Am I stepping back too far?

MerriMom

My brother-in-law moved in with us almost a year ago, after my mother-in-law passed away. We all moved into a 2-story house in May. 

Before Christmas, I went upstairs. My youngest daughter came upstairs but didn’t see me and went back downstairs. She went into my dad’s bedroom, the only one downstairs. I went downstairs, and my dad and my daughter were looking for me. My dad said that they didn’t know where I went. I Told him that I was upstairs. I had told my daughter where I was, but she didn’t hear me. 

 My dad has quit smoking. Right afterwards, he walked out the front door and walked away to go get cigarettes. We have a security system and were  able to see which way he went and go get him. 

After the new year, I asked my brother-in-law Mark to take shifts with me to stay downstairs to look out for my dad. He said that he would enjoy playing the Xbox on the big tv in the living room. Now he’s been staying downstairs all day, until I bring my girls home from school, for the past couple days. 

Today I came home from dropping off my girls at school and started cleaning the house. I cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom downstairs, the dining room and the entryway, and swept all the floors downstairs. I started doing laundry-the downstairs bathroom rugs and towels. 

Mark said that he can do the laundry and put it away, as long as it’s the rugs and towels and not our clothes. 

Mark went to the bathroom downstairs, and I came upstairs. I cleaned the upstairs bathroom and hallway and my bedroom and office. Then I took a shower and watched a show. 

I got all the housework done and had nothing else to do but sit down and watch tv. 

Most of the time, Mark sits in the living room or in his bedroom and plays video games. 

I go to the YMCA every or every other morning. I go run errands about once a week. I go to counseling every other Friday afternoon. I drop off and pick up my girls from school each weekday. 

If I’m gone, Mark will make my dad a lunch plate. 

He told me yesterday that my dad did come into the living room and sat with him for a few minutes and just went back to his room without saying anything. 

I saw a Teepa Snow video or maybe read in an article that my dad will want to follow  me around. He is attached to me because he is the most familiar with me. So after supper, we watch tv as a family. My dad sat with us for a few minutes and went back to his room again. I mentioned this to my husband, and he said that my dad has forgotten Mark’s name before and may not remember who he is at some point. And I told him that my dad will come sit in the living room whenever I’m in there, even in the evening, for a little bit.  

My question is this:  am I giving up too much too soon?  My dad will eventually just want me. So is it good for both of us for me to share the responsibility now, while I can?  Or am I risking taking on too many things at once, and by the time he needs only me, I will be too exhausted to do either of us any good. ?  

 Guess I’m feeling caregiver guilt for not doing everything myself.  

mommyandme (m&m)

I think you’re doing the right thing.  Having others know your dad’s habits and routine is invaluable.  Continuity between people is so helpful. Just like having caregivers come in, we want the same individuals so they that can get to know our LOs and bypass a lot of turn over. 

I thought at first you were saying your bro-in-law wasn’t being very helpful.  Not sure his age but hope he gets out some too.    Hope he’s trustworthy and safe around your daughters too. 

Stuck in the middle

You are SO doing the right thing by letting BIL help!  Many of our peers on the board are green with envy that you have this help.  I know I am.

This is better for your father as well.  By being accustomed to BIL as a caretaker, he will be less stressed when/if you aren't around for a day or so.  There is nothing to be gained by making him solely dependent on one caretaker.

That is why children are happier and more confident in 2-parent households, especially when grandparents are in their lives.  They have multiple caretakers and are more confident that their needs will be met even if Mom is in hospital or whatever.

BTW don't presume he will one day want only you as caretaker.  That may happen, but he may also come to regard both of you as benign presences in his life without being entirely sure how he is related to either of you.  Or something else.  When you know one PWD, you know one PWD.

harshedbuzz

Merrimom-

To the question you asked, it is not wrong to have other people caring for your dad. It takes a team to properly care for a PWD 24/7 for any length of time. Taking time to proactively do things to care for you is an example of putting your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. Taking time to parenting your children- your primary responsibility should not induce guilt either- in fact, that one works the other way around. 

Even if your dad does reach a point where he shadows you or prefers you to others, it is not always possible for him to have his way in this. Besides, he may not recall who you are by the later stages of the disease. 

The question you didn't ask. Is your BIL working from home or unable to work because of disability? I'm assuming he's younger as you are. And your dad is his brother's wife's father, no?

As a member of the household, he should pitch in with running the household but there can be a risk of asking a younger person who should be focused on their own launch to adulthood and career building to take on responsibility for a PWD because it is convenient for the rest of the family even if it is detrimental to the young adult. Sometimes a family dynamic can trap a person into caregiving; sometimes anxious young adults latch onto caregiving as an excuse to avoid putting themselves out there or working hard. It's about finding a balance. 

HB

MerriMom

He is 32 years old. He gets out with me to go exercise, to go shopping and run errands, to go to his own appointments, and to go out to eat sometimes. He is trustworthy and very patient with my girls. Thank you

Selbie

Just testing posting. This is all new to me. 

mommyandme (m&m)

Good to know… thanks