Moving resistant mom to MC, should I block cell phone?

rk0914

Hey all, here's my situation: We are moving my mom into MC without her knowledge. We are considering suspending her cell phone or blocking most of the numbers. I'm curious to hear how others have handled this and how things turned out. Has it worked better to turn off the phone service? Or block all numbers and leave a couple trusted contacts. Or just take away the phone entirely? My mom is attached to her phone, so any of these options may create extreme levels of distress.

Some background in case it helps: My mom has moderate Alzheimer's and she actually agreed to move to AL a couple years ago. She was involved in all planning and then threw a full blown tantrum when the movers came. She lives alone in a 3 story house that is falling apart and has a mold problem. She also refuses to pay to fix anything, hates having to take care of things, stresses out because things are broken, and refuses to move out. We haven't told anyone about our plan because they may tell her, and then we won't be able to get her into the MC. We've already started transitioning her to the MC: during the day she attends their daycare and at night she stays with us. Her mood has improved so much now that she's out of her house and socializing regularly. It's been a week, and we are going to finalize the move soon. My mom is attached to her cell phone, but when upset, she will call everyone she can repeatedly. The people she calls are well-intended but also panic-prone, and they include my 2 aunts who have shown a tendency to take my mom's side, no matter how unreasonable. This means they essentially undermine us and prolong my mom's anger and stress, rather than try to help her transition to safer situations (this happened when we took her car keys away 2 years ago). However, they are also a key part of her support system (beyond us, her daughters). Anyway, back to my questions above - any recommendations or shared experiences would be helpful. Thanks!

Additional notes: Her short term memory is basically non-existent, and her brain fabricates a lot of stories that are alarming to people who don't spend continuous time with her. For a number of reasons, we can't move in with her and she can't move in with us, but it's not safe for her to be in her house. 

jfkoc

Hi rk

I have not been in a position to have the delima you face but I will add my 2 cents.

Blocking may make things easier for you but it may make your mother feel terribly isolated and abondoned.

There is likely a middle of the road solution which has worked for others who will share first hand with you here.

Rescue mom

Sooo many people here have been in your situation with the phone and unnecessary constant calls etc. I’d say if somebody causes problems, then that’s a block. But you don’t have to block *everybody*. 

She can still call you. If you are confident with the staff where she’ll be staying, you do not have to take every call she makes (some people, like mine, will call every 20 minutes). . If it’s a real emergency or problem, the staff can reach you. Sounds like you don’t have to take her phone completely away, but you may need some limits—many, many people do. It’s not unusual, or out of line. 

At some point, you may indeed need to take it away—she will lose it repeatedly, or be susceptible to scam callers, or just forget how to use it. But you can try it, with some limits, first.

Tfreedz

I would definitely block the people ( your aunts) that are not going to help her transition. Perhaps you will be able to unblock them once your mom has adjusted but maybe not. I think the way you are easing your mom out of her house and into the facility is great.

My mom absolutely refused to leave her home which was falling apart, she was like your mom refusing to fix it or help to fix it. She had pneumonia and from the hospital came to live with us until we could get her into a facility. The stress relief she had, although refused to admit, was amazing. Once we got her into the facility she was thankful for all of the caring staff and meals. My mom forgot how to use the phone so that wasn’t an issue for us but I would limit anyone who would create a negative conversation for her.

Good luck, this can be very stressful but once she is there, things will get better.

harshedbuzz

rk-

In your shoes, I would block (phone and visits, both) anyone who would interfere with her transition and adjustment to her new home as a kindness to her. Once she settles in, you can try 

It's great, btw, that she'll be staying where she's currently doing her day program. That should help, especially if she's familiar with the unit- staffing and residents. I wonder if you can sell the move after the fact as a temporary stay while needed repairs are made to her home. 

So much of this sounds so familiar. When I initially moved my parents near me because of dad's dementia, my mom's circle of friends rounded on me like I was the very devil even though she nearly died with him as her advocate when ill. I suspect my likeness was burned in a well-known 55+ community in Central Florida. The olds tend to stick together- the loss of independence for one is like a threat to them all. 

