Driving Advice

Jesslf0819

Hi, I joined this group to see if I can get some ideas and other view points on helping my mom care for my dad who has Alzheimers. He is now at the point where his memory is on a 3-5 minute short term loop. In addition to this, my mom was just diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and is seeking serious treatment.

What I am looking for is advice on handling the car situation. My dad used to be a race car driver, his identity is driving and the power behind the wheel. He has been driving past the point he should be. We just got to a point where we were able to take his car out of the driveway so we don''t risk him driving. However, he is driving my mom crazy asking about it. Where is it, when is it getting fixed, where is it, where are the keys? In your experiences, is it better to have the car there to ease his nerves or is it best to keep ''out of site, out of mind" and hope he forgets about it sooner that later. Any advice on what my mom''s responses should be? My siblings all agree keep the truck away, but my mom doesn''t and she is the one who has to live with him and that decision & FIGHT CANCER. Any suggestions

M1

Welcome Jess, and I am so sorry for what you are facing.  Re the driving:  my advice would be out of sight, out of mind, but there will be many different opinions on this.

My bigger concern would be about what plans you are making for your dad's care while your mom undergoes chemotherapy/surgery/whatever is planned.  Ovarian cancer is a bad actor, as you know, and I can't imagine that she will be able to continue to be the primary caregiver for your dad while she goes through this.  The experience of most families is that when the caregiver dies/becomes ill, the rest of the family is shocked by how much that caregiver was propping up the loved one with dementia.  He is about to lose his scaffolding, and my suspicion would be that they are going to need full-time help, if in fact they can both continue to live in the same home.  I know that's not what you asked, but it's something that comes up not infrequently on these boards.

Good luck to all of you and again, I am so sorry you all are facing this.  Hopefully this forum can be of support.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m no expert and I got lucky that the police took my moms driving privileges away. 

My first thoughts were these:

Your mom’s being driven crazy as you say, not good.  Her mind being at ease is also important. What if the vehicle was brought back and his key had an extra notch chunked out of it so it couldn’t start the car.  Of course, all the other keys would have to be removed. Also if he’s cognitive enough to get the help of a locksmith, my idea wouldn’t work.  And if it’s keyless, well never mind. 

Sorry for these struggles  I hope your mom can find the energy to fight her terrible battle too. 

Jesslf0819

Question, does she remember the Police took it away?

My mom worked for the Police for 30 years, so that's an easy ask, but that doesn't stop him from asking or bothering her about it....

toolbeltexpert

Jess so sorry this is so much for anyone to carry, I am glad your here to find answers. My dw hasn't  driven in a year or so, my fear was realized last year when she drove by me while I was working g in the garage. She now has blank keys. If it's is possible to keep the car or truck out for repair that's the best, he can't  get in a wreck that way, this doesn't help your mom, but a using a constant answer,  such as it's  still being repaired, " there waiting on the part, not available cause of covid?" As we called them fiblets. Learning how to move to another topic is very helpful  mabye one of his favorite memories that doesn't involve driving. Usually it's a story they can tell and will many times, those are the best ones to use. Don't know if  this is any help. I know this is hard even when you've tried everything, it is usually  a trial and error thing to find what works best for your mom. It sure sounds like they are gonna need all hands on deck.

harshedbuzz

Jesslf0819 wrote:

Hi, I joined this group to see if I can get some ideas and other view points on helping my mom care for my dad who has Alzheimers. He is now at the point where his memory is on a 3-5 minute short term loop. In addition to this, my mom was just diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and is seeking serious treatment. 

I'm so sorry. That's a lot the plates of your mom, your siblings and yourself.

What I am looking for is advice on handling the car situation. My dad used to be a race car driver, his identity is driving and the power behind the wheel.

My dad didn't race cars, but he was a complete petrol-head who loved driving and cars more than anything. We were fortunate that his neurologist forbade driving (which he kind of remembered at times) but we still heard about the unfairness of it all constantly. Such is the nature of dementia. Fortunately, because the neurologist stopped him, we were able to be his allies and validate the unfairness of it all. Rinse and repeat. 

