How to tell my loved one sad/bad news

WindyY

Help!!

My mother does not remember that she is divorced or that she has a child (my sister) who has died.  She has been crying for my dad to come get her and take her home (from her care home), asks why doesn't he want to see her anymore.  She also remembers all of us kids but doesn't remember that my sister died almost 3 years ago.    I try and try to redirect her but sometimes she is just hysterical, thinking she has been abandoned, not remembering the divorce and death.  

I have tried (several months ago) to remind her of the divorce and that my sister died but she just gets mad because I am "lying" to her so I don't do that anymore.  

Anyone have any advice on how to talk to her about these things?  So far I am deflecting as much as possible, telling her I'll make some calls, see what I can find out.  It's awful and I don't even want to call her anymore. 

M1

Welcome Windy, you are doing the right thing to give noncommittal answers, I would not remind her of the prior death or divorce, it won’t stick. A first principle here is to give the answers that bring the most comfort and not to try to reason with someone who is past that. I think just saying you’ll try to find out or a simple “I know they’ll be here as soon as they can” is all you can say. Is she on medication for anxiety? Perhaps that is something to pursue. Good luck-

MN Chickadee

You will have to find the right therapeutic fib. Telling her the truth serves no purpose other than bringing stress and grief over and over.  Perhaps her husband is on a fishing trip or work trip or visiting his brother, he will come see you when he is back. Same for sister, some plausible trip or she has a cold and can't visit today or her car broke down again or whatever. Keep it simple and brief and redirect to something pleasant like a tasty treat or something you brought like a flower or magazine. Rise and repeat.  Sometimes making the vague excuse but encouraging the PWD to talk about the person thy are asking for helps. Dad is traveling but he will come see you soon. What was the best trip you took together or what do you miss about him? She will move on eventually from asking about them.

harshedbuzz

WindyY-

That's a tough one.

One feature of dad's dementia that is consistent with memory loss was that he started to time travel- as he lost longer term memory, he sometimes found himself mentally in in the 1990s or earlier. Perhaps your mom's mind has traveled to a time when she was married and all her children were living. 

With dad, his memory of my sister was hazy- she was sometimes ok, sometimes very sick and sometimes he had a sense that she had passed. She's was sort of like Schrodinger's Cat- at once both alive and dead.

She was his favorite which made this heartbreaking. How I responded depended on what sense I had of where he was in time. Sometimes he'd flat-out say "she's dead, isn't she?" and other times he was kind of not sure. If he was in place where he sensed she'd passed, I would retell a positive story about her and something funny or benign she had done. As he progressed, he seemed to forget she'd died and it became easier to talk about how busy she was with work and raising her daughters and was planning to come as soon as she could. Either approach seemed to settle him in the moment. 

In your shoes, I might try telling a funny family story about dad or sister when they are brought up and see if that helps. You could also explain their absence by citing a reason they might be elsewhere- dad's fishing at the cabin or on a business trip, sis is busy with work or on vacation.

HB

Gmom28

My husband's mother is 89 with age related dementia. He doesn't quite understand they are similar in many ways. She is declining more and more each day. I am worried about explaining to him when she does pass. When she's been admitted to the hospital or been ill in the past, he doesn't seem to show any sadness or compassion. Any suggestions on how to handle this. I want to be prepared as much as possible.

Paris20

There’s no way that a mid-stage dementia LO will remember any of the things you want to communicate. From my experience with DH, bad news elicits upset each time because for him each hearing IS the first time. Our niece died in 2020. He forgets and occasionally asks me how she’s doing. When I reminded him she had died, he became terribly upset. This happened many times in relation to many people and events. I realized that if I could make up something or change the subject, I’d be better off. He cannot remember ANYTHING I tell him. When it comes to trying to explain to a person with dementia, my mantra is fogeddaboutit.h

aform

I have a good friend with early onset Alzheimers.  I live far from her, but we stay in touch by phone/text.  She lives with family and has all basic needs met, but she doesn't have much disposable income for non-essentials or the ability to go shopping (even online) even if she did, so she turns to friends like me to order things for her.   

The items she asks for are not expensive, but after a visit to her a few months ago, my suspicions were confirmed that she often asks multiple people for the same things and then stockpiles them.    She just asked me to send an inexpensive toiletry item.  It's no big deal money-wise, but I happen to know from a visit a couple months ago that she has boxes and boxes of this item.   

I gently suggested that she check a certain spot in her bathroom (where I knew the boxes were) but sense that that agitated her! She claims she looked and couldn't find them--but I know that's impossible.  I ended up  telling her not to worry and that if she can't find them, I'll order more  

Really--it's kind of a fib.   I think she will just forget but I don't know if there's a better way to handle her requests without agitating her or feeling like I'm deceiving her.

Aunt Maggie

How can I get my DH to understand that he needs to be tested by a Neurologist. He is in denial that anything is wrong except that he has gotten old.

Stuck in the middle

Hello, Maggie.  

I just make appointments for my wife and tell her on the day of the exam.  If it is with a specialist, I tell her Dr. Moore (her PCP) wants her to see him.  And off we go.  

That's what works for me.  If you create a new thread, more people will see your question and you will probably get more answers.  Just click on the "new topic" button near the top of the page.

sandwichone123

Aunt Maggie, I would tell him that maybe nothing is wrong; it's just one of those tests they do every year as you get older.