Unknown by Man

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Unknown By Man

It has been interesting, the concerns listed by others are real. The caregivers not being reliable is a real thing. On Wednesday they did not even show, and today they asked for Friday off due to the possible snow. My mother does genuinely like the caregiver, she is Hispanic, younger and very pleasant. She does engage well with my mom, I just have to be careful cause my mother does tend to want to give away her possessions to nicer people as thanks. I know it is a nice jester but I do not think she should be giving away her possessions to others so easily.

The adult day care is a must I feel though, she was so much better today in terms of mood. She seemed like she was back to her told self. On Wednesday she seemed overly lethargic. She does enjoy the day care greatly. Next week they are going to see an exhibition at the museum, and she seems excited about that. I also got her a peloton bike, and subscription I hope she enjoys it. She does like her workout mirror. At times she does get confuse about the person in the mirror but the confusion seems harmless. It is more like how did that person get inside. I am going to limit her weight training but I will still encourage her to exercise since she loves it. She tried to get the aid to join her, I do think it made her uncomfortable since she was not able to keep up. I have to figure that one out. My mother has started the process to get 24 hour split shift aids in place, so I will be able to switch to a better agency once that is done.

She does want to learn new things but with dementia that is harder, for some reason she has taken more of an interest is growing herself and experiencing life. I think the experiences in the hospital and facilities have left a lasting impression I do not know. She is still her clingy self and wants me around all the time. 

Just as it stands I am dealing with more personal issues in my own life. Though, I knew this would be a concern if I went down this path. Thank you for asking I appreciate it. I am still staying with her to observe I think next week I will start to distance myself from the situation. I do not wish to break it off suddenly. 

SusanB-dil

Hi Unknown - not breaking suddenly sounds logical.  Hope things get better for you in all aspects, real soon.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Abzu

Been following which I believe is your wife's thread on a different forum. I do say this without rancor and with no ill intentions. You need to speak with your wife, she is hurting, and she NEEDS her husband. You made a vow to your wife, respect those vows. Based off everything you did what you could,  now go help your wife and live for your future, not for a dying past.

dayn2nite2

I have no idea what "another forum" is but it certainly isn't helpful to tell tales from one forum to another.

As I recall recently, UBM stated the wife tried to kill the mother, so basically you have him in between 2 very disturbed people.  

Abzu

You are correct that was not proper I apologize. Best of luck to you and your mom UBM.

abc123

Dear Unknown, You are amazing. Your mother is very fortunate to have a son like you. 

I know you love your mother but Victoria made some excellent points. I wish you, your wife and your mom the very best. Please take good care of yourself!

Unknown By Man

Thank you for all the kind words, and if I ever do create a magic pill that solves all problems you have my word I will not phrama bro it and price gouge 5000%.

Jokes aside you do raise many valid points and I know in my heart of hearts what I am doing is nice exactly wise. I understand the risks I am a taking but unfortunately I have to do what I feel is best for my own sanity down the road. After my father passed I have thought, said, and done many things I am not proud of nor would my father. I had moments of weakness, but those times when I refused to pick her up and when she got covid it did make one fact clear. If I give up without trying I will always live with that nagging thought should I have done more. I am going to try, and that is all I can do. Even if I get 1 good week, that is still one good week. 

Thank you to the poster that deleted the message. I am aware of the other thread that was cross posted from this forum. My wife asked me about it prior to even the posts being shared. It appears me keeping her out the loop as a means of protecting her only led her to more pain. For what it is worth I agree my wife does need me, and I am doing all I can.

In brighter news, the aid actually did show up today even though it is snowing. My mom also told me that I can go home on Saturday and she hugged and thanked me for not abandoning her like her family. It is not easy, I can see parts of her being lost. I see her trying to play Jenga with one hand in a wind tunnel. She is trying to put on a strong face with the aid but it bleeds through. Speaking of Jenga we did play her hand eye coordination is not bad. It is rough I wish I could do these things with my wife and mother. They are the two last remaining parts of my family. I get forgiveness is not possible what my mother has done to her is beyond forgiveness. I still wish for it to be possible. I do hope by the this has settled it will not be too late, and as I expressed to her I hope she understands I am not picking my mom over her. I am taking the path that will allow me not to go into a downward sprial of self doubt and hate. I would nor be the same person, and that alone probably would have caused issues. Who knows I might even had blamed her. That is not what I want, I do not want to have feelings like that. 

If all goes well over the weekend I plan to step back from the forums and all things dementia related. I am going to try and get back into the things that made me, me. Moonfall is coming out probably will go see that. I do appreciate all these forums have done. As things are going my mom is holding up well, and I will find out on Monday or Tuesday if CASC is willing to approve my mother for extended hours until the NHDT goes through. 

Once again thank you for letting me rant and rave. It has helped me greatly. I will keep the forum posted and if you ever find yourself in New York and all this covid stuff is done it would be my honor to buy anyone a drink.

Suzzin

Although my situation is somewhat different, I truly understand your dilemma.  I know for absolute certain that if I dedicated my life to entertaining and caring for my parents that they would be happier than they are now. However, I wouldn't be happier. My husband/child wouldn't be happier. And at some point my monkey dance to entertain and cater to them wouldn't be enough and then they wouldn't be happy either. 

I think that's where you are with your mom. Sure, give up every minute of every day and entertain her. But it will never be enough. Sadly, this story will end the way it will end. The only option you have is whether you give up your entire self for a losing cause, or whether you find some balance. Not walking away! But find a place in the middle that works for YOU. Your mom sounds like she will always want more, but that doesn't mean you have to give her everything.  You can give her some but not all.

I appreciate that you want to keep trying, but please realize that you can't "fix" this.