taking things out of his name

caberr

My DH and I have a revocable trust.  My mom passed away in July and I received some money from her estate.  I spoke with our lawyer because I don't know what to do with the money.  Do I add it to our savings or keep it in my name?   She told me yes, I need to keep that in my name, and I need to take everything out of his name.  She wants me to sit with her and a financial advisor. 

I know I need to sit with the lawyer to know exactly how this works, but I am waking up at night worrying about it.   I don't want to tell DH because he will only be confused but I feel like I'm doing this behind his back.  Which I guess I am

Ed1937

You can't feel like you are doing something behind his back. You are doing it to protect whatever you can so you can live the best you can in the future. One thing I would advise is that if you feel like you might need another opinion about the legal stuff, set up a meeting with another attorney. There is nothing wrong with being safe.

PlentyQuiet

I'm in the middle of this as well. It does feel a bit like you are being sneaky doesn't it? 

However, it goes under the heading of things that must be done, and DH is not up to knowing the details. He, too, would get confused and worried by the details.

I look at it now more as a way to provide the best care possible for him long term. That means moving things out of his name so that there is less danger of financial fraud, or DH going on a spending spree. Not to mention the need to plan for care later on.

I'm sure it will get easier as this goes on and DH loses decision making abilities. 

For now just get good legal and financial advice and get things squared away. Chances are it is what your DH would have told you to do had you been able to talk rationally about it. 

M1

caberr I've gotten way past that feeling but I do know what you mean.  My partner has significantly more accumulated wealth than I do personally, but I have to manage it all now, mostly without telling her.  But it is absolutely the right thing to do.  It does help if all your bankers/financial people/attorneys have known you both as a couple over the long term.  Our investment advisor has known us both for years and gets our situation completely.   She called him recently and told him she would like to meet him--just about broke his heart, as he's known us for years and years.  Long way of saying--do the right thing and don't sweat it.  It would only cause confusion and trouble to try to include him in something that's long gone.

Rescue mom

Your lawyer, and what others have said here, is right. You need to get things under your name, to protect him and you. It’s not being sneaky—it really is in his best interests. But changing your feelings is hard, even when you know it’s right. I can’t tell you how to do that, but I can share my experience, somewhat similar to M1.

DH was showing signs before his Dx. He turned over most money matters to me early, saying he could not do it and did not want to. He had no problem with that (unfortunately).

When he was officially diagnosed, I changed other trusts and finances; most all involved knew us for years, and about his Dx, which eased matters. He did not understand things regardless, had no apparent interest.

But there was one thing I thought he needed to be involved/present for.  I was wrong. What happened was, he got very upset and agitated because he did not understand any of it, kept asking why he needed to do that/be there. I remember him screaming “I don’t care, she handles this” and “take me home.”  The process confused and upset him.

He still has no problem saying “I can’t remember” and that he cannot do some things. Trying to involve him just made it worse. Every PWD is different, but finances are so important for his own best longterm interest.

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caberr

Thanks for helping me realize I am ok doing this.  We have known the lawyer for about 2 yrs.  She knows the situation and has met DH.  We have never had a financial advisor, but the lawyer is recommending one.  I believe I will meet with both at the same time.  I do trust the lawyer.

Victoria2020...you have given me some things to think about.   I will have to ask these questions.  

Stuck in the middle

We have everything in a revocable trust (house, car, checking account, investment accounts) so that the survivor owns the trust and our son owns it when we are both gone, without probate.  The only change we had to make with dementia was to change my POA so DW no longer has the responsibility of making decisions for me if I lose capacity to manage my affairs.  If I received a windfall, I would title it to the trust as well.  (I might buy a Jaguar, but it would be owned by the trust.)

DW is fully aware of this change in POA and is fine with it.  She knows she can't manage our funds and is relieved that she will not be asked to do so.  Once a doctor asked if she could keep a checkbook and she cheerfully said, "Oh no, he took it away from me because I messed it up."

Crushed

Just to be precise a trust can split incidents of ownership between the Trustee and the Beneficiaries.  The Trustee is the legal owner of the property in the trust  but the beneficiary is the beneficial owner

ImMaggieMae

Another thing to consider in having a trust and POA for yourself and another relative or caregiver, is that you want to give someone else the financial resources to care for him if something should happen to you. You may be the beneficiary on accounts and investments, but if you died before him, he would need someone to care for him.

JudyMorrowMaloney

It feels like you are being sneaky but it really is not. I had to realize that. What was unpleasant for me was when I had to take his name off the house and someone at the town hall blabbed it all over town. Now I'm being demonized.

Crushed

JudyMorrowMaloney wrote:

It feels like you are being sneaky but it really is not. I had to realize that. What was unpleasant for me was when I had to take his name off the house and someone at the town hall blabbed it all over town. Now I'm being demonized.

Property records are public documents.   And no you were not demonized being gossiped about by the nasty trashy people in your town.   For a philosophical take on such folks 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOZPBUu7Fro