Seeking guidance for helping my parents

nhcurealz

Helpo. So my dad is my mother's (has Alzheimers) primary care giver and has not been taking the best care of her.  I know he's exhausted and depressed and is in very bad health.  He recently had a fall and broke his ankle and is in rehab.  One of my younger brothers is looking after my mom briefly when he's not at work but shes in the house by herself for most of the day (even before the injury).  My mother needs to be in an assisted living facility but I don't think they have the money given how much they get from social security and medicare.  They had equity in their house but I think my father has already pulled it out and spent it.  He's very shady about his finances and it's almost impossible to get him to be honest about his entire situation so we can figure out a short term and long term plan for them.  With this recent injury I drove up from where I live (2 hours away) to clean the house and fix up things and the house is an absolute mess.  My father is urinating in trash cans and their was rat feces and trash everywhere.  The stove still has the knobs on it where my mother could potentially burn the house down.  I'm really at my wits end on how to deal with this situation.  We have a large family bit only me and one other sibling really care about getting involved at all.  I'm trying to get him down to an assisted living facility near where I live so I can try and be around them more and help out as much as possible.  My father doesn't want to sell their house though (I think because there is no equity left) and one of my other brothers lives there who also has some issues he's dealing with.  All In all it's just a horrible situation and I'm really not sure what to do to get them in a better place.  Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.

SusanB-dil

Hi NH - welcome to 'here'...

So your dad has issues other than the finance aspect. Do you think maybe it might help if the two of you who do care sit down with your dad?  not to be confrontational, but to maybe get a better fix on the situation over-all (and his frame and state-of-mind).  To confront would probably only put him on the defensive.  Who has POA over your mom and him?  You may have to consult with a lawyer to see where you could legally go from here.  If there is no paperwork for either, and dad is adamant, if the situation gets much worse, I don't know if social services would end up stepping in (especially considering the rat problem). 

When he was having his ankle checked, was anything further evaluated?  Does he have a regular doctor?

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Tagimit

Sorry to hear that you're left to deal with all this. We have similar situations. I also had a brother living with my father for many years after my mother died. He did absolutely nothing for our father and left the house destroyed. Had to eventually evict him (although he never paid rent), his wife and 3 young children (all born there). Felt really bad but ultimately it was the push he needed and the only way to get help for dad. Anyway with my dad after a couple of hospital stays a hospital social worker helped me qualify him for medicaid. I am still new to all this but having an additional insurance is helping pay for his care. Maybe someone else on here can add to the benefits or disadvantages to applying for additional help.

Side note: with the pandemic all the near by facilities are on some type of lock down. I live in southern california and not too many facilities are taking new patients and if they do have the space they don't allow you to tour the facility, you're required to test before each visit (outside only visits) and all visits have to be scheduled in advance. I don't like any of this but its something I'm hoping will pass very soon. Not a good time to be in need of a nursing facility. Good luck to you.