He has been driving past the point he should be.

I would run this buy his insurance agent. My dad's policy would not cover him in an accident driving AMA. Some policies will not cover a person with a dementia diagnosis in their medical record. In addition to the guilt you'll feel if dad harms or kills someone or gets lost and isn't found in time, he may be risking everything he and your mom worked for all their lives if he is sued.

We just got to a point where we were able to take his car out of the driveway so we don''t risk him driving.

Removing a visual trigger (the cars) is generally a great idea. It can be complicated if your mom still drives and needs a vehicle. This was my situation. Mom kept the keys hidden or on her person and we got rid of the car he considered his keeping my mom's less desirable minivan which was easier to transport him in as his disease progressed. 

However, he is driving my mom crazy asking about it.

Welcome to my world. This may never get much better. He can't change, so this might just be something you either endure with an agreed-upon fiblet as necessary or consider placement if mom's current health leaves her without sufficient spoons to roll with this phase. The second to the last conversation I ever had with my dad- the day before he passed- was about him insisting I bring him his Ford in case he needed to go somewhere. He was in a secure facility and could barely walk by this point, so it was simple for me to promise to park it in the employee lot when I visited the next day. 

Where is it, when is it getting fixed, where is it, where are the keys?

It might be easier on everyone's nerves to create and rehearse a single fiblet that you can deliver without investing emotion into it. 

In this instance, I would tell him it's in the shop/dealership and they're waiting on a part that's delayed because of supply chain issues. The redirect with the offer of a snack.

In your experiences, is it better to have the car there to ease his nerves or is it best to keep ''out of site, out of mind" and hope he forgets about it sooner that later. Any advice on what my mom''s responses should be? My siblings all agree keep the truck away, but my mom doesn''t and she is the one who has to live with him and that decision & FIGHT CANCER.

Leaving the car where he can see it will not calm his nerves, it'll act as a visual prompt to get upset about not driving over and over. It's kinder to disappear it. Since this is her call, perhaps you can try it her way and extract a promise to hide it once her way has blown up in her face. If your mom can't be convinced to do the kinder thing, perhaps a little toughlove is in order. There were times early on when my mom insisted on making things harder for my dad and consequently for herself. I am their only surviving child and I told my mom I could not support her in some of the choices she was making and would be stepping back if she was going against the advice of dad's doctors, her psychiatrist and support group's advice. 

 Any suggestions 

You didn't ask, but do you and your sibs have a plan for taking care of dad during mom's treatment? IME, by the time a person reaches the stage where your dad is, any empathy for others is gone. Not the same thing, but I used my mom's TKR surgery as a chance to introduce professional caregivers into their day-to-day. They helped mom recover and then were able to stay with dad so she could have some respite. 

loveskitties

So sorry for so much on your mother's plate and by extension yours.

If you defer to mother's wishes about the car, make sure it comes back inoperable.  Perhaps have a tow truck deliver it so your dad sees, it doesn't work any more.  If dad knows about the news, tell him it needs a "chip" and the repair shop has ordered it but with all the delays has no idea when it will be in.

I need to add my concerns about your dad's care while your mother aggressively fights her cancer.  I dealt with my own (another version) and my sister's and know that surgery and chemo are very difficult to handle, even for the strongest person.  She will need help and her anxiety about your dad will not help her to concentrate on her own health issue.  My sister needed transport to/from chemo and support person during infusion.  After effects left her physically drained for days.  I had major surgery for mine and needed in-home care for 6 weeks after, just for help with meals and meds.  As with everything in this world, everyone and their experiences are different...she may sail thru.

Wishing all of your family the best possible outcome for these issues.

