both of them.  I began taking care of the bills, banking, and medical issues.  Only then did I see what had been going on.  His checkbook had so many errors, which was unheard of.  His spelling was atrocious.  He was always a perfectionist, this wasn't my Dad.  His doctor called me and told me that he was pulling Dad's driver's license.  How could I have missed all of this?  After more investigating and a frank talk with his doctor, I determined that he had been slowly progressing for about 5 years before my mom went into the nursing home.    He told nobody his own medical problems, not even my mom.

I kept him at his home for a year.  I went daily, usually two or three times.  Usually to cook his meals and give him his meds.  Sometimes just to change the TV channel for him.  We would go up to see Mom at the home.  He hated that place.   It is a beautiful, loving facility.  But he hated it. He hated everybody, including me.   He wanted my Mom to be home with him, even if he couldn't find it on his own if he tried.  He didn't believe that anything was wrong with him, or that my Mom needed skilled care.  He became an angry shell of the man I loved.   After a year, he had to go to the ER with a terrible blood clot in his leg.  That hospital stay was a gateway.  He spiraled into dementia.  He went to the same skilled nursing facility as my Mom for rehab.  That was two years ago.  He would never return home.  Before his leg recovered enough for me to bring him home, COVID hit, and he was locked in with my Mom.  Away from us for 13 months, only visiting on Facetime.  We decided to leave him with her until the lockdown was over, not knowing it would be so long.  By time we were allowed in, he didn't know us anymore.  

A month ago, my now docile, sweet Dad was enjoying a Christmas party with my Mom.  He didn't know anybody and couldn't walk alone, talk, or eat much.  But he was having a great time enjoying the music and games.  We had no idea he would pass away before the new year.  He didn't end up in a fetal position in bed, and we didn't have to watch him wither as I had feared. He would still walk if allowed, and sometimes even try when he wasn't allowed.  We still had moments where I thought we truly connected.  We were shocked when they called and said he was failing.  But we were all with him in the end.  I held his hand and stroked his head, telling him that I loved him and thanking him for the blessing that he was.   

So my journey hasn't been as long as many of you.  But it is over.  My hope for all of you is peace.  I know that is hard to come by with this horrible disease.  My advice is to do whatever you can for your loved one, but realize that you can't make it perfect for them.  I wanted to achieve perfection for them, to make it so that they didn't realize that they were sick.  It was impossible.  I failed and made myself sick as well.  All we can possibly do is our best.  And that doesn't happen every day.  Give yourself a break.  See a therapist (probably the best advice I can actually give).  If your siblings aren't helping (mine didn't), you can't change it.  Develop the best strategy that works for you and forget them.  THEY WILL NOT CHANGE!  I wasted too much time waiting for my sibs to give a darn*, and they never did.  They wouldn't even help at the funeral.  But they said I did a good job (Thanks but it's a little too late now)  

Also, please don't sacrifice your own family to save your loved one.  I missed so much time, vacations, and special events the year I kept Dad at home.  He was miserable, he made me miserable, and I missed out on memories I will never get back.  The man I was taking care of was not my Dad.  My Dad left me already.  This was a soul sucking demon possessing my sweet Dad's body.  It was more than I could handle.  My real Dad would have grounded me for eternity for trying to reason with or physically handle this imposter.  

So I wish peace for all of you.  My journey with my Dad is over.  My Mom is still alive, and she is thriving in the nursing home. She will remain there for the rest of her days.  Her mind is sharp, and we share memories daily.  She misses my Dad terribly, as do I. Her time will come too, probably sooner rather than later.  But I will enjoy my time with her until she has gone to be with Dad.    

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m sorry for the loss of your dear father.  I’m glad you can still enjoy your mom. 

Thank you for your generous post of experience and wisdom.  It means a lot to me. 

Please take good care. 

toolbeltexpert

Sorry for your loss.

Tfreedz

So sorry for the loss of your Dad, the recent loss and the loss that happened when this awful disease hit him. It sounds like you have many wonderful memories of what a strong, capable man he once was.

I want to thank you for your detailed post. Some of your experiences may help others going through the same thing. In particular, my mom has begged to leave our home(she’s been here 5 mo after dementia diagnosis) to go back to her own home which is 30 miles away. I have been so torn about doing what you did for a year with your dad but hesitant because of the time away from my family it will take. Your post and your regret about that period of time has helped open my eyes on that situation so thank you again!

I hope your time with your mother continues to go well and you two are able to remember the good times with your Dad.

ButterflyWings

RosesAreRed- I am sorry for your loss but so glad you are at peace with his release from the grips of dementia. This is all so hard isn’t it? Thank you for sharing this update and your wisdom. It sure sounds like you made the best of your choices on this journey. Your parents are fortunate to have a daughter like you. 

For your dear dad, finally, freedom. Wishing you and your mom well. Take care of yourself.

SusanB-dil

So sorry for your loss.  Wow - you had quite a journey...!  thank you for your post.

RosesareRed

Thank you all for your replies.  I am reflecting on these last three years.  It was the hardest time of my life.  So a few final thoughts:

Please allow yourselves to take care of you.  I didn't until about 6 months ago.  I hit the wall like a freight train.  I think therapy helped ready me for Dad's passing.  It also helped me deal with my feelings about my siblings.  I can leave them behind now and not feel guilty.  They abandoned me, yet I felt obligated to them?  What was I thinking?

PLEASE give your time to your spouse and children.  They need you and love you most.  

And most of all, if you can't take care of them at home, do not feel guilty about seeking help in a facility.  I never planned on placing my parents.  But I had no help, and I couldn't physically handle them myself.   Luckily, I found a wonderful place for them.  It cost every dime they had, but their old house provided them with the money for a new safe, loving home.   I have no inheritance except memories, but I know I did what was best for them.  That's priceless!

I pray for God's blessings and peace for you all.

JoseyWales

I am so sorry for your loss.

harshedbuzz

I am sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace as you go forward.

HB

EJ97

I am so sorry for the loss of your father, Rosesarered. I have read your post a few times and really appreciate what you said about taking care of yourself, and that you can't make it perfect for them. We have to remind ourselves that everyday! You did so much for your dad and continue for your mom. It's a crappy hand of cards we are dealt and we try to make the best of it.  I have had a lot of stress and anxiety thinking I am not doing enough, and have to remind myself that I have done a lot. And, like you, no help from siblings. Yes, all of us on here need to give ourselves a break! Be good to yourself.

Emily 123

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for this heartfelt post.

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Mint

I’m so sorry for your loss.

scarfire

i'm sorry about the loss of your father but you obviously did all you could to make his final days as comfortable as possible and that is really all that matters in the end. peace and love!

abc123

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet dad.