Do not buy in to blackmail

RobertsBrown

Today was a reminder of something that comes up quite a bit.

It was a nice day outside, and after I got my gal fed, bathroom break, snacks, water, etc., I told her I was going to do some farm work in the yard. The immediate response, was: "Well, I'm not staying here.  I don't live here.  I'm going home".

This used to work on me.  Many days have been spent doing nothing for fear of her trying to drive away, walk away, or do some other dangerous thing. As she has lost the ability to do stuff, the threats became more obviously empty threats, and my frustration led me to call her bluff.  I should have done this a VERY long time ago.  As expected, the treat was just a reaction to my saying something she saw as a negative.  I don't even know if I would give credit that she had a strong opinion, but her reaction was automatic, and IT WORKED ON ME, so she kept doing. it.  This sort of conflicts with my belief that she can't learn anything new.  Maybe she can after all.

At any rate, I did a modest amount of outside stuff, kept my time short, and everything was just fine.

I know you have all had the blackmail thing happen to you.  Seems like a consistent trait. I would be interested to know how you handled it, and what happened.

Buggsroo

I am learning to use the phrase: “be my guest”. That seems to stop him in his tracks. I believe I am developing buffalo hide skin to his threats, insults etc. he will look over to see my reaction. He was the youngest of four and had three older sisters who mothered him big time. I just smile and change the subject. Glad you have found a coping mechanism.

LadyTexan

My DH pulled that on me again this weekend. I don't even remember what set him off. He stated he didn't want to be around me and he didn't want to live here anymore and he was leaving. I asked him where he was going to live. That threw him off. He replied that he would live with his aunt. I told him that was fine, but that he should call her tomorrow and talk to her about it.

I think he was quite surprised that I wasn't objecting.

Later, when all was calmer and I told him goodnight and that I loved him, I told him he could go if he wanted, but I Wish he would stay.

He hasn't mentioned it since.

Stuck in the middle

I guess I was fortunate to have a self-appointed fiancé in kindergarten.  She tried to control me by threatening to wear a black dress to our wedding, and I truly did not care.  "That's fine" has worked for me ever since.

Crushed

Speaking for my self I don't like the term "blackmail"  ever used about a dementia patient.  They live in an alternate reality

Stuck in the middle

Some haven't lost the desire to be manipulative, though.  My wife still tried as recently as two years ago, although she doesn't do it anymore.

When you know one PWD, you know one PWD.

RobertsBrown

I  think Crushed has a valid point.

"Blackmail" is a clumsy term here.

It's hard to be concise when describing life with a person with brain damage, and a lot of what I say, or write, should be considered more art then science.  An attempt to capture emotions and impressions.

One lab rat trying to describe another lab rat

Crushed

Stuck in the middle wrote:

Some haven't lost the desire to be manipulative, though.  My wife still tried as recently as two years ago, although she doesn't do it anymore.

When you know one PWD, you know one PWD.

Everyone is manipulative
 Teachers   are manipulative   That is what grades are for.
 
Parents are manipulative

 Bosses are manipulative
CATS ARE MANIPULATIVE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q

 
Getting anyone to do something the other person does not want to do is manipulation
Blackmail is a CRIME that requires an evil intent.  

Just one mans opinion
 
 
  

David J

Whatever you call it, my wife did it. For a while, she would tell me she was scared, so I stayed with her in the house. When I caught on to that, she tried the “I’m leaving” routine. I let her walk out the door and she’d be back 30 seconds later.

Crushed

David J wrote:

Whatever you call it, my wife did it. For a while, she would tell me she was scared, so I stayed with her in the house. When I caught on to that, she tried the “I’m leaving” routine. I let her walk out the door and she’d be back 30 seconds later.

I have grandchildren who do both.  

Most Surprising Myths  The person with dementia is intentionally acting stubborn, lacking in initiative or being needy. It is very difficult but important to understand why a diagnosed person no longer knows how to do something. Understanding this aspect of the disease makes it easier to conjure up a sympathetic response with a loved one.

 https://www.lidementia.org/myths-about-dementia/
 

 

 

Iris L.

My two closest friends, whom I thought of as sisters, dropped me like a hot potato when I began to talk about having memory problems and trouble functioning.  I was told that "everyone has senior moments" and I was "talking too much about myself."  My husband emotionally abandoned me because he thought I was playing games with him when I didn't remember what we had talked about.  We subsequently divorced due in part to my memory issues.  My former friends and my husband probably had these same thoughts about me.  I highly resent words like blackmail and manipulative being used to describe me with this devastating ailment that I have.  Nevertheless I believe I am better off without such hurtful people in my life.

Iris 

Rescue mom

I think this is mostly a semantic, largely unanswerable argument, & and as an ENTP I’m guilty of arguing things like this for fun But blackmail, to me, implies intent and knowledge of what they’re doing., and my DH at least, does not have that.

My DH  has definitely been manipulative and threatening to do something—leave, not eat, make a mess, whatever—and I found that, for him, what others have said works great. I just say fine, go ahead. Or sometimes, OK, maybe tomorrow? “Be my guest” is a new good one.

As long as I don’t engage or argue, he stops the “misbehavior.” Our pets and grandkids have done much the same thing. In better days DH laughed about how the dogs manipulated me.

Stuck in the middle

Iris, I agree with you.  I would not describe memory loss and difficulty with executive function as manipulation or as blackmail.