Waiting for surgery, stress level on overdrive

Kevcoy

My DH needs inguinal hernia surgery and after long waits for surgeon appointments the surgery date is now just weeks away not months.  You would think this would be a relief but has turned into major stress for him and me.  He has absolutely no clue about dates anymore.  Every day about 7 or 8 times a day he takes the calendar off the wall and asks if the surgery is tomorrow.  When I say it isn't he gets upset and wants to call the surgeon.  He says he is in pain and is going to die and I don't care.  I try diverting but this is one thing stuck in his mind that won't go away.  I'm tired of these daily conversations but compounding the issue is his demential mother who hates me and doesn't think I'm doing enough to help him.  She yelled at me the other day to give her the surgeon's phone number so she could call and get his appointment sooner.  I gave her the number knowing because of HIPA they weren't going to giver her any information.  Now it's the struggle between the two of us about who is going to take him to the hospital the day of the surgery.  In her mind the mother trumps the spouse on this.  I tried to explain that who ever takes him isn't allowed to even wait inside the hospital and will be called when he is ready to go home.  My fiblet for this is, I told everyone, including DH that the surgery is on Feb. 8 when in reality it is the 4th.  My thought is I'll wisk him out, have the surgery and take him home without anyone knowing.  I'll just tell her there was a cancelation and took him in.  Another stress is the hospital where he is to have the surgery is one of the 5 in the country where they are sending military to help out.  Every time the phone rings I think oh no they are going to cancel his surgery.  If that would happen I don't know what I'd do.  Stress level on overdrive.

Stuck in the middle

I can why your husband is anxious to get it over with.  He probably thinks about it every time it hurts, which I presume is pretty much all day.  Best wishes on the surgery and recovery.

Ed1937

It's easy enough to understand why the stress level is up. And you don't need the extra stress of fighting about who is to take him. I think your plan is good. He'll be done with it before she even knows it happened.

abc123

Dear Kevcoy, I really like your plan about keeping the surgery date to yourself! I see no point including MIL because of Covid issues. I remember a post you made in the past about how difficult she is. I don’t know how you deal with her. I’m sorry that DH is having a rough time. Is he on any medication that would help his anxiety? I wish you both the best.

M1

Good luck kevcoy, I hope it doesn’t get canceled. Good strategy on the fiblet, it’s really no one else’s business.  Push comes to shove, you could also tell his mother you have to take him because you have POA, and that’s not a fiblet.

Kevcoy

Thank you for the support.  Sometimes I feel so alone in this struggle.  The latest now is the  MIL thinks for some reason the hospitals in El Paso will drop everything and take my DH in immediately for his hernia surgery.  She said she was going to drive him there tomorrow since I don't seem to care about him at all.  We live in Albuquerque so it would be a 4 hour drive.  She is 85 and a horrible driver so I don't want him to be in the same car with her.

I am at work and just checked his air tag he has on his key ring and noticed they are at a hospital right now.  NM is a hot bed for Covid and hospitals are the worse.  Even though he is fully vaccinated, if he gets sick I will never forgive her.

Joydean

Kevcoy, this latest is horrible. She just comes and gets your husband and takes him to some hospital without telling you! I really thought your fiblet was perfect! It’s no wonder your stress level is on overload! Thinking of you and praying the hospital will not let her take your husband inside!