How to Respond?(1)

JennB33

Technically, my mom could still do many things around the house - but doesn't - because she doesn't think of it/remember or doesn't have a concept of time - she always says she will do it later, but later never comes - so I've just started doing most everything.

I have no problem doing all of the tasks (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, getting groceries, filling meds, etc), but she follows me around and constantly says "Now what am I not doing right?" Or "This is terrible (referring to her memory and not being able to do things), have I seen some/been to the Doctor about this? How long have I been like this?"  

Sometimes I can brush it off/joke about it (referring to the first comment)....other times I get incredibly frustrated and snap  back (knowing full well it's not right!) Then, I know I'm "not supposed to" flat out say that "it's because you have Alzheimer's" and there's really no point because she'll forget one minute later...but what else should I say??

I just don't know how to respond to these comments - over and over, like 3 or 4 times within an hour, day after day!?!

Any ideas/new approaches would be appreciated!!

M1

Hi Jenn.  I know from personal experience how hard it is to listen to the repetition.  I've gotten better at it--many times now, frankly, I just don't respond.  I don't think she expects a response to a lot of it.  But it is nerve-wracking, for sure.

As for the other things you are describing, that sound like loss of executive function--she says she is going to do things, but can't.  We have that too, and again, I just have learned to let it roll off and go ahead and do what needs to be done without saying anything.  Sounds like that's what you are doing too.  But understanding the context--that she really can't execute those things even if it sounds like she still knows the steps--can help adjust your expectations.

Good luck, none of this is easy.

sandwichone123

Many of our loved ones could do thing if something were different. Last year I got so frustrated with my dh because he had always made the pumpkin pie but didn't. My dad asked me, "can he do it?" and I thought he could even though he didn't know we had the frozen pie crust I specifically told him about and showed him. Obviously he couldn't actually gather all the steps needed to do the job and it was I that had to change my expectations.

It's possible she may get some success by doing things *with* you. My LO is utterly unable to follow instructions, but can mirror something I'm doing. It sounds like she'd like to be helpful but isn't able to on her own.

Tasks may take longer with her helping, but it still may be worthwhile. Bring the laundry and put it in a few items at a time, so she can mirror you and help put things in. Many PWD enjoy folding laundry, especially rectangular things like towels and pillow cases.

Getting two cleaning cloths might work if she can mirror some cleaning. She can help get groceries if you specifically point to the object you need her to get, she just can't do those things independently.

May flowers

Those days were hard - when they realize they aren’t doing things right but want so hard to get it right. That was about the time I started with fiblets, things like, “you did a fine job, I’m just finishing up” or redirect, give her some small job to focus on, like folding washcloths, while you take care of the rest. Giver her a rag to “dust” with, while you take care of the real cleaning.  I would give my FIL papers to shred while I was handling other paperwork, he enjoyed that. Maybe there are little things she can do where she feels like she’s helping even if it’s really not helping.

Just a thought.

Sunshine days

What worked well for us was to redirect, distract, change the subject...also try to remind yourself in the moment that you don't have to answer every question or respond to everything she says. Instead, try to redirect her thoughts to something pleasant or funny..." Hey, mom, remember when we ___ ( fill in the blank) and reminisce about days gone by or a trip you took or family memories. My mom used to love talking about the old days growing up in her home town and remembering her grandparents, etc. Good luck and God Bless.

toolbeltexpert

Jennb33, I am right there with you my dw doesn't get anything done"not her fault " but I get almost exactly the same replies  you get. What am I doing wrong now ect.  Things gotta get done! Like you I lose it and that is never good.  I just used mayflower " I am just finishing up." I am learning alot of fiblets although  I struggle with this, but they do help things move on. And when it comes to the millionth time she repeats a question I now use standard answers. Not sure , I don't know ect. I am sorry your here but your not alone.  I am learning from the others who are father down the lonesome road.

Farm Gal

I agree with others.  I finally realized it didn't matter if I answered or not.  I just went on with my routine and if he gets upset I change the subject totally by asking him a question about something totally unrelated.

Arrowhead

With my wife I discovered that it doesn't matter how I respond to her as long as I respond with something; whatever comes into my mind at the time.

JennB33

Thanks everyone for your responses! A lot of what was mentioned here were good reminders of other things I've tried/re-inforcement that I'm on the right track (as much as that's possible)!

One thing that was especially interesting to me is that my mom possibly can not actually do some of the tasks - where I was just thinking she forgets or loses track of time. I hadn't realized that or thought of it that way so far.

That made me think of another question - why don't reminder notes work? I can understand for many things...but for example, last summer, the AC would be turned off every day when I went over to my parent's house -when it was 90 degrees outside! Eventually, I put a post it note right on the thermostat: "Do not turn the AC off" and every day, it would still be turned off and the note was still there...?!? I can sort of understand if it's a note reminding my mom to do something - that is maybe too complex or she doesn't actually want to do, but this kind of note seems pretty straightforward...??

sandwichone123

Notes can be iffy, even if the pwd still reads with comprehension. My dh reads but I'm not sure how much he understands.

Still, it's free to try! One suggestion is to avoid "not." So instead of "Do not turn the AC off" you would say "leave the AC on."  With processing problems they can read the "AC off" part and not connect it with the "do not" part.

M1

Yes Jenn there definitely comes a point in the dementia when written notes/reminders simply are not processed by the dementia brain. It seems obvious to you, but it's not to them.  My partner passed that point somewhere in mid-stage 4 (if you're not familiar with it, look up Tam Cummings' seven stages of dementia).  Calendars, notes, clocks, pretty much all written communication stopped making sense to her at that point. Good example: she loves getting her paper bank statements, but she can't make sense of them, so she continually complains that she doesn't get them any more. It's like water through a sieve.