Have parents visit their old home, good idea or bad?

Steebu

Hello everyone,

We’re all in this together, been reading through these posts and everything sounds very painfully familiar.

We had to move both my parents into memory care back in November.  At the time my dad understood why and agreed.  Mom, having no short-term memory, would agree, forget, then argue.  Ever since moving in she would say, “I want to go home, why are we in this prison?”

Dad began declining rapidly and is (probably) being swayed by mom constantly saying, “Let’s go home.”  He’s now asking to move back home.

Back in November he also asked us to sell their house so we are frantically prepping, cleaning, and getting it ready for sale.  The house is completely empty now and painters are doing their thing.

Question: is it a good idea or bad idea to bring them by the empty house and show them, “Hey, living in memory care is the next step of your life … see?  There’s no ‘house’ to go to anymore.”  Would that be too traumatic for them?

SusanB-dil

Hi Steebu - welcome to 'here'...

personally, i would go with what fiblet might work for you...  "The house is being worked on and isn't ready"  or "The foundation is cracked and is being fixed"

Since the house is empty and ready for sale, and even freshly painted, I would think it would be more of a shock to them instead of a comfort, in any way.

Mom's Baby

Bad idea. Very, very bad. You're expecting them to 1) use logic and 2) remember what you've told them. They can no longer do either. All they will know is that someone took all their stuff and their children have "gone behind their backs" to sell their home and put them in nursing care. Please consider what their real reactions would be as they are NOW not as the rational, logical people they used to be.

M1

Welcome Steebu.  Agree with the other posters, I would absolutely NOT try to take them back.  It wouldn't mean anything and potentially quite hurtful:  home is an idea, a memory, a sensation.  Agree with using fiblets and deferral--being worked on, we'll see, not safe to go out because of Covid, whatever it takes.  There are a lot of threads about "wanting to go home"--if you search for old threads with that phrase, you'll probably find a lot.

Steebu

Very good points, much appreciated.

I think that’s been the biggest difficulty - adjusting my thinking to recognize that they aren’t the rational, logical people they used to be.  Dad’s the one who taught me how to be a man, and it’s so painful to see him not even remember the word for “lawn” (“what’s that big green thing outside called?”) or hear him call my mom by my brother’s name.

Point well taken - no home visit.

Thanks!

Neverends

Let it go, that would be too traumatizing for them. That part of their life is over. They could not process any of it. I'm sorry it's what's best for them. Hang in there.

abc123

Personally I would NOT do it. It would cause confusion and possibly anger. Dad could accuse you of stealing their furniture etc etc. I wouldn't discuss the house at all with either of them. When they ask to go home, tell them you'll go tomorrow because of  what ever reason they'd buy into. I'm sorry this is happening! Hang tuff!

harshedbuzz

Oh, no. That would be a terribly unkind thing to do given that there is no option for you to move them back there. You'll just upset them at a time when they have less cognitive bandwidth to understand and process their loss. 

Paris20

I agree. Don’t do it. First of all, even if the old house were recognized for a nanosecond, it would just as soon be out of their memory. They may not recognize the home as it looks now anyway and I can’t think of any good that can come from an attempt to jog memories that no longer exist.