So depressed and having a hard time

LizG55

First of all, I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post. It was surely helpful. 

I have spoken to the Alz association and a consultant there. They gave me info but it's just too far away for me to access. However, when it comes to a doctor, I did contact my specialist and made an appt because if anyone medically can help me that's the one. I have to wait a while, but at least I have it. 

My husband is status quo so not significantly worse than last time. It's just time consuming and I sooooooo miss the company and being able to go out. I feel like I'm in prison with hard labor. it's like when he became bedbound, and unable to be who he was, I died too even though I am functional. I cannot get help in the house because of certain health problems I have  like allergies to scents.  The Hospice nurse is good she is very unscented but to have someone come in and help is just not possible believe me have tried, it's easier to let it go till I can get to it otherwise I suffer too much.

Nothing is easy... everything is a huge challenge. Hospice doesn't have a social worker for my team right now, Covid made major shortages of people, they do have a chaplain I talk to sometimes. I do "talk" to a online therapist, sweet as all get go, but beyond that not good at helping with coping skills,   She know my long story and is kind but I need more. So don't know about staying with her.. not sure what I will end up with if I move on.

My birds are hours of work with their medications and it's hard on my health. Since what she contracted at the vets office is contagious, her sister might have caught it despite my efforts. so that would mean I have to go an hour and as half away to the vet, get a driver I pay and so on. Also they are unhappy so  I feel terrible about that too.. so no happiness anywhere!

I have gotten to the point I hate my life so such a degree I just want to sleep or whatever I can do.  I am sitting outside right now have not eaten yet but will have something soon. I have no desire to eat.  Since I can't rehome the birds because the illness is contagious even though I love them so, I'm kind of stuck in this depressing house with lots of work.  I really miss my old friends that I could talk to, that have passed away. I do have a couple left but they are not the same and have their own stuff to deal with. 

I don't think the depression is a medication issue but situational. If all of a sudden I had none of these things going on here and could go on a vacation I'd be smiling from ear to ear, But my health doesn't even allow that. My husband was assisting before he became unable.

So maybe it's just a vent, and asking for some support  and I find my life very hard to deal with day after day after day. 

Ed1937

Liz, I'm sorry it's so darn hard for you. I'm going to go out on a limb, and suggest that it might be time to consider euthanizing the bird(s). I know it's very hard for you to do, but you sound desperate to kind of take more control of your life. The absolutely most important thing right now is you! I'm sorry if this post upsets you, but it is meant to help.

jfkoc

Situational depression is very real and can be treated with drugs. Please do ask your Dr about this.

LizG55

Ed1937 wrote:

Liz, I'm sorry it's so darn hard for you. I'm going to go out on a limb, and suggest that it might be time to consider euthanizing the bird(s). .

Hi Ed,

 It's  very hard bacteria to kill but I have to give her a chance. She got somewhat better since the medication.  If she gets to a point that I see the med has just taken her so far and she's suffering, I would yes. I've heard it can take up to 6 months or longer to try and get rid of it, I think the survival rate is 40%.. but she is responsive so far, so there I have to see how it goes. The other one the vets office I used to go to damaged her too so she's a special needs bird but a good quality of life as long as she is taken care of well, watching meds, etc.  with suffering I have no problem doing the right thing there.  I can' put them to sleep because it's too much work for me  and heartache too while trying the hopefully recovery process.

I guess the issue for me  is, how to make peace with the situation, I'm in and just go about the business of living such as it is. You know.. like the serenity prayer?  Try to rest and so on,

LizG55

jfkoc wrote:

Situational depression is very real and can be treated with drugs. Please do ask your Dr about this.

Hi jf,

Oh yes it sure is real. The specialist that deal with my while body issue and knows my case for over 15 years is the only one I would trust with helping me with that.. so it will come up in conversation at the time.

Jo C.

Liz, do let your doctor know about your depression; this is a difficult place to find oneself, but there is help to be had.  The situation has become overwhelming, perhaps changing a bit the way your husband gets care would be helpful.  There are a couple of options.

I too was going to suggest that something has to go to get relief, and I too thought it may be time to give up the aviary and birds;  but from what you have written, I now understand you have a love for your birds, (how many do you have?) that many others feel for their beloved dogs or cats.  I get it.

It has been two years since you began coming online here and your Profile indicates at that time, two years ago, that your husband was quite disabled in multiple ways.  I am going to ask; how much more severe has his dementia become?

In asking that, I am wondering if he is a candidate for Hospice services which would be one option to help you.  If he is a candidate, then Medicare pays for Hospice.  They will provide an RN to be your care manager who oversees things; they will provide a bath aide to come in and bathe and groom your husband two to three times a week; they will also provide a Social Worker who can assist as well as perhaps finding other helpful services that may be able to give more assistance; they will also provide a Chaplain if you wish.  AND they will pay for any necessary medical equipment from a hospital bed, wheelchair, guerney chair, lift, etc.

