He didn't know me

Kevcoy

This morning was a huge blow to me.  It started out fine with a cup of coffee and watching the morning news.  Then out of the blue came the questions I never saw coming like; Do you have family in town?  Do you know my brother?  Do you know his wife?  Do you know my mother?  How long have you lived here?  Do you have dogs?  And on and on.  They were all asked very calmly and he didn't seem upset.  I answered the questions and my answers seemed to stun him.  When I answered about his brother's wife and said her name I got a, "how did you know that?"  He then asked, "Why am I so confused about all of this?"  I hugged him and said that everything will be alright and to try and relax.

The one question that made my heart fall was, What is your name?  When I said my name, he was dumbfounded and said "Oh another person with the same name as who I'm married to."  I didn't know what to do.  I just sat there with my heart in my throat.  I didn't want say it was me and maybe cause more confusion so I just changed the subject and said that maybe it was time to feed the cats.

This has all happened so fast.  Is this something that might come and go?  I'm not really sure how to answer these questions.  He has his hernia surgery coming up next week.  I kicked his mother out of the house and told her to not come back after she yelled at me for not caring about her son.  I'm floundering. 

Ed1937

I'm sorry you had to hear that, but I think you handled it perfectly. Again, I'm sorry. I know it's hard.

Joydean

I’m so sorry, you did handle it perfectly and stayed calm. Prayers for you and your husband.

Vitruvius

Sadly what you have experienced with your husband’s questions isn’t unusual. I and others have posted on this before. My DW started not recognizing me occasionally but it quickly became most if not all of the time. Just today while doing her usual browsing she picked up a photo of us on vacation and showed it to me saying this is my husband and me on vacation. Sigh. When introducing me to people (often people we actually already know) she will tell them I am her husband, but minutes later she will refer to her husband in the third person.  She often calls me by my correct name but again will seconds later will use my name in the third person. But DW also may speak to me using a different name usually a close male relation.

DW frequently asks me those difficult questions when we are driving. She asks me about my brothers, but I have none, yet I still answer as though I do. I never correct her I just deflect or fudge. Those brothers are the various versions of me that she imagines. 

I no longer wear my wedding ring. I had to take it off shorty after DW stopped recognizing me as her husband, although she accepts me as some she is comfortable having around. Early on one day she noticed my wedding ring and became somewhat puzzled by it. She wanted to know who I was married to and since I was married to someone else why was I with her. I dodged the discussion somehow and decided it would be better to just take it off and avoid any consternation on her part. She still occasionally asks me if I have a girlfriend and I always say yes it’s you. She smiles and takes this as a joke.

I could go on, but you get the point. 

cw2502

Almost this exact type of scenario hit me full force this past summer (may 2021) while we were driving out of town on vacation.  Do you know my daughter?  Are you married?  How old are you?  Where do you live?  I was totally shocked, but over the course of the following months, I realize now there were times before when I wasn't "me" to him but just didn't know it.  Like when my father passed away (July 2020) and he wouldn't drive down to my parents with me as I was very upset.  He said "that's your family! I'm can't go with you, sorry!"  

It continues now and he got pretty agitated a few times at first (accusing me of stealing his wife's purse, phone and wallet) so he is now on Seroquel for that and it has helped immensely.  Like Vitruvius, I believe I am mostly NOT me, than I am me.  Most evenings he asks if I am staying at his house tonight.  He will sometimes orient me to our entire home and show me where I will sleep; in his bed next to him, but will sometimes tell me "that there are sometimes two people there".  (me and me!)   He will offer me the clothes in (my) closet, or he offers his clothes "since I don't have anything".  He thinks several different women drive my car and its a big source of confusion for him.  He has begun thinking it's his mother's car and asking for where his mother is (this is quite common).  He recently was looking for her and when he realized she was deceased, he started bawling.  He also thinks other people are in our home alllll the time.  "Where did everyone go?"  "Are those people still in the back?"  One day he shushed me as he thought I was being too loud and "the boys were sleeping in the back".   Like others have mentioned, diverting and fiblets are the best way to handle.  

He is still quite self sufficient; continent, showers and dresses himself, which I am truly thankful for.  I know so many are dealing with those issues.  He still maintains the lawn for the most part except the equipment is starting to confuse him (it won't start but he doesn't have gas in it). Eating is starting to be a problem; nothing tastes good to him.    

I have many many more examples of him not knowing who I am, and of extreme confusion scenarios, but as mentioned, you get the point.  I'm rambling but I could type all night about this.  The disease is truly brutal.  

Ed1937

Cw, you'd better watch him closely if he's using power equipment. My MIL was cutting grass with a push mower, and thought there was a grass clog behind the blade. She reached in to clear it while the mower was running. Luckily it only got one finger instead of the whole hand. It wasn't pretty.

Jeff86

This is one of the more heart-breaking stops on the AD journey.   I’m sorry you’ve arrived at this point.  Your DH may well phase in and out of recognizing/knowing you for some time to come.  

Periodically, I check in with my DW to see what her level of awareness is.  I asked her tonight what my name is, and she said, ‘Darling.’  I asked her if I have another name and, clever woman, she replied, ‘that’s all the name you need.’

