My grandmother - thank you

cdn13 · February 2022

Hi all, I posted last week about my grandmother's rapid decline. A lot of posters here were very kind and replied saying this was likely the end and hospice should be called in. I deleted the thread because I was so distraught and didn't want to look at it. It turned out that the following day, the hospital suggested we move her to palliative care, and she passed two days later. She was taken to hospital two weeks ago Saturday after refusing to eat for several days, was fully worked up to find nothing was physically wrong other than dangerously low electrolytes which they had trouble normalizing but eventually managed to, slipped into an unresponsive state and never came back from it.

It has been a very sad experience and her decline seemed to be sudden, but in hindsight we realize now that it wasn't. She lived with my grandfather who took amazing care of her to the end, with the support of my dad and aunt. Folks here suggested that he was probably keeping a lot of how bad she was to himself, which makes me so sad to think about. I wish he had told us more but I also know he was trying to protect us (and probably a bit in denial himself). She also didn't want people to know and was quite good at hiding it and compensating for her memory issues until the last six months or so. Like he would take her to the doctor to bring up the problems she was having and she would deny it all and be able to pull it together enough to seem okay. They had just started getting the homecare agency in and had just referred her to a geriatric clinic because she was having delusions and hallucinations in the last few months.

Looking back we realize she started to change about five years ago - she stopped doing activities she always loved like reading and crafts, stopped calling as often. We do not have a history of dementia in our family so we didn't know what to look out for in the mild stages. I wish more was done to educate people that it's not always obvious memory loss, that apathy, withdrawal and depression in the elderly are common symptoms too.

I spoke with our family doctor and he gave me some good perspective. She was able to live at home with her husband till one week prior to her death when she went to hospital. Her quality of life was very good until the last few months. She was able to see and talk to us whenever she wanted and didn't have to be alone and scared during COVID. If she had recovered, it would have been straight to whichever long-term care home was available first by herself. She went on her terms and her suffering with the really awful symptoms of dementia was mercifully short. She also made it to almost 91 and only developed noticeable dementia in the last five years or so, which I know from my reading makes us very fortunate compared to the many people who get Alzheimers in their 60s/70s and live in decline for decades. We never got a definitive diagnosis as she had just started the assessment process, but I personally think from research that she had vascular dementia since she had Type 2 Diabetes for many years and her decline seemed to go in steps and plateaus. Never had a stroke though, which I guess was also fortunate.

It's still not easy, and I wish so much that I had spent more time with her and asked her everything about her early life. I wish I had recorded her voice. We have a lot of home video from my childhood, thankfully, but not from recent years. I remember sitting with her in December and thinking, "this isn't my Grammy. She's not really here" and feeling sad, but now I wish I had just loved her for who she was at the time rather than focusing on what she'd lost through dementia. I didn't go to visit her three weeks ago when my sister did because I was scared she'd be out of it (she'd been hallucinating, asking to go home and forgetting people a lot), and I'm going to regret that forever. I am so angry that COVID robbed us of being around her as much as we usually were for her last two years, and that the social isolation probably sped up her decline.

I keep worrying that they missed something at the hospital, or gave her a drug that she had a bad reaction to, or things would have turned out differently if she'd accepted help when it was in a mild stage, or something could have been done that nobody thought of (she'd had a mild UTI in January but never got better after the treatment, which I was hopeful she would; she fell in December and dad took her to the ER but she decided to go home after waiting many hours and feeling okay). I know that's probably not the case and it was just her time, at her age she could have just not woken up one day even if she didn't have dementia and it would have been normal. I miss her so much. And I feel so horrible for my grandfather and dad who obviously miss her even more than I do, and had to see her in a very bad state over the last few months.

Anyway, I just wanted to come back here and thank people for their kind responses. It might have been harder and even more shocking for us if we hadn't had those responses from people who knew this was the end. I am going to be thinking about the loved ones of people with dementia for the rest of my life, knowing that many of you have much worse and much longer experiences than my family did. Please look after yourselves and thank you.

sandwichone123 · February 2022

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Whether it's slow or sudden, it's shocking. It sounds like, despite her limitations she was able to live 'til she died, which is what I think we all want.

Joydean · February 2022

CDN, I’m so very sorry for your loss of your Granny.you can’t blame yourself, just hold on to all your wonderful memories of her, she sounds like a very blessed and wonderful lady. Spend time with your grandpa and your dad, they will need you and you need them. Ask your grandpa about your Granny and he will tell you and that will be good for him. I pray for peace for you and your family. I’m so glad she didn’t suffer a long time. Take care of yourself.

Thank you for coming back and sharing with us. God bless you.

SusanB-dil · February 2022

Hi cdn - so sorry for your loss. I know this sounds 'cliche', but after a while, you will remember more of the grandmother you knew best, and even smile at some of the thoughts.

For now - it is a shock and hurtful. It sounds like your family is able to support each other through the grief process, probably more especially needed by your grandfather. Just take your time and be gentle with yourself and each other.

yes - thank you for posting.