feeling angry at Alzheimer's

Iamrjb

Hospice says my dad is in the end stages.  I am fortunate to be part of a family that always rallies around and supports each other, and we all live in the same general area. My sisters and I all help care for our parents. We each fill the roles that we are most suited for, be that emotional, financial, or hands-on care, or a combination of all of those. My mom is loving and appreciative. We also have a wonderful caregiver who helps tremendously. 

That being said, I hate this disease. I hate watching my dad slowly die. I hate what my sisters and I have to do to take care of him. I hate what this disease is doing to him. I hate what it has taken from him and from my sisters and our mom.  I hate pushing down my own feelings to support my mom's emotional needs. I hate trying not to think about what I am doing when he needs to be cleaned and changed.  I hate crying when I leave their house. I hate being scared when the phone rings at night or when I am teaching in my classroom. I hate how painful this disease is for everyone involved. I hate how long we have already watched him decline, I hate not knowing how much longer we will all suffer through it, and I really hate knowing how it will end. I hate Alzheimer's. 

RanchersWife

We all hate it. You and your siblings honor your parents.

ButterflyWings

Ditto. Well said. I hate it with a passion. Yes, RW is so right: you and your siblings really are special. Wishing you all the best despite this rotten situation.

abc123

Dear Lam. I too hate this disease! Everything about it! I'm so sorry this terrible disease has effected your family. I must be honest with you! I am envious of the relationship you have with your sisters, how wonderful!

mommyandme (m&m)

This is all so heartbreaking! I hate it for you and all of us. 

So sorry!

bayviewgal

I hate it too!!  I am sorry you are going thru this

Iamrjb

Thank you all for the replies. It's surprising how comforting it is just knowing that other people understand.

LicketyGlitz

I don't know if it will help you, Iamrjb, but feeling much the same way throughout much the same of my mom's journey, I wrote post regarding a particular caregiver-fail day and summed up my feelings thus:

It shocks me to see her like this. What's coming terrifies me. But when I rail and shake my fist at the devastation dementia has wrought on my mother, the Devil's advocate within me replies, "Well, what would you rather?"

"Would you rather have had her die in a car crash a year or two after you were born?"

"Would you rather have had her drown on a camping trip when you were an adolescent?"

"Would you rather have had her murdered in a home invasion in your teens? Deadly breast cancer in your 20s? Boating accident in your 30s? Heart attack in your 40s?"

"Or would you rather have had her die suddenly, like your father, leaving you with such heartbreaking regrets of what was left undone and unsaid that it will haunt you for the rest of your life?"

My anger cools as I concede that I would rather have none of these. That I suspect Mom would rather have none of these. That my mother would probably not have traded her full-life at any time to avoid death by dementia.

I was surprised to realize I felt like this, and it made my journey a little easier. Maybe it will do the same for you? If you'd like to read the full post you can find it here:

Sunday, Bloody Sunday https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/sunday-bloody-sunday

I feel for 'ya.

VeeM

I feel

The same way and as this disease progresses I just find myself feeling more and more angry. I am also angry at my siblings that unfortunately unlike yours are not as helpful (they do help but not nearly as much and they do not share the responsability equally) and most of the work is left to me. I am angry that I am having to stop my life to care for my mom during this time and I am angry at how this journey is changing me and how much it has changed her. However, it has made me stronger, I have become closer to my mom than I’ve ever been, and I have the comfort of knowing that I’m there for her during this time. 

Love&Light

I hate it too, from what it has robbed of my dear Father and how profoundly it has changed me for the worse.

I am also so very angry for all of us at how little support is available for PWD and their caregivers. We have special pockets like this place, thankfully. But it is such a dreary, frustrating slog wading through all that you need to in order to best care for them, how to pay for it, and what to do when things inevitably fall apart.

The disease is devastating enough but the lack of resources to hold you through this process, there are no words for how much more difficult it makes it.