Very sweet.  But also very sad — she has no idea of the answer.

M1

Kevcoy, I could have written your post, it happened here for the first time in the last few months and so far has been intermittent. But she will ask me daily questions that are unsettling, such as whether I have children, was I married before, how long have we been together, do I know our neighbors or her family and friends that I’ve known for thirty years. It is quite painful. She’s asked me whether I know (gives my proper name). She’s seen a medical journal of mine on the kitchen table and said, I think that belongs to ( my proper name). So it’s a hard milestone for sure.

Beachfan

My DH skipped the confusion period altogether.  Never asked my name, kids’ or relatives identity, marital  status, place of residence, etc., etc.  He went straight to a brick wall of nothing - - no recognition, no questions, no accusations, no comments on people, places, or activities.  His rare attempts at “conversation” consist of  long strings of gibberish with an occasional meaningful phrase thrown in.  Not long ago, in the midst of a confusing chat, I said, “Do you have a wife?”  He never skipped a beat….”Yeah, she’s pretty!”  I’ll take that as a win.

Kevcoy

I truly appreciate everyones input and your stories.  The 24 hours that past since this episode has been quite the ride.  We went from not knowing me, to great gratitude that I am the only one who understands and loves him, to he's got a lawyer and is going to move out, to I don't care about the dogs and want them to die (where that came from I don't know), to just weeping in his chair.  This disease sucks.  But you people here are angels.

Knowing that you are not alone really does make all the difference in the world.

Normani Hamilton

Gig Harbor

I experienced the same thing this fall. My husband doesn’t know we are married but he never questions who I am. He lives pretty much in the moment. He will talk about his hometown and I tell him that I have been there many times with him. He is always surprised. I think that when I have to place him he will not react much. He will simply fit in with the new group of people. This is a good thing because it means he is always happy and never dwells on things in the past or worries about the future. His life revolves around walking, going for drives, watching movies and eating.

Lynne D

Wow, what an enlightening thread. My HWD exhibits a lot of the same behaviors. Incredulity that I know his sister, asking if I have been places (that we were together) and forgetting my name. I believe he forgets why I am here, as he seems to bluff. He introduces himself to me literally at least 15 times per day. I shake his hand and say “Lynne, your loving wife of 26 years.” 

I was crushing at first, but that has been replaced with seething frustration at the repetition and also being shadowed. 

Bill_2001

6.3 years in here. I have learned that when it comes to my dear wife's dementia, everything is a surprise. Or nothing is, depending upon how you look at it. Literally anything is possible from one day to the next. I have placed all of my expectations, future plans, and dreams, into the trash can. It is a never-ending heartbreak for us here.

toolbeltexpert

Bill_2001 wrote:

6.3 years in here. Bill 

I know what you mean Bill,  everyday sometimes every minute is new not always good. But if you get lemons make lemonade. All my plans of visiting family  a 1000 miles away, any trip I could have imagined like you said it's all trashed.  I am thankful that my DW is at home with me and we can come and go as we please. Little day trips to a local state park break up the days. We always go to the same places. I am lucky I can still do this and it's still doable. The days are coming when these things will be gone. One day at a time.  Prayers for you both.

billS

Kevcoy my wife went through a similar stage a couple of years ago, not recognizing me, calling the sheriff or neighbors to "get this strange guy out of my house" etc. When I told her my name and that we have been married for 46 years she would go into a panic and think she must be married to two people, me and the other guy with the same name. 

After starting antipsychotic meds all those negative behaviors stopped. I don't know whether it was the progression of the disease or the meds, but within weeks she went from seeing me as an unwelcome stranger to someone she depended on and looked to for security. Most of the time she even knew I was her husband and knew my name. This miserable disease is just cruel and unpredictable.

NylaBlue

My husband usually knows I’m his wife, but in the evening he sometimes asks if I’m his daughter or will ask when I’m going home and try to pay me. So far, even when he doesn’t know “me”, he still knows I am the person who is here to take care of him. Considering what others on this board have had to deal with I consider myself lucky. That said, he may wake up one morning and try to throw me out of the house, or worse. It’s the daily uncertainty of this disease that frightens me.

Crushed

DW lost all power of meaningful speech before she lost who I was.  She always had this special way of stroking my face and chest (face with her fingers and then chest with the back of her hand).  It was her "signature move".  She first did it in a movie theater 50 years ago.     In memory care if I asked her if she wanted "lots of kissing" and she responded with that move, i knew it was her.  When that stopped in Summer of 2018 I knew she no longer had any idea who I was.  

Marie58

Crushed wrote:

DW lost all power of meaningful speech before she lost who I was. 

 

 Same with my DH. He lost his speech before he didn't know who I was.  I could tell by his eyes when he didn't know who I was. But since then there have been times when I could tell he knew me by his gaze. After 42 years, one can still read that nonverbal love language.

Otterly

Thank yoiu for sharing. I am dreading the day that this comes. It would be helpful to know from some of you how long this took from initial diagnosis.  I am cherishing evey moment I have with my DW.

abc123

GreggF, if you start a new thread you will get a better chance of replies. Good luck to you and your wife.