One of the other services they will put into place is "Respite Care," for your husband. This care is given at a nursing home that is Medicare Certified and will place him for five days and five nights so the spouse/caregiver can regroup and get a bit of rest.   They cannot do it often, but it is a service that can be helpful from time to time.

It is, as said, an option.  One can look for names of Hospice services in one's area on the computer and then call two or three of them, ask to speak to the Supervising RN, (not the nice person who answers the phone); then you can ask about their services, their philosophy of care, how often the RN and aide would be out, and can discuss your husband's condition.   You will then know which Hospice sounds like a good fit for you.  They will come out and do a detailed intake assessment in the home, (this is required by Medicare); if he is accepted onto service, they start pretty much right away; often the same day or else by the next day.  A doctor's order is required to start Hospice, BUT the Hospice RN can call and get an order for you.  It does not require an order to have Hospice come out to do an assessment, just to get Hospice started on service and as said, Hospice can do that for you.

It seems the way to gain some sustainable relief for you is to have some changes put into place.

Another option is; I know you had been thinking about nursing home placement.  You now have the information about your state and qualifying for Long Term Care Medicaid that is in your prior Thread from here; I do not know if you have made any decision about that as yet.  To do so, application must be made and you will need to get some paperwork together for whatever your state requires of you for application processing.   In our state, I had to have birth certificate or proof of citizenship, marriage license, any discharge paperwork from the military if there had been service, and a few other things.  Gathering the paperwork was the hardest part of the process.  NOTE:  It doe not take an attorney to do the application; they will not process the application any faster and you will still have to gather the paperwork.  However, you can choose to have an Elder Law Attorney to do this for you if you prefer, but it comes with fees. If I am correct, I seem to recall that you had seen an Elder Law Attorney for other matters.

I so hope you can find a way to move forward and take steps to make things a bit easier for yourself and your own healthcare needs as that is very important.  Let your doctor help you and let us know what you decide about gaining assistance and how you are; we truly do care.

J.

LizG55

Jo- Thank you ...will write you back tomorrow as I am tired and getting ready to to sleep shortly.

LizG55

Jo C. wrote: for other matters.

I so hope you can find a way to move forward and take steps to make things a bit easier for yourself and your own healthcare needs as that is very important.  Let your doctor help you and let us know what you decide about gaining assistance and how you are; we truly do care.

J

Hi Jo...

Thank you for your detailed response. Much appreciated. I'm taking your comments in order as they are written. Yes, the doctor will know about the depression. I have two aviaries, but the one with the sick birds is separate. No one would take the birds because they contracted a contagious illness from the prior vets office. So having a very hard time as the survival rate is low but not impossible, however, it's a lot of work, physical, emotional and time consuming.  It's not at the point to put them to sleep, they just need a lot of care. Yes you are correct, it's the sane a having a cat or dog.  

My husband's dementia has really progressed in the past year. Also he has such problems with his knees that he can barely walk, so he is in bed now. I do everything for him.  He can talk simple sentences.. but doesn't remember anything.  He needs direction on everything.. from bathroom things to how to wash his hands after using the bathroom.  He cannot shower himself because he doesn't remember how so I do it.  When he can no longer walk at all then I won't be able to do it, not sure how long he will be able to get up. He wears Briefs for occasional accidents.  He cannot swallow most whole foods so has  meal replacement drinks. He's very thin and frail. I don't know what stage he's act.. let me look up something and see,.From what I saw on the Alz page it would be middle stage dementia. He is already on Hospice since December. The RN is wonderful I love her. They are very short staffed due to the Covid situation.  I am allergic to perfume, cologne and various scents so  I keep a very fragrance free home since I have to. The aids they do have all wear perfume, and it does absorb into their skin and clothes so I cannot have them over,  I called a couple of agencies One is also too short staffed, the other is wayyyy too expensive and I don't know if they can find someone, I would have to sign a contract first. So trying on my own to find and will see how that plays out.,  Like I think I said before I have a serous illness of my own and that is one way it manifests itself with intolerance of scents. . 

The Hospice social worker they borrow from another team they don't have their own, I've spoken to her a couple of time but she's very overloaded and the last couple of times couldn't keep the appts. The Chaplin, I have spoken to, also very nice and we've had some talks.  The assisted living places here also have Respite. I have spoken to a couple of them.  I have to figure out what I need to do to have more peace for myself.. there are a lot of options out there for people that don't have my scent issue but that is problem. But I am aware of these options. Yes, I have to make some changes for sure. I was the one who called Hospice not the doctor. It was the one I was on a few years ago but with proper medication, was able to get off after three months. 

I still have yet to look into the Long Term Medicaid because I have not had the time or brain to focus I don't get to my bedroom till about 1 :30 AM or around that time, I have to keep up with all the other jobs here... but it's on the list I know it's important. For now I'd like to get some help in the house that would be good and that's a project too because of my health issue.Thank you for all the info on that.... and all else Jo... will keep you posted on how thing progress...