Just feeling alone

M1

My son called me yesterday in a depressive crisis of sorts-trying to do grad school during Covid has been tough. He’s a long way away and there’s so little I can do over the phone. But caregiving here also keeps me from being able to help him much other than talk, and not having my partner to share it with makes it doubly isolating. Feeling pulled in too many directions and just aware of the loneliness and sense of powerlessness  today. Caregiving solo just leaves no margin for other life events. And the mental health toll of Covid is so profound, from my PWD to my grad student, my kindergartner, myself.

Not to mention that I hate February, but I do.

Stuck in the middle

I know how you feel.  The only good thing about February is January is over.

I think you helped your son more than you know by giving him someone to talk to.  My son calls from the group home in which he lives, and I talk him down from whatever problem he is experiencing.  It helps just to know someone cares.

The ice is melting today.  It will get better.  Let's read our seed catalogs and try to be happy.

ButterflyWings

(((M1)))- you are speaking for both of us today.  

I am sorry you are feeling so isolated and helpless or powerless right now (at least that's how all this feels to me right now). So ironic to say we are absolutely not alone in these experiences and feelings...yet I know exactly what you mean. 

It is like being in one's own little bubble with sole responsibility for just so many heavy weights somehow...doing so much, yet feeling like it is nowhere near enough. I am trying not to be stuck on sad or anxious, but it is really wearing lately.

I've been resisting posting sometimes lately when I do get a few precious minutes to spare -- mainly because I haven't had many encouraging words to share. But I hope you feel better really soon. You are an awesome caregiver, a truly valued and valuable voice on these boards, (thank you for this!!!) And what you have shared periodically about your role as mom and grandmom sounds like you are a blessing in those roles also. 

All I can suggest today is, "Tie a knot and hold on". I'm right there with you.

- Stuck: I need to order some seed catalogs I guess?!

abc123

Hello my friend! I must agree. Things have been very sucky today. I hope you and the grad student find a reason to smile.

M1

I talked to him again just a few minutes ago.  He's going to leave the program, which is FINE with me--the academic cutthroat stuff is just not for him.  The question is what's next, how to get there, how to deal with the depression too--he's taking the right steps.  And yes, I'm glad he's reaching out, at least--would be worse if he didn't.  

I got out and cleared some winter weeds.  My garden is 1500 sq ft which is too big, but hey.  If I do a little every day, I'll have it ready by time to put the potatoes on on Saint Patrick's day, I hope.

Thank you guys, as always, for the support and the kind words.  This is so hard sometimes.

Ed1937

M1, I'm so sorry you feel like there are so many things pulling you in different directions. Lord knows one direction with this stuff is more than enough. Hopefully things will get better soon.

Buggsroo

M1, I honestly feel that Valentine’s Day is purposely scheduled in February just to get people through this month, it’s grey, depressing, damp and cold. 

I understand about your son, academia and the sniping is not for the faint of heart or anyone who is thoughtful and sensitive as your son. I started my masters in university and ran afoul of some of the faculty. At first I was outraged then I realized that it was like any other organization with its different personalities. I realized I had to just leave and do all the reading on my own. 

I hope your son finds peace in his decision and I do understand it must be hard not to be able to talk to your partner about this. Hang in there, there’s a reason February is the shortest month.

Joydean

Ml so sorry today was so rough. Life is truly very lonely when Alzheimer’s is such a big part of it. You did help your son because you are there for him. You are so very important to your family and to the members here. 

And what’s so bad about February? All the holidays this month, Presidents’ Day, Valentine’s Day, and Groundhog Day. That last one is my birthday. I told my husband on the 2nd (knowing he didn’t remember) I said honey today is my birthday, he was so sweet and said, “another day and a number!”  Happy birthday to me. 

Glad you got to work in your garden, that always makes a day better. Hope tomorrow is a better day. God bless you and your family. 

