We've hit a brick wall

NonnieD

It's been a while since I have posted and things are progressing. Two months ago Mom (92) was caught up in an $18 mil scam where she was to send $15,000 to the scammer who would then send her the 18 mil.  She went to the bank and drew 2 checks for $7500 each and included a personal check for $15,000.  In addition the scammer told her she owned a jewelry store and if Mom send some samples of her preferred jewelry, scammer would send back $50,000 worth.  Mom included about $15,000 worth of jewelry including family heirlooms etc.  We walked into Mom's house, she had her coat on and FedEx envelop in her hand to go mail the items.  After long talks and police involvement, changing bank accts, phone numbers, blocking calls etc, etc., the scammer sent a taxi to Mom's house to pick her up. Mom did not go. I now have her checkbook and have all financials/bills mailed to me.  Fast forward - we took Mom to a reputable gerontologist who was wonderful!!  She diagnosed Mom with dementia and is attempting to determine which kind.  She suggested brain MRI, driving test and that Mom move to assisted living.  A week later, Mom is refusing to go back to the doctor because she didn't like what she was told and will not have anyone directing her life.  Mom liked the doctor when we left the office. She is refusing MRI but says she will consent to driving test. Even more vehemently is against moving to assisted living.  I explained it was a suggestion, not a mandate. I am in the process of researching independent living with services although finances would be an issue. Doesn't matter, she now doesn't like the doctor and will not go back.  She is very strong willed and has her heels dug in so deep that I don't know where to go from here.  I have 1 brother?, totally on board with me but lives 1.5 hrs away and it seems as though Mom may be playing my brother and me against each other.  We both have POA. We know we need another intervention with all of us around the table. My apologies for such a long post.  Any ideas?? Back to top

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Iris L.

One suggestion: Gather your financial documentation, police reports, bank reports and the doctor's diagnosis of dementia and request emergency guardianship.  You will need a lawyer.  She is in need of supervision. 

Iris 

Mint

Nonnie I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this.  I’m in the canoe paddling with you.  My mom has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars since my dad died.  She bought a neighbor a truck, three grandchildren a car, harassed neighbors to do drainage work on their property for which she paid, asked a man she does not know to marry her, refused care at hospital and any follow up care when she had a stroke 3 years ago.  Has little money left and still thinks she is rich. She was not rich to begin with but she saw her self as such.

  Don’t have a lot of answers, maybe someone else will.  I just sort of have to put out fires all the time.  Hope you and your brother can stay on same page.  

harshedbuzz

Nonnie-

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. 

I have 2 suggestions-

1. Guardianship (emergency and then permanent) so you can make the decisions you need to make to keep mom safe and have assets to provide for care options. 

You don't get a do-over with monies lost; my dad pissed away $350K in the early stages of the disease. That money would have provided more and better options for his care. When my aunt obtained guardianship related to her sister, the judge forced evaluations as part of the process. The same happened when a friend and his brother obtained guardianship of their dad who had cognitive reserve by the carload and fought them. 

2. You need to let go of the notion that your mom has a say in any of these decisions. Anyone who would fall for such an obvious scam is clearly too impaired for decision-making beyond "chocolate or vanilla?" It's probably best you make the decision and do whatever it takes to make it a reality.

TMMV, but I found being assertive with dad rather than trying to cajole or bribe, was an effective strategy. TBH, I think he found the burden of his own agency heavy and was relieved to let someone else do the adulting for him. I noticed this with my aunt and my MIL, too.

SusanB-dil

Hi Nonnie - Totally agree with Iris and HarshedB, that she is no longer capable of making any of these decisions on her own.  Sounds like you and brother need to have an honest talk and get on the same page. Tell your brother that mom is telling you one thing, and possibly telling him something totally different.  So glad you were able to stop that envelope.

We are dealing with a long-term and expensive mess as well (it is really bad) - you can see in other threads that you cannot always trust a 'trusted' family member... Let alone a scammer over the phone, that has the nerve enough to send a taxi??!!! Wow! (family member knew MIL wasn't making great decisions and used it.)

MIL has anosognosia, so we are having quite a time with medicine, doctors, caregiving, and her acceptance of caregivers as well. 

Please make sure you keep on top of that driving test!!  Do not wait for 'driving' to turn into a crisis situation. I've mentioned previously... Driving cognitively impaired can go real bad. real fast.

mommyandme (m&m)

The money issue, scammers etc… is so common, it seems, as the tell tale sign of the inability to care for oneself.  It happened to us…my mom, my bro and I.  I’m so glad you were able to intercept the scam before it was too late. If you’ve got POAs in order I think you should be able to take charge of her care. 

Your mom can’t make decisions on her own anymore. You and your brother will likely have to exclude her from all decision making soon. So hard! 

I’m so very sorry this journey has become more intense for you and yours.  

Love&Light

Nonnie, it happened to our family as well. My Dad was a business man and loved investing in companies. The amount of money he lost was staggering. We finally clued in and caught it but by then it was too late, and most of the money he had worked so hard his entire life for was gone. 

Like many of the other posters, this could have been used to manage his care in his house indefinitely. But alas, we're struggling to figure out how to pay for MC beyond the summer.

I obtained guardianship and it was expensive (still is). It was the only way to take control over what little $ he had left AND get him moved into MC.

Thank goodness you were able to intervene on time. Your LO would be so grateful if they could express it.