Big move tomorrow...I need strength!!

Tfreedz

Hello all!

 I’ve read about every post I could the last 5 months and appreciate everyone who is dealing with this awful condition and the advice and support you give.

Back story - Mom was showing signs of cognitive impairment for the last 3 years, while living in her own home (30 mi away) and caring for my adult brother who has Down syndrome. She refused all suggestions and appointments made by her doctor to go to a memory care clinic. I saw a huge decline during the pandemic where she was forgetting everything short term and also long term. I made myself sick with worry and ended up with high blood pressure. I contacted my brother’s day program and told them of my concerns and to contact me if they had any inkling of something wrong with my brother. Both had loss significant weight and she was not showering or changing clothes for almost a year. The more I begged and pleaded for her to get help the more she distanced herself from me. Then I got the call from his program..he hadn’t been there in 2 days,she didn’t call and cancel him which was abnormal and the first day they called and asked her she said she had no idea why he wasn't there. Second day they couldn’t reach her. I went to her home and she could barely move ,was groaning in pain. Brother said she hadn’t fed him in 2 days. She refused still to go to Dr or hospital. I called her Dr who MHA’d her to hospital. She was severely dehydrated,septic, and had pneumonia. She was also formerly diagnosed with dementia. The hospital doc,SW, and her PCP all stated she needed 24hr care and that I needed to place her in a facility. She begged me not to and emotions were running very high. I was newly retired so I brought her home with me and my family and also my brother.

Needless to say, it has been a long 5 months! We have had some great quality time together, taking walks, laughing and reminiscing on her childhood, she remembers nothing of my life. It has also been very hard living with both her and my brother. Neither one can be left alone so we’ve hired a caregiver to come for two hrs twice a week, she is very resentful of that and rude to the caregiver. I’ve missed out on my teen sons basketball games and outings with the family. We used to walk every evening as a family and tried to do it with them to no avail.

Anyways, I spent months looking for just the right place for my mom to go. Finally found an ALF with a wonderful MC attached. Move in day is tomorrow!!! I was not going to tell her until tomorrow but just didn’t feel right about it. My husband and I have been there the last 2 days for several hours hooking up tv,hanging shelves and photos, making it warm and cozy for her. She asked today where husband was so I told her getting your new apartment perfect for you. She said but I am going home not to an apartment. In the past I would’ve said the drs won’t let you go home without 24hr care but this has upset her very much (she has anosognosia). This time I said your home is needing too many repairs (very true) and they can’t all be done in the winter (not quite true) so this is a temp place for you to go. She asked if my bro could go with and I said no because it is for seniors. She asked why she couldn’t stay with me which broke my heart. I told her I thought it would be fun for her to be around others who want to participate in lots of activities like she does. At first she said it felt like her body was being zapped all over. I just said I’m so sorry you aren’t happy about this, we are trying our very best to make you happy. I said I met her new neighbor who was hoping she liked bingo because she needs a new partner. Well that lit her right up, she said she loved bingo and hoped it wouldn’t cost extra. So far so good, now she is peacefully reading in front of the fireplace.

A huge weight has been lifted, I was feeling so scared about springing this on her at the last second. Still feel a bit defeated that I couldn’t keep her here but it’s not working for my very active family. My brother is waiting, unbeknownst to them, for a group home which could take a year but at least the ball is rolling. I’m afraid tomorrow will be very emotional but hopeful she will love it eventually. I’ve battled with guilt that I’m not doing enough but as I’ve read here maybe it’s really grief. I’ve also appreciated those that have said I’m not doing this to her but for her. I wanted so bad to arrange for her to be in her own home but couldn’t figure out how to do that safely and economically. 

Sorry for the extra long post just needed to get this off my chest. Hoping and praying tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible. Also appreciate any tips anyone may have. Not sure how long to wait before visiting again I’ve heard both sides on that, but would appreciate suggestions on that as well. Take care everyone, you are all so amazing!!

