How do you stay calm

tryingtomanage

looking for ideas / tricks / tips / when your LO asks the same question a thousand times in a matter of 20 mins.  How do you not look your cool and stay calm?

toolbeltexpert

Sorry your going thru this. My DW asks me the same questions and I just Reply exactly the same way like she had never asked. Tough yep i this an answer nope. Maybe I will learn something new from someone else responding to your question. I know my DW is doing the best she can. I am thankful I can respond kindly.

Tfreedz

Hello and welcome! I once saw a Teepa Snow video on YouTube that suggested you breathe 5 deep breathes in and out before answering. I realized like she said on the video, when we start to get tense we breathe in but don’t blow it out. If I can find a link I will share it. 

It is very hard to stay calm when you are dealing with the repetitive questions. Sometimes I write down the answer when I see a pattern but that doesn’t always work. I know my mother’s brain isn’t working as it should and so I try to be kind to her as I know she would be to me if the roles were reversed.

I’ve seen it suggested here and on the videos that when our LO’s are in a pattern of repetition there may be an underlying cause. Maybe uncomfortable, stressed about something, picking up on our agitation, not feeling well,hungry,seeking attention  ....try to make sure all needs are being met or if it is a certain time of day that is worse and you might be able to minimize the questions.

Good luck, this is not easy!

Tfreedz

https://youtu.be/sUgPm8RMa48

toolbeltexpert

Tfreedz that is a great answer I have seen the teepa video several times. I find that I need to do the deep breathing or sometimes just walk away for a minute. Teepa snow has do many videos. I almost feel asleep  watching them the other night.

SusanB-dil

Teepa Snow videos - good deal!

Sometimes totally changing the subject works.

Stuck in the middle

Deep breathing is how I do it, along with lowering my expectations.  It is like driving in traffic.

In traffic, I assume every other car is driven by a drunk or a twit on the phone, and I am not surprised when they do something stupid.  I just relax and deal with whatever happens.  I was driving home a little after sundown last night and encountered a child about 9 years old on an electric bike, no lights.  I had forgotten that until just now, because it didn't surprise me all that much.

Once home, my wife again saw a TV ad for $300 hearing aids and again wanted to know why I wasn't buying her some to replace her perfectly good $3000 set.  Why I wasn't getting her Botox for the migraine her neurologist says she doesn't have.  Why she shouldn't get the Prevagen her doctor advised against.  We'll talk about it all again tonight, because she'll watch TV again.  I'm ready.

RanchersWife

I switched the bidet water from “heated” to “tap” with the remote. She stopped yelling at me and I felt better too.

Unknown By Man

The repetitive behavior is my trigger also, what works for me is not ideal but when my mother  started on her train I would just put my headphones on and jam out to drown out the noise.

Or I would take her outside and let her be while I go skateboard or something. I try to not feed into it cause I will get nasty and yell. 

mommyandme (m&m)

RanchersWife,

thanks for the smile!!! sincerely! 

M1

welcome tryingtomanage, I think dealing with repetitive  speech was the subject of my first post lo these eighteen months ago. I think all of us could write a list of the conversations we know we’re going to have every day: here that includes whether the dog/cats/chickens/ducks have been fed (pick your species), whether T has paid his rent this month, what is Covid and where did it come from, what killed her sister, how did we meet, how long have we been together. I could go on and on. I think I’m less frustrated than I used to be because I no longer expect any different, sadly. It’s an inevitable change/deterioration of the relationship when you no longer expect any reciprocity, and it’s an acknowledgment of the emotional distancing that’s part of coping. It’s easier to be kind and not get frustrated when you no longer expect anything different. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s just enured I think.

GothicGremlin

This was a big problem for me as well.

My sister can definitely get stuck in a loop. Depending on her mood, I might try to redirect her, but sometimes that just doesn't work, especially if we're talking about cats (and by "we", I mean "her"), and why can't she have five of them because she's always had cats.  Yes, yes, I know, but no, you can't have five cats.  Which would absolutely be the wrong answer.

Instead I retreat to humor and channel Monty Python (because I'm old). If you ever watched it, there was a skit about the phrase "no time to lose". The person had never heard the phrase, and the whole skit was about getting him to make the phrase his own. So he'd say "NO time to lose", "no TIME to lose," no time Toulouse, which would then move to the song and an animation.  Here's a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PC794azF1U8

When Peggy asks me a question, I may respond with, "OH, we're going to do that tomorrow" or "Oh, we're to do THAT tomorrow", and I'll just emphasize different words until I can get her out of the loop.  It's silly, but I'm giving her an answer and amusing myself at the same time. If I'm laughing at myself in my head, it makes it much more difficult for me to get angry or short with her.  It's very silly, but it's never failed me (yet).

SusanB-dil

GothicG - good going!

agree that sometimes distraction for PWD doesn't work.  I've tried to think of various answers just to break the monotony, but hadn't thought of amusing myself quite that way.

Rescue mom

M1, you verbalized very well something I’ve been feeling. Everybody says to let go of expectations, and it took a while, but I think I made progress. The upshot is, I have no expectation of a rational, normal conversation, so I don’t try.  It IS distancing. 

Every now and then I forget, and ask a question, or make a comment—and get nothing back that makes sense. All I can do is think, silly me. I guess it’s better than getting angry, but still.

Re the OP question about repetitive questions…I tried distraction, answering different ways, making jokes that of course just added confusion (admittedly not the Monty Python method), etc. I eventually just got good at giving a quick short answer and moving on, putting it right out of my head. 

Lindsay22

Can your LO still read? One thing that helped me earlier on was a small dry erase board with a fake "to do" list on it that addressed the most frequently repeated questions.  For example there would be "feed the cat" with a check mark so when she asked about it I just had to point and say "yep, it's done". This worked really well for awhile, for some reason she believed the marker board much more than she believed me! 

That and you just get used to it.  As the others have said at first I was very frustrated and often lost my cool.  Now I just run through the same thing over, and over, and over and I don't expect any actual conversation because she just isn't capable of that anymore. 

M1

This thread has made me pay attention today, and as with Gothic Gremlin's great Monty Python strategy, it reminded me of another game one can play:  Conversation Bingo.  You can make a hypothetical scorecard of all the repetitive conversations, and then mark them off as they happen, and see if you get a Bingo.  So far today we've had the:  rent conversation, death of sister conversation, covid conversation, and how long have we been together.  See my point?  It's kind of like bingo or tic tac toe.  Still to come--we haven't had the feeding the pets conversation yet (that's usually in the evening, and more than once).

I can't claim this is original:  I actually read this as a strategy about how to deal with your annoying relatives at holdiay gatherings.  You make bingo cards of things you can predict--like the fact that Uncle Ralph is going to belch, Aunt Jennie is going to get in a political argument,  Grandpa is going to fall asleep in his chair.  Bingo!!  when they happen.  Best if you can play with another relative who is in on the secret game, but a way to amuse oneself even if you play alone.

Coping strategies....