May flowers

Wow, you have the same double-whammy we had - my in-laws moved near us for us to help my MIL care for my FIL with dementia, but soon after the move she was dx with stage 4 cancer and also chose to fight it. Everyone’s attention went to her - we were fortunate that my FIL’s dementia “plateaued” a bit during all that. He managed to live alone for a few years after, with us constantly checking in and making it as safe as possible until it was clear he could not live alone. 

For us, the driving test and a stern warning from the neurologist to him that he could not drive and he could end up killing someone did the trick. We expected pushback, but he handed over the keys.

ButterflyWings

Hi Jess - I am SO sorry for all that you and your family are going through. I would bold and underline Harshedbuzz's every word if I could. You got some great, experienced, advice there and it will save you and your family much heartache if you apply it as is. 

Please (please!) don't go backward now that you all have made the huge accomplishment of relocating his car. The only way I'd ever have my DH's car back is on blocks with no wheels. Seriously. And even then, why? If your mom thinks he's harassing her now about driving it, imagine if it was actually right within reach! No, oh no. Don't do that to yourselves, or him. 

For us, getting control of the driving, (and ALL the keys), plus the helping mechanics and friends who helped restart it multiple times after it was mysteriously disabled (yes, sigh) -- this was all complicated by the fact that my DH has no understanding that he is impaired (anosognosia). So, he not only forgot that his doc said it was no longer safe, but he forgot that he didn't drive -- even once his car was disappeared. Y

LOL, remembering now, his initial response when the neurologist said he'd need to taper off driving soon, was he guessed he needed a new Dr!

Lastly, even after not driving for almost 3 years, DH got into the driver's seat of a relative's car left running to stay cool and listen to the radio while I ran into the pharmacy to pick up meds...I came out (literally <5 minutes) and the space where I left the car was empty.  I tell you, my heart skipped several beats before I was able to spot him sitting a few spaces over in the next row. Never did that before! But after 60 years of driving, it was not something he let go of easily. Your former race driver will likely ask every day for a long time. But imagine him racing down a street with a child or jogger or unsuspecting driver. Not his fault, but dementia doesn't care.

Please stay the course. Given your mom's need to be stress free, maybe you and your sibs should have a fiblet for them both. Can dad's car be "donated to a high school auto shop for them to train the next generation of pit crew stars"? Or to a "touring exhibit for race cars"? Or, our standby here which is "the parts are on back-order" and will be in hopefully soon? Or (this actually happened to me 2 weeks ago..."the auto shop is shut down for a couple of weeks due to COVID ("the virus" is what I tell DH). So they are backed up but it is first in line to get tuned up, spruced up, fixed, whatever.  IJS, maybe mom needs to not have to fib to him. You all can honestly say," the doc said no. And it can't come back home according to the insurance co & the licensing experts".

Sorry this is so long. It was a huge issue with my DH.  I feel for you but wow, congrats on the progress so far! Getting is out of sight is HUGE.  I will end here:

I initially thought not driving was all about him maybe forgetting his way home. Then I learned here to notice the dents, scraped hubcaps, red-light tickets, speeding, cursing, and out of character behavior of my DH behind the wheel the few times I rode with him to observe. It was a wake up call and we are just lucky no one was ever hurt. Your family may realize already that is not only about your dear dad getting lost (when, not if, he gets behind the wheel again if you all allow the car to return). It is also that his judgment, visual perception, memory of what to do when, and processing time cognitively have been hijacked. 

So, a heavy, fast-moving car becomes a lethal weapon in the hands of someone with declining mental capacity. If he were attached to guns, we on these boards give the urgent advice to remove them. Quickly, completely, and anonymously if you can. We don't say, keep the gun, just disappear the ammo and disable it. Too much can happen, especially if it is in plain view and easy access, reminding someone with dementia that its "a thing".  

Stuck in the middle

I'd keep it out of sight.  An elderly neighbor's kids disabled his car, but one of his friends fixed it for him and he was back on the road AMA.  I'll bet all your father's buddies are car guys who could make a car.