HB

King Boo

Sometimes the mere presence of a phone is the reminder to use it and it's very presence is the portal to stress.

To my surprise, my very fixated on the phone loved one did not stress at all about not having a phone 

There was one inquiry about it, I said "I'll work on it Dad, it was broken.  The nurse has a phone and we can talk there for now if we need to."

Out of sight, out of mind.  You also don't need 911 calls, calls to relatives from hell, etc.

You may be surprised that once other things take the place of the fixation, it is not a cause of upset.    And even if it is, sometimes, it's necessary.

I'd just do it, and then check in with direct care staff in a day or two.  If it is an issue - they will know.

Don't ask Mom about it -not productive.

rk0914

Thanks, everyone, your advice and kind thoughts have helped me think through some different scenarios I hadn't considered as options.

It feels like such a crap shoot with how things may go. I think we may try suspending her phone service temporarily and let her keep the phone. We can maybe say that cell service is bad temporarily and see how that far that gets us. Then she can keep her phone and still use some of the apps, but she won't be able to make calls for a bit (we'll probably have to delete a couple messaging apps though...). 

I'm sure I'll need to field some panicked calls from my aunts, but I'd rather have them come down on me than rile my mom up. 

I am hoping things go well but am also trying to steel myself for some bad stuff to go down this week. It's so helpful to have this message board and y'all willing to take time to offer your thoughts and experiences. It definitely feels less lonely and uncertain. Anyway, I ramble, thanks, we'll see how it goes!

Mshew

ASSISTANCE/ADVICE CARE FACILITY/SUPPORT: 

I am new here.  I help to take care of my 78 yo aunt.  She is currently living at home with her 40 yo son, but she now requires 24/7 care as she does not sleep much, is confused all of the time and is now starting to decline food and medications.  He is unable to work due to the 24/7 demand and we have now had to change the doors to keyed locks because she was getting out of the house and telling neighbors that we were trying to hurt her.  She was diagnosed with dementia about 1.5 years ago and she has steadily gone downhill.  She is currently in a rehab facility following a UTI and they are now trying to rebuild up her strength.  She has also experienced severe weight loss in the past two years although we have tried to give her supplements and high caloric food.  We are in the process of trying to determine what level of care she needs.  She does not sleep much except for naps.  She is unable to recognize days of the week, time of day and any current status.  She is paranoid and experiencing hallucinations.  The majority of the time now, she does not know us and she seems to think she is around 30 years old with small children.  She is a mother to two grown children and two grandchildren.  She does not remember this as the truth.  

She has Medicare and supplemental insurance.  She owns her home.  Could someone tell me what are the requirements for her to be eligible to cared for in a 24/7 facility or for help to come to her home and help.  Could she be eligible for Medicaid?  Her son is absolutely exhausted.  She lives in Texas if that matters.  

May flowers

We did not block my FIL’s phone, he rarely used it, but we did get an Amazon Echo. He really didn’t use it to call us but we were able to drop in and video chat with him. Anyway, that may give you a way to communicate with her on your terms so you aren’t getting 100 calls a day.

If the MC is like the one my FIL was at, they kept them so busy with activities, he really didn’t have time to stew over his situation 

Tfreedz

Hello Mshew, if you start your own thread, you will get many more replies, just click the add topic on the top of the page.

From what you stated, it sounds like your aunt is already eligible to be in a facility. First order of business is to seek a certified elder attorney who can help sort out POA and her finances to see how best to pay for a facility. Unfortunately Medicare does not pay for long term care but she may be eligible for Medicaid which will pay for some facilities. Please encourage her son to get this done before she leaves the rehab so she can go from there to a memory care facility. It is very important for her son to discuss this with an attorney as he may have rights to the home since he was her caregiver while living there.

You can also call the help line at 1-800-272-3900, you will speak to very informative staff that can give you advice and support on the next steps.