Daughter of a Marine

My birthday was on the 4th and it was the first time in our 53 years of marriage that he had no clue.  I thought I was prepared but it just reinforced that the past is just that - who we were then with no connection to the here and now.  Who we are today is very different.  God bless you all!

LizG55

Daughter of a Marine wrote:

My birthday was on the 4th and it was the first time in our 53 years of marriage that he had no clue.  I thought I was prepared but it just reinforced that the past is just that - who we were then with no connection to the here and now.  Who we are today is very different.  God bless you all!

I'm sorry I know how this hurts... my husband has not been able to comprehend the holidays, or special occasions for a couple of years actually.  Now they are just nothing days. I try to forget myself, because what's the point? I understand the loss of a long partnership for me it's 44 years but I'm so busy I don't care anymore. I think the loneliness though is so hard to take.

LizG55

M1 wrote:

I got out and cleared some winter weeds.  My garden is 1500 sq ft which is too big, but hey.  If I do a little every day, I'll have it ready by time to put the potatoes on on Saint Patrick's day, I hope.

Thank you guys, as always, for the support and the kind words.  This is so hard sometimes.

Hi M1..

I'm glad he's reaching out too.. good for both of you. Always things to do, so maybe some garden work will help you spiritually being outside and getting some fresh air.  Yes, it's a lonely life but what can you.  When I have time to think about it, also gets to me of course.

DrinaJGB

It's the feeling of lonliness that gets you. And isolation--especially since covid. It's like you have lost that protective layer a couple has when all is fine before dementia took hold. That skin has been ripped away.That person who knew you better than anyone and loved you regardless of all your flaws is gone. There is nobody now who understands what you are feeling and what you going through or what you have lost. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me hanging on is my dogs, nature and listening to music.

toolbeltexpert

M1 sorry you are so isolated, I don't know where you are but I live in Tennessee  and the days are getting longer and March is right around the corner. I too am the only caregiver, I hope I will be able to do the chores as leaving my dw for too long creates all kinds of situations it's new every time. I like your posts and again I am sorry your going thru a hard season. This forum and everyone has been a great help. I just ordered 3 defender locks, I got the credit for my dw froze with the big three. I still have lots to do, but it's good that there is always someone who has gone ahead of me and has the experience. Be blessed and I have you in my prayers.

Fairyland

I’m caring for my mom not spouse but that has meant nearly a year of being with her and all the admin and stress, 24/7, thousands of miles away from my own home, with a full time job shifted abruptly online, while my poor kids cope alone with finishing high school and starting college, and the other one in a tough mid-vet school degree, my DH is left alone to refurb a new house (not his forte, we couldn’t find a better one) with a new job himself,  and he must look after my poor 13 year old dog, bewildered and neglected.  

I’m an academic but would never recommend it, it’s really not worth doing if it makes one miserable. Also it attracts some odd bods for sure (I might be one!).

Anyway I just came to sympathise. The pandemic has put a tin lid on it all, what little we could do in the bitter cold to break up the monotony has been made dangerous with all the morons in our area, so a huge CoVID surge only just starting to subside, and I don’t want any more hospital visits for mom,  thank you very much! She already had a stroke in Nov and miserable days in hospital.

Well the cardinals are singing so spring must be somewhere on the horizon, and I have ordered more birdseed to be delivered.

Paris20

What I miss most are the lively conversations my husband and I always had. We’ve known each other for almost 60 years. We met as teenagers and have been married for 56 years. We shared our life histories, our triumphs and our sorrows. We talked politics all the time. Now my husband watches the news, talks nonsense, and immediately forgets everything he has seen or heard. That means he insists on watching the news all day because, in his words, “I haven’t seen any news all day.”

I understand the guilt of being unable to help others in the family. My 99 year old mother had a stroke last month. I cannot travel with my husband and he will not leave my side. My brother and my daughters are filling in for me but I feel awful not being able to do any more than ordering the supplies for her and seeing her on FaceTime. If I could only cut myself in half.