Now can I adjust to not reaSoning?

MerriMom

I am beginning to understand that it will do me know good to try to talk some sense into my dad, because he has lost his ability to use common sense and has no reasoning skills. How can I remind myself of this fact?  When I, being faced with such a situation, how can I keep myself from reasoning and find a way to reassure him and move in instead?  

Marta

I’m going to assume that your read Understanding the dementia experience. Now it is time to, among other things, watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube about communication with a PWD.

Mostly, it takes time, as it is surely ingrained in us to tell the truth and correct misinformation. You will get the hang of deflections, diversions, distracting, and fiblets ( untruths we tell our loved ones out of kindness and in order to keep the peace).

(I had to edit above, as autocorrect wrote “giblets.”)

May flowers

It takes practice, but it becomes habit after a while. I talk to my FIL sort of like I would a toddler - redirect, upbeat/cheerful voice, smiling eyes (even if inside my head I am upset, lol) 

But if you forget, don’t beat yourself up. He won’t remember. It takes time.

Stuck in the middle

To adjust, I have found it necessary to adjust my expectations to be consistent with the abilities of my LOs.  I don't expect my boat to take me down the highway, I don't expect my car to take me to the middle of the lake, and I don't expect my LOs to do complex reasoning.  They don't have it in them.

This is hard, because you remember your LO when he was younger and able to reason.  Be patient with him and with yourself.  Good luck.

Unknown By Man

It is harder for some then for others, and maybe you may never be able to overturn that side of you. It may be how you are. I know for certain I will always struggle when it comes to telling fibs to my mom for many reasons. One my mom has me hardwired to not lie to her, I still get cold sweets trying to fib to her if she is wearing chanclas, among other things. 

In the end try to remember do not beat yourself up, you can read all the information in the world, watch every video under the sun but you will always be limited by what you are personally capable with. I do hope you find a solution through the resources pointed out. Though if you do not try not to beat yourself up. Everyone has a different caregiving style that works for them and it is just a matter of finding a system that works for you. 

Best of luck.

Emily 123

Good for you Merrimom!  it's really hard at first, isn't it?  Just be amenable  You'll find that the more relaxed you are the easier it becomes. Your dad will pick up on the emotional level of your conversations.  My mom will start to have more repetition if she's stressed-I think the heightened emotion makes it even harder for her to process information.  

Maybe do a little something to keep yourself sane.My mom is always so suprised that her AL is about 10 miles from me-for some reason she thinks my house is right next door to her place and wants to walk home when I have her here.  About every 1-2 minutes on the ride home she'll tell me how far it seems.  Now I intersperse facts about my town each time I answer her.  Educational!

These helped me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cQ25iA9U68

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWzLB71zPvM

Towards the end of the video the presenter talks about how to phrase conversations.  This is a little long but I found it useful.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww

sandwichone123

I've heard that taking a class in improv can be helpful, because improv techniques work well with PWD. I'm considering looking into an online class, partly because I think it would be fun and cool, and partly because I think communication is going to get harder for a while.

Also, rather than responding to the content of the statement you can try responding to the emotion behind it. So if your PWD says, "the cat is bothering me" when you don't have a cat, you might think about things that might be bothering your loved one, like the light from the window or whatever.

abc123

This awful disease causes brain damage. Each PWD is different. I try to remind myself that my mother now has brain damage and her brain doesn’t work properly anymore. This reminder helps me to be more patient with her and I realize she has extreme limitations. I hope you find something that helps you. Good luck.

harshedbuzz

As I have said, Understanding the Dementia Experience was all it took for me. Did you get a chance to read it? I posted a hotlink in the last thread.

My learning style is more of a reader. I read it, had an aha! moment and adjusted my approach to communicating. For whatever reason- maybe because my dad and I never really got along well I was able to remain a little pragmatic or maybe because I am the parent of child with special needs and have already learned that what feels comfortable for me is not always what is best for the person in my care. At any rate, I could wrangle dad and manipulate his moods much more effectively than my mom- who adored him could. 

Alas, mom was an experiential learner- she's the kind of person who has to touch the hot stove rather than accept the warning at face value. Understanding the Dementia Experience did eventually click for her as well, but the horror of losing the love of her life and the world they'd built together to dementia was not something she was going to accept easily. She mostly learned by making bad choices in the moment and the pair of them suffering the consequences of her need to try to reason, explain, gain agreement or otherwise treat him as the partner he could no longer be. It was a rough patch and totally unavoidable.

My parents drilled honesty into me as a child. Maybe to too great a degree. I learned to lie for sport as a teenager and have honed the skill since then. LOL, I had my now adult niece convinced that we couldn't eat at McDonald's because adults lack the enzymes needed to digest their hamburgers.

But I am kind and I am ethical. I will totally tell a cashier she gave me change for a $20 when I paid with a $10. The best advice here is to tell a PWD whatever is going to bring the most comfort. If that means therapeutic lies, fiblets or giblets (Thank you, @Marta) than that is what you do because kindness and comfort are more valuable than hard truths in a dementia situation.

Given that this is difficult for those of you who didn't grow up with unreasonable parents or who have never parented an "alphabet child" practice might help. The limited and repetitive nature of topics most PWD settle on make it fairly easy to prepare a narrative to go with almost any situation that comes up. If you are stuck for what to say in a given situation, often the members here will share what has worked for them under similar circumstances.
If it helps, practice your fiblets in the mirror so you have them loaded and can deliver them fluently. 

HB

Mom's Baby

For me, figuring out that telling some therapeutic fibs or just saying, "You're right, Mom. I'll check on that" avoided complete meltdowns was enough for me to buy in 100%. I quickly learned that telling her the truth and having her dissolve into tears or lash out in anger was NOT something I wanted to deal with. I'd lie all day long to avoid that. It was better for both of us. Honestly, trying to reason or tell the absolute truth to someone with dementia can be very cruel, depending on the person. If you stop thinking about it as "I need to be truthful" and switch to "I. need to help her feel better," it gets easier.

mommyandme (m&m)

Communicating is the worst!  I found that experiencing this mess and reading this forum has helped immensely.  Time time time. 

Stuck says it right: letting go of our expectations, we have to adjust to our LO not the other way around.  A toddler can learn but a dementia patient usually won’t.  We can expect a toddler to learn, not a dementia patient.  

I have become the most patient person I know from the wisdom I’ve gained from the posters here, at least with my mom.  My husband may say differently since my patience has been all used up by the time we’re together, poor guy.