How to approach conservatorship/guardianship

Wilted

I spoke with an attorney today regarding my FDBF (of 12 years) and his increasing inability to handle his affairs. She suggested having a conference call with his kids (who live in another state) to discuss starting the process of conservatorship & guardianship. They would like me to continue to take care of their dad since he is is very happy here. She warned that things will likely get rough, especially since he doesn't believe there is a problem.

He's used to being in charge of his finances and belonings. Fortunately, he did sign a Durable Health POA & Mental Health POA so I could handle things in an emergency.

I've been handling his finances for the past few years (with his approval) but now he's at the stage where he's getting suspicious and is becoming reluctant to pay money he owes. He is even beginning to start resenting paying nominal rent and talks about moving out to his vacant land in the mountains (where he plans to build a house himself, as he had done years ago). Realistically, he can't live safely live on his own anymore. It's getting to the point wherr I can't even leave him home alone.

He had turned on his "baby sister" for some unknown reason. If he thinks we are even considering conservatorship & guardianship he may turn on us and never speak to any of us again.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this without a blowup?

Phoenix1966

Wilted, maybe someone else will chime in with a scenario/plan that will prevent a blowup. I only know the other side. 

My grandmother named me POA for legal and medical issues, but kept the paperwork in her own possession. I let her, fearing to rock the boat like I sense you are now fearful to do. She used(yes, harsh) friends to get errands done without any reciprocity. She’s been like that all her life: a user. But because of the undiagnosed dementia, paranoia now played into all her decision making. She’d have a friend take her to a jewelry repair shop to get a necklace fixed and then accuse said friend of switching the necklace on her(in collusion with the repair person), so she’d shove her friend out the door, screaming that she was a thief. One by one, she burned all the bridges she had including with me. She eventually accused me, a week after doing her bills for her(I made sure to have her sign the checks and I left a list of what had been paid to who), of stealing her ID and replacing it with a forgery. She swore at me and wished horrible things to happen to my partner(going blind, etc.)  

I’d been a remote caregiver for several years at this point, living 45 miles away. I was emotionally exhausted, so when this happened, I stepped back to take care of myself and my family. I reached out to APS, but despite her obvious dementia and level 5 hoarding(garbage, maggots, feces, infestations, stench), they left her in place(this is WA state). For about 5 months, she didn’t call. I tried to repeatedly get APS to step in, but they wouldn’t although they said I should consider going to court for guardianship. Eventually, she had alienated the remaining friends she had and had to reach out to me to get her blood pressure meds about 5 months later. I swallowed my hurt and played nice. I humored her, ran her errands and then the eventual catastrophic event happened. She had a fall in her home and I had to get Fire & Rescue to break in and get her out. That gave me the opportunity, while she was in the hospital, to dig through the floor to ceiling garbage and find the POAs and get them activated. There was no reasoning with her because she couldn’t any longer.

TL;DR: I found there was no way to sidestep the eventual blowup because of the unjustifiable paranoia. Just go with it, smile, fib, swallow your hurt and do what you have to to help them when fate gives you the opportunity to do so. 

Iris L.

Wilted wrote:

 She warned that things will likely get rough, especially since he doesn't believe there is a problem.

Please familiarize yourself about anosognosia.   He truly believes he is fine.  If you confront him with reality, he will resist and become upset.  This is what the lawyer is talking about.  You will have to learn work-arounds from the members.  Avoid using the words dementia or Alzheimer's or telling him that his brain is failing. 

 

Wanting to live in his cabin is a version of "I'm fine on my own."  This is due to anosognosia.

Iris

dayn2nite2

While I understand your wanting to continue to care for him, please beware that more likely than not, conflict will develop over money expenditures, care decisions, etc. and you have no real legal standing in his life at this time.

Please consider that while your relationship with the children is cooperative right now, we have all seen even legally married relationships broken and permanently damaged if the children do not agree with even the most trivial issue.

Please reconsider doing this.  I would be more appropriate for him to go nearer to the children, either living with them or placed near them, and they should be the people making decisions on his behalf and spending his money.

Wilted

That makes a lot of sense. I get the sense that he will turn on me eventually (he already gives me the cold shoulder for three days after eating dairy products).

If he shuts me out, it's most appropriate to have his kids care for him. 

Wilted

The more I think about his kids taking over, the more relieved I am.

 Things may not be exactly the way he wants them  but he will be in good hands. 

Wilted

I didn't realize an edit would have bumped the thread to the top. 

Sorry about that.