Stuck in the middle

I'm sorry you are having to do this, but it sounds like the right thing to do.  Good luck.

harshedbuzz

Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

The temporary senior apartment until her place can be repaired is a terrific example of a therapeutic fiblet. Strong work with that one.

The days leading to dad's placement were the hardest on my heart- worse even than the day I took him to the MCF under the guise of needing rehab to get stronger. I suggest making the drive with your DH if possible as the ride home was awful. Dad was pretty angry the first 10 days or so but settled quickly. We visited next day and one of use stopped in daily going forward. I didn't want him to feel abandoned and I wanted eyes-on because he could be a handful.

During the transition, I took my mom because dad would excoriate her if she was alone and she'd freeze in place and take the abuse. I managed to keep the visit to a public area which was enough to keep dad on his best behavior and would remove her if he started to crank up. 

He didn't take much advantage of the social programing but did enjoy the music activities and performances.

HB

Hjc101

Good luck! I hope all goes well for your mom and she adjusts quickly and likes her new home and friends!

Praying that all goes well for you!

harshedbuzz

I wanted to add that getting your brother out into a community group setting is wonderful. It's really best if he can launch into as much independence as possible while your mom and you are around to help him transition to his new life.

Tfreedz

Thank you HB. I’ve wanted my brother to be in a group home for years just for his own independence. My mother babied him and he became very spoiled and did less and less on his own. This past week has been very hard, knowing I am working “behind her back” to move her. I would feel more comfortable visiting even briefly every day for a while too. I’m glad your dad finally adjusted and was able to enjoy the music!

SIM and HJC thanks for your support, it means so much time me!

Daughter80

Definitely praying for you. You’ve done the work and found the best possible place for your mom. I really believe the anxiety before a stressful time tends to be worse than the actual event.  I was terrified weeks before moving my mom close. I think I cried daily for at least a week. Then once she got here it wasn’t easy. Still sad, but I could breath and with time things settled and we got into our new norm. I love that you were able to find a “reason” for her move and then were able to get her excited about something. That seems promising. I think I would have to visit daily. I don’t know since I haven’t gotten to this point yet, but that is just how I imagine I would handle this.  Again, you’re doing a god job. Give yourself so much grace and credit for all you have done and will continue to do. Give yourself permission to grieve. Give yourself permission to feel however it is that you feel because really all feelings are so valid with all you are going through. Virtual flowers sent tomorrow and continual prayers for you and your family.

May flowers

Good luck tomorrow! You have done all the right things. We also told my FIL the night before moving him to memory care and he had some concerns and then was fine. He made “friends” (although he never knew their names), and they joked around together from day one, he even had a “lady friend” he walked with everyday. It was definitely the right move at the right time.

harshedbuzz

Tfreedz-

Wishing you all the best juju today. I hope it goes well and that the anger associated with transitioning is relatively brief and minor. My wish for you both is that sometime next month she'll be too busy with her bingo friends to visit.

HB

Quincy70

Hello, 

I am brand new to this forum and could use advice/assistance/feedback. 

My mom is in the early middle stage of Alzheimer’s. She still got the most part knows her spouse and children (though often is confused about her spouse/ caregiver “who is this old man? “Is he our father?” It breaks my dad’s heart I can tell. I’m not sure what the best way to handle it is - constantly correcting her? Sometimes she thinks he is a different guy, and I hate to think she’s stressed out about being there with a strange man. 

Also, she is obsessed with her teeth/mouth for some reason. (Bad taste in mouth, teeth hurt, feel tight, lips are dry) she’s been to dentist several times. Not sure if this is common? Is there an alteration of taste in Alzheimer’s?

Thanks. patience and strength to all!

K

SusanB-dil

Hi Tfreed - I agree with the other posts that you are doing great!  Hang in there - the move will be over soon enough, and remember you are doing what is best for all of you.  You cannot continue the way it 'was' for yourself and your family, and I'm glad you are aware of that.  Hope the transition goes well and she gets settled in fairly quickly.

  Hi Quincy70 - yes, taste can change - but do start your own forum question, as you will get more advice that way...  and Welcome to 'here'.