DW does not know who I am - how to handle?

BooBoo2

I’m 6+ years in this spiraling journey - my DW no longer knows me - she thinks I’m a good friend. I’m not sure how to respond to questions she asks. Where do you live, how do you know me, where do you work etc? I don’t know whether to continue to change the topic or tell her the truth - I’m your husband! I knew this was going to happen but… couple months ago I put up pictures of her & I but during the last week she has taken down all the pictures- saying she doesn’t need to see them. Tells me her ex left with one of his girlfriends. Yesterday she got my wallet & checkbook saying it’s hers now. How do I work to get them back? Constantly accusing me of taking money out of her purse so I can’t go into her purse- she has her purse with her everywhere she goes in the house - she sleeps with the purse & hides it at times then forgets where she put it - accusing me of stealing it. Extremely lonely journey.

Ed1937

Hi BooBoo. Welcome to the forum. Sorry you need to be here. I don't have a lot for you, but I'm sure you'll get other replies. You're right. This is a lonely journey.

It might possibly help if when you see her when she wakes from a nap or comes into a room where you are, say "There's my beautiful wife", or "Come over here and sit next to your wonderful husband". Or anything else along those lines. Keep reinforcing it to see if it makes a difference. It might help or it might not. Hopefully you'll get more ideas.

Crushed

FWIW for me that was 4 years ago. And honestly there is NOTHING you can do about her.

Concentrate on yourself and coping with the reality that your life partner is gone and not coming back.  

Don't build walls you can't climb  
 

Rick4407

My DW went through the same issues, her neurologist prescribed Seroquel which help considerably.  She started on a low dose 1/2 of a pill (12.5mg)  and slowly over the last 3 years has gone up to 50mg.  Call her neurologist.  Rick

Quilting brings calm

If you really can’t get a ahold of her purse while she is sleeping, call one of her friends over.  The friend can admire the purse. Pick it up and comment on how heavy it is ‘what do you have in it? ‘Let’s clean it out’.  ‘Whose wallet is this- look this man’s picture is on the DL’, and also hand you the checkbook. When my mom was in severe confusion and paranoia due to a UTI, she wouldn’t take her medication for me or my sister. A 30 minute battle twice a day.   A friend walked in and I handed the friend the pills.  The friend put them in Mom’s  hand and she immediately swallowed them with water.  She would also take the pills if the home health nurse handed them to her 

After you get the items back,  always place them in a locked drawer or box that you have the key to if they aren’t on your person. A fellow poster uses a box opened by fingerprint.  If you have to, lock them in your car.  I know that’s a theft issue, so order that box or drawer quickly. 

Beachfan

I’m with Crushed.  For awhile, I described myself as someone that DH didn’t know, but he knew that I was supposed to be around.   That’s in the past.  He is in a MC facility now; there is no reaction, interaction, recognition when I visit.  Thankfully, there was no time that DH accused me of theft, infidelity or the other dilemmas in which you find yourself.  I don’t know how I would handle that.  Hopefully, others will weigh in with guidance.

Jack Z.

BooBoo2 wrote:

I’m 6+ years in this spiraling journey - my DW no longer knows me - she thinks I’m a good friend. I’m not sure how to respond to questions she asks. Where do you live, how do you know me, where do you work etc? I don’t know whether to continue to change the topic or tell her the truth - I’m your husband! I knew this was going to happen but… couple months ago I put up pictures of her & I but during the last week she has taken down all the pictures- saying she doesn’t need to see them. Tells me her ex left with one of his girlfriends. Yesterday she got my wallet & checkbook saying it’s hers now. How do I work to get them back? Constantly accusing me of taking money out of her purse so I can’t go into her purse- she has her purse with her everywhere she goes in the house - she sleeps with the purse & hides it at times then forgets where she put it - accusing me of stealing it. Extremely lonely journey.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DW.  I'm in year 2 or so with my EOAD DW.  I never know what to expect from one day to the next.  Just yesterday she became somewhat belligerent with me a couple of time regarding some imagined wrong.  Hang in there!

JoseyWales

DH doesn't really know me, either. He used to ask me to marry him all the time. If I answered "We're already married" he'd get upset. So I just started saying, "Sure, we're planning a wedding for June."  

There's no bringing her back to knowing you, in my experience. I put up pictures, but he doesn't understand the pictures. In fact I had to take down the picture of our wedding that included his mom, because he'd only notice his mom in the picture and that brought on a whole lot of "Where's my mom, I want to see my mom" problems. 

My take on it is, if DH is fine not knowing our relationship or even who I am, but accepts me as someone who is there for him, then all is good. 

Crushed

One man's journey

  Dementia patients go down this road many different ways Some forget relationships  very quickly others hold on to the relationship while everything else falls apart.  DW was very much in the second group.  She knew who I was long after she lost all powers of speech or  almost anything else .  She would jump up and smile when I came in the room, brush her hand on me the way she always had and respond happily to an offer of "lots of kissing".   But there came a moment when  she did none of these things and they never came back.  It was late summer 2018, and I knew that the life we had shared was over.  

No matter how many people tell you to prepare for it, you can't.   Your brain screams

This can't happen to us,  I love her too much  

but it can and it does and it's over

I am aware that some folks  believe.... and other folks pretend...  that their loved one is in there somewhere.   IMHO they are hearing voices in their head created by their own wishes and desires. I don't see it but  I leave them to their "illusions". 

I shifted to an "end stage caretaker"  keeping the shell or body as comfortable as I can.  I held her close as the orthopedic surgeon manually set her broken arm,  She screamed at me in unknowing pain and I tried to comfort her.   I bake cakes and bring cookies and brownies. she has comfortable clothes.  She has a very nice regular caretaker.  I set aside clothes I would bury her in.  They are very sentimental for us.     

It's almost 50 years since I asked her to marry me.  

BooBoo2

Another question - is this the start of the late stages? She is sleeping during the day (short naps) but doesn't effect her sleeping thru the night & she doesn't talk much! she used to be so out going & talkative. I wish I could get those days back but I know!

Jeff86

Alas, that which is gone does not come back.  My DW mostly does not know who I am, what my name is, or what our relationship is.  While I grieve privately about this, I am glad my DW still sees me as someone who is a good and helpful presence.  I accept the conventional wisdom to go to her reality.  It would be futile to try to correct the record.  

Sleeping more and becoming less verbal are both possible indicators of disease progression.  The losses just mount up, with this terrible affliction.  

HSW

Buy another wallet and when she is in the shower take yours out and put the other one in.

Lynne D

My HWD introduces himself in a joking was about 20 times per day. He is not sure who I am, and needs a clue. I shake his hand and say “Lynne, loving wife of 26 years,” then he pulls me in for a kiss. I suspect he is really forgetting so I quizzed him a couple of times about who I am. He said our daughter’s name once. 

At least at this point he has a great deal of respect and affection for me. I’m happy to have that now.

Yorklady53

When I took DH to his gerontologist last week the dr asked him who brought him. Of course the dr knew it was me but DH just sat there and looked dumb founded. He couldn’t answer any questions at all. When we left I asked DH twice who I was and both times he said his first wife’s name. I asked him once more and he finally said my name. It saddened me that he doesn’t know me. How scary it must be to be living with someone that you don’t always know. I hate this disease for what it’s done to him and hate it doubly because I’m not living I’m existing. When there’s no joy life doesn’t seem to be worth the effort.