Need advice for the no, no no phase

QuincyLF

Any tips or advice for "no" responses to virtually everything?  My father is 72YO, between stage 5 and 6.  He used to be SO active and willing to do things (pre-Alz).  Lately, anything we say/ask - the response is a flat no.  Do you want to go outside, shower, play a game, want a cup of coffee, help mom shovel the snow "NO".  We even try not asking but telling..."let's go for a walk".  Nothing seems to work.

Any tips for turning that no to a yes?  Or - "sure I'll try"?

Oddly, if I offer up a car ride - YES.  

Suzzin

Offer a car ride, but then along the way just "happen" to go for a walk? For my mom, I just stopped asking. I would hand her a glass of water, or take her hand and say come on, it's time let's get going. But mostly I just let her decide. She has decreasing amounts of control over so many aspects of her life, if she doesn't want to go to Target then she gets to say no. Even if I know she will like being out, I let her have that small moment of making a decision for herself.

Emily 123

Hi,

At 5 or 6 some things may seem too challenging.  There are too many steps, or he doesn't know how to order them, or can't remember them.  He may not understand what you're offering, or may shrink from something he's not sure how to do anymore. Apathy is part of the disease as well.

My mom won't go into a store with me anymore unless it's a grocery store.  Why?  Because when we go I only take her in to get one or two things.  She can still navigate going in because most grocery stores have a similar layout and the aisles are marked.  Going into a regular store to look for clothes or shoes is a hard 'NO' for her because it's confusing to navigate & too many choices.  

Riding in a car requires no actions on his part.  

Understanding that performing tasks he used to do easily is now challenging for him, you may have to set him up with everything he needs.  Bring him a cup of coffee, rather than asking.  For a walk you'll need to have what he needs out and ready to go, but you'll need to do it in a way that doesn't seem condescending to him.  I sometimes tell my mom that a walk was her idea and that I'm ready to go..'here--I grabbed your coat''.  And you still may not be successful.  Was there a hobby he used to enjoy?  He probably can't do that now, but would he enjoy looking at videos about it on youtube?   You will be able to find something, but it's hard to see their world shrinking.  Nonetheless, that's our issue, not theirs, right?  (My mom used to be very active, but is now content to play solitaire all day on her ipad.)

If he's still resistant, just respect his wishes and do what he can still enjoy. 

I thought this was a good video about the moderate stages.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

harshedbuzz

So often people only think of dementia in terms of memory loss glossing over significant personality changes that impact LOs with the progression of the disease. 

Apathy is as much a part of dementia as the loss of short-term memory and executive function skills. Sometimes apathy can be exacerbated by depression as well. We tried medication in an attempt to activate dad- it was not successful. 

Some people have success getting their LOs to do something if they frame it as being for the benefit of others. Of course, typically impacts empathy so that tack might not work either.

HB

sandwichone123

Don't ask, just do. But also recognize that some things need doing and some things do not. I don't ask dh what he wants for dinner any more--it's too hard. I make something and he eats it. I do ask if he wants to go out, but whichever answer he gives is fine. We're eating at home more than we used to because restaurants are getting too hard for him. He's tired a lot of the time, and I see my role right now as just making sure each *today* is as good as it can be.

mommyandme (m&m)

Oh communication, I long for that.  It never comes.  “Would you like more of this food”… “yes I’d like more”….  Bring said food, then “Oh No”…..  ugh.  

I find the opposite word for everything is her go to, cat/dog, yes/no, girl/boy and on and on.  At least there are some words that go together and make sense, but not usually.  

As far as getting up and out, my mom has lost her confidence in walking and doing much of anything.  She doesn’t want to do it wrong. (No one is correcting her either).  Her eyes have a smaller peripheral too. 

We have to adjust to their wants not the other way around.  I dislike the sitting all day and feel I’m not doing enough for her, it’s a constant battle within myself.  And so I go…

QuincyLF

Thanks everyone!  That's why this forum is so tremendously helpful.  @harshedbuzz - once you mentioned apathy - I began researching.  Sure enough - the #1 reason for apathy?  Alz.  I had no idea.  I sent a few articles to my mother to help her understand this phase more.  Extremely helpful.  The journey continues....