Throwing in the Towel

MarLee92

Hi everyone.  I've been on here before, discussing my MIL with Alz and her children's inability to make any type of decision about her.  They're still letting her drive and she's way into mid-stage.  I have had that conversation with some of you on here about that and luckily, my SIL vehicle stopped working and she is using MIL car.  But now this is the worse, since her August diagnosis.  My DH went down to his mom's house when she wasn't home to check things out and found, among other things, 1) a dish and fork in her washing machine 2) used paper plates  and glasses, some clean, some not, in her oven and 3) found heavy dust in her shower which verified what I thought,  that she wasn't showering as she normally did. As far as the oven, the only good thing about that is she hasn't used the oven for a very long time. I needed to schedule her routine appointment with her neurologist and suddenly the children are saying they don't know if these appointments are needed or even very helpful.  I can't say anything to my husband without him saying he knows she has a problem and they're dealing with it...........no they're not.  I think his sibs are tired of me and I've tried to not be in their faces all the time. I have my own SIL who drives me nuts about my own mom's care.  I really feel like nothing is going to be done until something bad happens to MIL. I really don't know what else to do anymore.  Thanks for letting me vent.

SusanB-dil

Oh, my MarLee - the evidence in front of them and they are still in denial/don't want to deal...  So sorry.  One of my big fears for a PWD is driving and something happens - to them or to someone else...  (yes, another fear, a possible fire-hazard)  Do you think the neurologist would speak with them?  from what you've said, though, would that even help?    Could the neurologist flag her license? (and maybe that would get their attention)

mommyandme (m&m)

Sounds incredibly frustrating. 

Unfortunately or fortunately (depends on how a person sees it), you have no grounds to push your husband or his siblings.  Unless your husband has POA responsibilities for his mom where you and he can be held liable if she damages person or property, let it go.  

Definitely step back and relieve yourself of the burden and give yourself a break.  Of course the fear of what might happen can be consuming but there’s nothing you can do.  

Serenity prayer may be in order:  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference

Sorry you find yourself in this mess. 

MarLee92

I say the Serenity Prayer every day, and it does help. I did reach out to MIL neurologist and she got back with me quickly.  She is going to refer MIL to a geriatric specialist who works with a social worker.  She feels his office may be better able to work with the family.  She's also going to set up some labs for MIL, for various blood work and urinalysis.  She did say she didn't know what else she could do as a neurologist and I appreciate her honesty.  For now, after I relay this information to my husband, I'm going to step back and see what happens.  Hopefully the sibs will be receptive to a different doctor.  Thanks for your input.

jfkoc

Sounds like several steps in the right direction. 

If you are still willing to take  your MIL to an appt I would make certain one of her children goes with you. Better yet, let one of them take her.

It is time to check exactly what her DPOA says.

ImMaggieMae

I don’t blame you for being concerned. Whether or not you or your husband are financially responsible, what if she injured or killed someone with her car? What if a child ran out into the street in front of her? Would she be able to respond quickly enough? Would her family be able to forgive themselves knowing they could have prevented an accident or at least tried?

Jo C.

From your writing it appears there may be some denial or not wanting to make an unpopular decision by the family members.   It may be helpful to remind the family that she no longer has the ability to format a very abrupt action either mentally or physically to avoid a collision should unforeseen danger suddenly appear. She would not be able to react that fast . . .  AND then to remind them how fast people are to sue other drivers no matter who was at fault.

When a lawsuit is brought, often one of the first things done is for an attorney to get a copy of the driver's medical record.  What they would see . . . DEMENTIA and other words to the changes she is having.  That gives power to the person who may be suing her.

She could stand to lose everything in a settlement plus having to spend a considerable sum for an attorney . . .  and . . . . since the family was aware of her dementia and her changes and did nothing, the family could be at risk for not taking action to keep her from behind the wheel and be included in the suit.  To curtail her driving at this point would be important to avoid the dreadful outcomes of physical harm from an accident as well as protecting one's assets no matter how big or small such assets are.

As for what your husband found in the washer and oven when he was at his mother's house; it would be good to get cell phone pictures of such things especially because of the danger.  Having photos not just words can be helpful in having other people open their eyes to the reality.
 

When MIL goes in for her specialist appointments and even primary MD appts.; it is important for the physician to have full information to be able to perform an adequate medical assessment.  She should not go to such appts. alone, and someone who knows the full extent of her issues should be with her.  HOWEVER:   One cannot really talk openly in front of a LO who has dementia without causing all sorts of problems. What I always did was to write a detailed but succinct memo to the doctor outlining all changes in behaviors, cognition and function as well as including other issues.  Explaining the papergoods in the oven, etc., would be appropriate.  In that memo, one could explain the concern re driving an the inability to process matters suffciently to be safe on the road any longer and ask the doctor if he/she could order, "no more driving."  That would take care of that.  I would ask for it to be written on a prescription blank or other such identifying paper so MIL can see it every time she begins to badger about driving.

That memo is best sent to the doctor two or three working day prior to the appt.,  I used to fax them, but do put on the memo it is time sensitive to an appointment on such and such a day and please get it to the doctor asap.  I also called the office and let them know it was coming and called a few hours later to ensure it had arrived and had been given to the doctor.  I always carried a copy in my hand bag to the appt.,  I would excuse myself from my LO saying I needed to use the bathroom; then I would get to the office nurse or other staff and ask them to check with the doctor to see if he/she had received and read the memo.  When checking, it it had been; that was good.  If not, I provided the copy from my purse so it could be read prior to the direct exam.  That approach worked very well for us.

Good luck, if all else fails the only thing left to do is wait for the other shoe to drop, and it certainly will.

J.

MarLee92

I just wanted to tell you I did send a message to MIL Primary doctor and I am so glad!  She addressed to my husband after MIL appt for the need to stop the driving (wrote out a 'prescription' that medically she couldn't drive).  Gave him some good advice about constantly trying to get her to do something and to ask himself if it's going to really matter?  if it isn't, he should try to worry more about her mood then memory.  She told him it would be sooner (then later) for her to need daily care, and he really needed to hear that from someone other then me. 

Her neurologist has referred her to a geriatric specialist.  Primary provider told my husband she didn't know if MIL needed that.  I'm hoping that DH will at least read the information from the specialist before they decide.  It is so frustrating because I feel they are against the geriatric doctor because he is 15 minutes further from home then her primary - ugggggggghhh.

Thanks again for your help!!!

May flowers

Ugh, I am sorry you are going through this. Hopefully, it will get better. My DH and his siblings were very slow getting on board with what dementia meant and the kind of care my FIL needed until he was well into stage 5. I was reading and learning all I could and trying to get him the help he needed. Then everything was reactive instead of proactive as it could have been. Now, a few years later, everyone is on the same page. My BIL, bless him, just recommended the 36 hour day to me, I had recommended it to him 2 years ago, lol. His heart is in the right place. 

One thing we did agree on was a driving test at the neurologist office. She explained to him very clearly that based on his test, he could not make decisions fast enough, and his eyesight was bad enough, he could wreck or kill someone. I expected a battle, but he handed over the keys that day, albeit reluctantly.

I hope your in-laws get onboard soon.