Advice on installing lock on front door

LucieSue

My DH has mid-stage VD and is at the stage when I need to install a lock on the front door. I could use advice on what to expect in his reaction to this and how to handle that. He has become obsessed with checking the mailbox multiple times during the day and sometimes in the middle of the night. Thanks for any help you can give. Being linked to people on this site has helped me to feel not so alone, more confident and much stronger in carrying through necessary actions.

Comrade

Good morning and understand. I hired a carpenter to install double-sided deadbolts on the front, back and basement doors. This was necessary after my DW wandered out of the house at 2AM and was found by a neighbor who was returning from work.

I really didn't receive any pushback after DW realized something potentially dangerous had happened. However, I see your dilemma and understand why your husband may be offended or angry.

My DWs safety and your husband's, is all that matters. It could have been worse for my wife and don't want anything to happen to your husband.

I keep the keys on me at all times with a few spares given to family. The master spares are hidden in the house.

loveskitties

Locks on doors to keep people in have always been a safety concern for me.  My folks have had a deadbolt on their front door for years which requires a key to open it even from the inside.  All the family knows where the key is so it can be opened by others if/when needed.

Would a door alarm work for you instead of a lock?  The sound of the alarm would not only alert you but might also eventually deter your DH from opening it.

If you have to put on a lock for his safety and your peace of mind, just make sure you have means for quick exit in case of emergency.

Regardless of what means you use to prevent him from exiting on his own, he will probably be upset that he can't get it open.  It may take a while for him to give up and leave it alone.  You will probably be asked many times what is wrong with the door that it will not open.  It will probably confuse him that you can open it and he can't.

Best wishes as you navigate this ever changing process.

Ed1937

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need to be here. Do you leave him alone at any time? If so, a lock could possibly be a bad idea. Locks can be useful if someone is there with him all the time. A simple barrel lock, placed high on the door, might work because PWD typically don't look up. If you can live with the door alarm, that might be your best idea.

We don't know much about your husband. Tell us a little more about his capabilities so we can help better.

Stuck in the middle

My friend, whose husband had AD, installed double-sided locks after he mistook a neighbor's house for his own and kicked the door in.  I had them for years when my children were small.

Some people think double locks are a fire hazard.  I have lived 75 years without a house fire and consider them rare events for people who don't smoke in bed etc.  Wandering at night is a real and present danger for you.  I recommend the locks.  Have them all keyed the same so one key opens all (you can buy them that way at hardware stores).

jfkoc

Barrel lock or even a simple hook and eye placed high can do the trick. It is important never to leave your husband in the house with the door locked!

Crushed

In my professional work I have reviewed pictures of dead bodies  laying by double sided deadbolts.   They are lethal in a fire
The solution is a delayed egress lock 

It has an alarm and a time delay you have to keep pressing it for 15 seconds or so  (ou can set it for longer)

Note the term used in the industry for dementia patients or small children escaping is "Elopement"  
 
One poster wrote
  Some people think double locks are a fire hazard.  I have lived 75 years without a house fire and consider them rare events for people who don't smoke in bed etc.
 

 Your personal experience is frankly inadequate to describe the  risk.   Captain Smith of the TITANIC ran full speed at night into an ice field since he had never hit an iceberg. 

LucieSue

The problem is when he wants to go out after dark or even in the middle of the night. An alarm isn't going to stop him, though it will alert me of what he is planning to do. He can be stubborn and shout at me, "go away!" Distraction doesn't work- he is obsessed with checking the mail - so I cannot physically keep him from going out. 

He doesn't like being told what to do. Never did. I'm good at not taking anything he says to me personally.  I'm getting good at fiblets. No guilt anymore. But right now I don't have a way to enforce my demand that he not go outside after dark without me. 

We do have a back door which we never use and I'm not sure if he would try to use it if he couldn't open the front door. We've only been in this rental house for a year.

Stuck in the middle

We have all seen pictures of people dead in house fires.  We have also seen pictures of PWDs who wandered and froze to death.  Life is never completely safe.  You just have to determine whether you are more afraid of the lady or the tiger.

One key, worn around your neck on a silver chain.  When you need to get out, you go.  Beats the tar out of tramping the woods in freezing weather looking for your LO in the dark.

To be really safe you could place your LO in memory care. Of course, those places catch fire too, and the doors are locked.

With a door alarm, you would at least know he was outside and could call the police if he doesn't come back in a minute.  Or you can lock the door.

M1

Welcome LucieSue.  If it's rental property, you probably need permission from the landlord anyway.  I wonder:  if you bought a cheap plastic mailbox and put it in the house somewhere, I wonder if that would satisfy his obsession?  You could put random pieces of mail in it?  Just a thought.  I get that it might not work, but just trying to brainstorm (think outside the box, as it were?).  I know how obsessions are very hard to break, fortunately that's not one we've dealt with but there are plenty of others.

Stuck in the middle

The indoor mailbox is a great idea.

Crushed

Stuck in the middle wrote:

We have all seen pictures of people dead in house fires.  We have also seen pictures of PWDs who wandered and froze to death.  Life is never completely safe.  You just have to determine whether you are more afraid of the lady or the tiger.

