Starting to panic

Neverends

Hello everyone. My mother is on the placement  list for the veterans  home I worked  at. They have begun admissions again but they are going slow.and it will be a while. I'm having panic attacks just thinking  about  placing her. Roles reversed as you all well know. I am her mother she is my child. It's just her and me. No help from any of my siblings. They don't even call. I really have no plan B in case I kick the bucket before her. My physical and mental health has taken a swan dive. I've been doing this for 8 years. She has been living with me for 5 years. I am backed in a corner and have no other choice but to place her. I'm 62 years old and took an early retirement  to care for her full time. She is going to be 88 yrs old and going strong. I'm just so drained  and no one gets it except the people who are in the trenches. Another life altering decision   I have been profoundly affected by all of this as I know all of you have too. I just hate this all the way around.

Stuck in the middle

Hi, Neverends.  

Placing parents is hard for most of us.  I didn't have a choice, so that made it easier, but I still didn't like it.

Since you are the parent now, maybe it would help to think of it as sending her to school.  We managed to send our children to school after they had lived with us for five years, after all.  

I have found that deep breathing exercises help a lot with panic attacks.

You can do this.

LovingAwareness

I am so sorry for the stress you are feeling and I hope a spot opens quickly for your mother. It sounds like you are a very loving daughter who has done everything you can for her, at the expense of taking care of yourself, for a long time now. I empathize with that feeling that you're at the end of what you can safely give. Please remember that your Mom would not want you to sacrifice yourself for her. You are not abandoning her by placing her, even though you fear she will feel that. She is probably stressed at some level by the current situation as well. She might feel a sense of relaxation and relief when she arrives at a place that is designed with her needs in mind and has a full team handling things rather than a staff of one - you - who can't possibly do everything, no matter how much you love her. (This was the case for our family when we moved our Dad a couple of weeks ago.) Your Mom will be okay as long as you visit her. Deep breaths - you are almost there.

Tfreedz

Yes, we get how drained you are!

 I found that leading up to placement for my mom was the absolute worst thing. The guilt, the unknown, the anxiety made me sick! The actual day she moved in, it was like a ton of bricks lifted off my chest. I pray that this opening comes as quick as possible for your mom and you. Once you get her settled in, you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. You will slowly be able to return to your role as her daughter and biggest advocate. With someone else caring for her meals,safety and entertainment you will be free to enjoy your visits with her and bring her little treats or comforts that only you who has devouted over five years to her know she will love.

This will be a wonderful thing for the both of you when it happens. Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way! You are a fabulous daughter and such a helpful presence to us all on this forum!!

SusanB-dil

Hi Neverends - we do get it.  

no, it isn't easy. my mother is placed, MIL is not. (yet)  but as i've seen on other posts... you are not doing anything to her, you are doing it for her.  and - you will be able to go back to being loving child instead of frazzled and burned-out caregiver.  You've been there for 5 years, and will continue to be there, but will be getting some help. and rest. 

pretty sure that goes for all of us that we hate it too