Glass half full or half empty?

Bob in LW

My SO has short term memory problems which have been diagnosed as early Alzheimer's.  She was always in control of her finances and business affairs and becomes very depressed when she is reminded that it is no longer the case.  I try to get her to focus on the many positive things in her life but am not always successful.  Even when she asks me the same question several times in one day, I always answer as if it was the first time, so that she is not reminded of her memory problems.  Sometimes she is upbeat, especially after being with, or talking to, family members, but at other times she says that perhaps she should just go to an AL facility.  She doesn't really mean that, but it just shows her frustration caused by her memory problems.  If anyone here has dealt with the same situation, I would like to hear about it.

M1

Hi Bob and welcome.  Sorry you're going through this.  The loss of control is particularly frustrating early on.  My partner was a very successful, independent business woman, and loss of ability to control  her finances (and many other things including medication and driving) was very hard; she's now further down the disease spectrum, and frankly some of it is easier now, because she's forgotten what it used to be like.

I had some success --and still do--playfully telling her that I am her executive assistant and am on the job.  I have pretty much taken over all financial transactions in the past three years; she may still occasionally write a check, but not many any more, and she no longer has an active credit card (there is an account, but I physically have the card).  We rarely if ever discuss the dementia diagnosis; I don't remind her of it, and just try to kindly tell her "You just forget."  She is accepting of that in many circumstances.  

If you do not yet have powers of attorney for finances and healthcare, now is the time.  Never too soon to get these taken care of.  In our case, we had them way before the diagnosis (I have subsequently had to change my papers so that she is no longer my POA etc), and it also has helped enormously that we've been together for 27 years and all the financial/business folks we deal with (accountant, investments, insurers, bankers, etc) know us as a couple and have for years--so no one has ever challenged my taking over for her.  But you have to have the paperwork in place.

Good luck.  This is a hard journey and this forum can really help.

Ed1937

Hello Bob. Welcome aboard. Sorry you're dealing with this too.

We're just about 4 years into this now. My wife has a lot of trouble with speech. She can no longer handle finances because basic math if pretty much out of the question for her. She no longer cooks, and she is double incontinent. But my glass is more full than empty. Much of it depends on your mindset, in my mind.

More than once when upset, my wife said she would go anywhere that would take her. Of course I'm sure she doesn't mean it.

Iris L.

Welcome Bob.  I have been living with cognitive impairment nos for several years now, so I have direct experience in this area.  PWDs have to have a new way of life.  She's not wrong about assisted living.  It is very important to manage the environment.  The simplified environment of an AL facility  is beneficial.  You, as caregiver, have to provide that type of environment at home.  Simplify and remove anything that could be stressful or frustrating.  Anticipate what could be frustrating.  Go through the closet and simplify the wardrobe.  Avoid disturbing news shows and crime dramas on television.  Provide failure-free but enjoyable activities during the day.  Provide routine to the day--avoid surprises.  Focus on what she still can do, not on what she no longer can do.  This is what I have learned from other patients and the caregivers, and how I am learning to live my own life.

Iris L

sandwichone123

I never tell my dh that I have taken over the finances, just that I'm "helping." I'll tell him, "oh, I'll take care of that," but I try to phrase it as if I'm helping out and not that he couldn't do it. He was an accountant until he could no longer get into the computer systems or understand what the help desk was telling him.

I think people are allowed to feel frustrated and upset--if they understand even partially what's going on it certainly is frustrating and upsetting, but I do agree that it's good to change the subject pretty soon so they don't just marinate in it. Perhaps distraction might work better than pointing out. Sometimes feeling like someone is trying to cheer me up makes me dig in my heels.