One key, worn around your neck on a silver chain.  When you need to get out, you go.  Beats the tar out of tramping the woods in freezing weather looking for your LO in the dark.

To be really safe you could place your LO in memory care. Of course, those places catch fire too, and the doors are locked.

With a door alarm, you would at least know he was outside and could call the police if he doesn't come back in a minute.  Or you can lock the door.

My whole career has been science based safety regulation including fire safety.  My first work was fire safety in mental hospitals. People with dementia start fires.  It an enhanced risk.  I've written articles on people's false ideas of fire based on  movies and television.   I am always amazed that people who would not cut their own hair think they can solve complex safety problems with slogans and casual  comments.  Virtually every licensed dementia facility in the state of Maryland is sprinklered and has delayed egress doors.

  

 
  

  

JJ401

Crushed, I had never heard of a delayed egress lock, but it sounds perfect. I don’t need this lock yet, but I have bookmarked them for when/if I do.

We have the double keyed locks (they were here when we bought),  but never use them for exactly the reason you stated. We use the latch on the storm door and the doorknob lock. We hope to replace the doors soon and when we do we will not have double keyed locks. They petrify me.

Pat6177

Two goofy ideas. I recently bought a Wyze camera to keep an eye on the stove and microwave area if I’m not in the kitchen. So I have cameras on the brain. What if you put one of these cameras inside the mailbox so your LO can sit inside the house and check the mailbox via the camera app? Get one of the battery operated ones. They have an app and you can watch what the camera sees on your smartphone or tablet. The Wyze camera I got is a plug in and I paid $35 for it on Amazon. I think the battery operated ones might be more expensive. This would all depend on whether your LO would understand the whole concept and accept that he is seeing the inside of his mailbox.

The second goofy idea comes from a friend who is a retired PT and saw patients in MCFs. She said some places put yellow caution tape across the doors. Like the tape that the police use that says Do Not Enter. I think you can buy it at a hardware store. Most people would just not cross the tape. Or in this case, not open the door. You would still need locks on the doors but the caution tape might prevent frustration if they don’t try to open the door.

IWBH1990

When my DW started wandering out of the house (and flagging down passing cars), from a discussion on this forum I found a lock on Amazon called the defender. It has no keys, but requires a little thought and coordination to open. I could open it in one second, but my wife never figured it out. It was a lifesaver for her security.

harshedbuzz

LucieSue-

I love the idea of the indoor mailbox stashed with random stuff. 

I have a friend whose mom was a wanderer. The poor dear had gotten out the garage door and fell on the steps down to the garage floor and broke her arm. She had all manner of sophisticated cameras and motion detection alerts for her cell phone but the 2 things that kept mom safely in the house were

1) a black doormat placed at each exit. As PWD progress, they often lose some of their visual processing skills and will perceive a black mat as a hole and avoid it.

2) a simple sliding lock or hotel-style lock placed high on the door. Her husband spray painted them to blend in with the doors although most PWD don't look up so that wasn't really necessary. 

HB

Paris20

My daughter insisted on installing dead bolt locks on three doors leading to the outside of our house. I was in the hospital at the time so I knew nothing about it until I came home. I was upset because a fire could kill us while we searched for the hidden key. One night, my husband tried to open the front door to let the dog out. He had a total meltdown when he saw the new lock. A couple of days later my daughter returned to her home, on the west coast. I have not locked those doors with those locks since that day. I use the old fashioned locks that we’ve had for 40 years. 

My husband doesn’t wander. In fact, he hates to leave the house. We do use a very inexpensive signaling system that lets me and his aide know when he has left the bedroom. It works well and when my husband hears the sound of the signal, we tell him it’s one of our phones.

toolbeltexpert

M1 wrote:

That sound like an excellent idea.

Ed1937

harshedbuzz wrote:

a black doormat placed at each exit. As PWD progress, they often lose some of their visual processing skills and will perceive a black mat as a hole and avoid it.

I really like that idea, and I've seen before where dark colors, especially black, might be perceived as a hole. That's well worth trying.

Jo C.

Each person and each set of circumstances is different.  What may be effective in one person's needs may not work well in another.

My neighbor, whose husband had dementia, got a "Confounding Door Lock," (without need for a key), and installed it higher up on the door.  He could never figure out why the door did not open and could not grasp the idea of the door lock.

It is available through the Alzheimer's Store . . . I am including a link as the store has some very interesting products . . .

https://www.alzstore.com/

Lorita

Before I lost Charles seven years ago he sometimes wandered.  I found a little, very inexpensive alarm that I installed on the door leading out of the bathroom, from the bedroom.  It was up high on the door and when the door was opened the alarm went off - very loud and piercing.  Two times Charles opened the door and immediately closed it when the alarm went off.  I bought those for $1.00 each at the Dollar Tree or Dollar Store.  We live in the country and have a fenced yard with several gates.  I put padlocks on all the gates and that kept him from leaving the yard if he got out of the house and I didn't know it. 

Lynne D

I just ordered a wedge doorstop with an alarm that you simply place on the floor in front of the door. I’ll let you know how it works.