My second time around

Emmettlee

Yes this is my second time around this block. I've been away for a while but now I'm back, the same broken heart and empty life as before.

I first placed my love in MC in December of 2020,she was there before for 33 days and I missed her more than words con describe. One day on a face time call she looked at me and said;"I don't understand why I can talk to you here but not there, then she said, I don't want to be here." My broken heart could not stand the pain and despair in her voice and face. I got up the next morning and left at 4am to drive the 125 miles to where she was and brought her home. A mistake? NO! We got another 7 months together and they were grand, full of joy and happiness. Then this horrid  disease began to emerge again and take over her mind once more. Almost to the day one year later I placed her in MC again. this time I know she will never come home again. Once again I am heart broken and will remain so for the rest of my days. Oh god, how I miss her!

During the time she was home we (I) decided to move closer to family and bought a mobile home in Idaho. It confused her but I truly thought we could do it but it was not to be. Now because of financial commitments and the cost of MC I must move forward with the move leaving her seven hundred miles behind but near her son. Do I feel like a heel? Do I feel I have failed her? Do I feel guilty, all of the above multiplied a thousand times. I don't know how we will survive this, she in time will forget, I never will.Please don't judge me harshly, I doing enough on my own

 We all have a story to tell but the content is always the same, broken hearts and empty lives.

Tfreedz

Nobody will judge you, this is a safe space. As you said you are already punishing yourself enough, STOP! You have done the very best for your LO, to the point of changing your mind about her care to spend extra time with her. This is hard!!! You don’t need to make it harder for yourself by feeling guilty. As people on here have said you didn’t do this to her you are doing it FOR her. She will be safe and cared for and hopefully her son will visit with her.

When you have time perhaps you can get a stack of cute animal (or whatever appeals to her) postcards, address them to her and pre stamp them, then send them to her in regular intervals. She may forget you but you will know that you made her smile in your absence. Maybe the staff would be willing to help her with FaceTime calls if you still want the contact. 

Most importantly, give yourself a break from the negative self talk. Do something you enjoy and try to live the way she would have wanted you to live before she was plagued with this awful disease. I know easier said than done, but you owe it to yourself to try.

Lorita

Emmettlee, I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I know how hard it must be.  One thing you must remember - you and she had those wonderful seven months together - that's something you will never forget and somewhere, deep in her mind, she will remember, too.  You took the chance to do it and for those seven months it worked.  Be thankful for that - many do not get that opportunity.

I didn't have to place my husband - I was one of the lucky ones - but he's been gone now for seven years and, as they say, I'd give anything for just five minutes with him again.  Being alone, without your loved one, is hard - whether they've gone to rest or in placement somewhere. 

 We're here when you need to talk about her or about how you're feeling.  Please do come back when you feel like it.