I feel like I'm falling apart.

White Crane

I think I'm going to cry.  After writing a long and detailed post, it just went "poof" and disappeared and I can't get it back.  That is the way my life has gone this last couple of weeks.  It feels like everything is going "poof" and disappearing.  DH memory is getting worse.  I have been ill...I spent last Saturday night in the ER.  The sewer line backed up into the basement. DH is bored and unhappy.  I feel like I am in prison with no chance of parole.  Our daughter has been here for the last three weeks and is leaving on Sunday.  She has been a huge support and has held me when I was falling apart over some of the things that have happened in that time.  I am having a phone interview with the Area Agency on Aging this afternoon and praying they can offer some help.  People say I am a strong person but this "strong" person feels like she is falling apart at the seems and I need help.  

Ed1937

Brenda, I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. Then to be sick on top of all that! The area agency for aging should be able to help get you straightened out again. Keep us posted. We'e here for you.

Bill_2001

White Crane, take a deep breath. I am inside this prison too.

I tell myself to mitigate the problems. I know I cannot solve them, but I can at least control the damage. Call a plumbing company and get your lateral sewer line snaked. One thing at a time. Breathe.

I hate what this disease is doing to our loved ones. Try to keep calm and carry on.

Take care of your health. I hope the ER was able to get you feeling better. Talk to your daughter and straight-out ask for help and ideas. I only wish I had a daughter. I have been doing this alone for over six years with no end in sight. We can do this.

Chin up. You are strong.

M1

Brenda I too am glad to hear from you, I was wondering how you were doing.  I'm so sorry you've been ill--when it rains it pours, everything else reverberates.  I'm so glad your daughter has been there, but I know it's hard to face her departure.  Let us know how the phone call goes this afternoon.

You ARE a strong person.  This is such hard stuff.  Please stay in touch, sending cyberhelp (if we could!!)

Lynne D

White Crane, you ARE strong. There is simply a limit to what one can handle. I found my state’s Area Agency on Aging very helpful, however it took a site visit and a meet and greet with an agency, and spending months on a wait list to get help (I live in a rural area.) you are taking the right steps and blessed to have such a helpful daughter.

Please keep us posted.

Beachfan

Dear Brenda (White Crane),

I am so sorry for what you are going through. In a few days you will have been a forum member for five years. That’s a long time and many posts. It sounds as though caregiving  is just becoming overwhelming for you. I have been in your shoes but without one iota of the issues that you have faced. Even though DH was “easy” to care for, I could feel myself crumbling under the constant weight of caregiving.  I even had two of my three adult kids within walking distance to provide support and help, a luxury that you don’t have.

I hope your call to an agency is positive and you get some good results. If no one else has, I will gently suggest that you look at placement in a memory care facility as a viable option. Even a period of respite would be helpful. I recall that one of your sons was helping you with some research, so you have a start, at least.  I had done extensive research on memory care facilities, but it was my kids who finally pushed me over the edge. They could see what I could not- -that my 24/7/365 caregiving was not going to end well. DH was placed in November. 

I hate that DH is not here with me. I hate that I couldn’t stick it out until the bitter end. I hate that he doesn’t know me, the kids, or the grandkids. I hate that he doesn’t seem to know where he is, or care.  I hate that I placed him more for my benefit than for his. He seems content wherever he is. I hope that whatever path you take, you are able to find peace. I feel 100% better about my situation; it’s only my heart that hurts. Best wishes. 

Crushed

Beachfan wrote:

Dear Brenda (White Crane),

  I hate that I placed him more for my benefit than for his.

IMHO you think this out of "guilt" BUT IT IS NOT TRUE

Late stage dementia patients need expert and round the clock care.

I could not provide the care my wife needed either

  

Paris20

White Crane, my heart goes out to you. Caregiving can become so very destructive, and with dementia there’s no feedback, no thank yous, no awards or recognition. I get it, every day, as you do. One year ago I too was in the ER so I understand that too.

Don’t give up on getting whatever help you need, piece by piece. This past fall I found a crack in my house foundation, followed by development of mold, followed by a well problem that stopped our water supply. Everything is fixed now. I jumped into each mess one at a time, telling myself I’d get through it. I did. My husband started having meltdowns and was becoming violent. He’s now on Seroquel. My dog was diagnosed with cancer. She’s holding on. My soon-to-be 100 year old mother had a stroke last month.

I’m not providing this laundry list of woes to elicit a pity party. Rather, I’m trying to show that suffering and soldiering through these experiences, I learned something. When we take all these horrors together they are overwhelming. Do what you can or must do, then go on to the next. Solving one problem can lead to a little hope that you can handle the next challenge. 

Beachfan

Crushed wrote:

Beachfan wrote:

Dear Brenda (White Crane),

  I hate that I placed him more for my benefit than for his.

IMHO you think this out of "guilt" BUT IT IS NOT TRUE

Late stage dementia patients need expert and round the clock care.

I could not provide the care my wife needed either

  

Thanks, Crushed- -  I needed that encouragement. I think the guilt comes in because I believe I (physically and emotionally) could have cared for him longer at home,  but I just didn’t want to anymore.  I feel guilty when I read of some of the trials and tribulations that our members experience, and I am free of that. I realize now how much time and effort went into taking care of him and I love the freedom and peace that envelop me now. Maybe it’s somewhat akin to survivors guilt, in an offbeat way.

M1

Beachfan I think survivor's guilt is a good analogy.  But unneeded.  I'd bet my bottom dollar that your husband, in his right mind and better days, cared tremendously about your welfare and would not ever have wanted you to be burdened as you were.  It's to both of your credit that you were able to plan and save and you can be happy that you were fortunate to be able to afford to place him.  Would that everyone had that same ability and access; we all know that our systems need such improvement, and when we have time/energy, what we can for advocacy is important.  But it is NOT individual guilt on you at all, at all.  I know you know that...

Battlebuddy

   Oh White Crane,

   So sorry to hear that you have been struggling. So many issues piling up. I would have been undone by the poop in the basement alone. I’m sorry to hear about the trip to the ER too. I don’t know the issue but it does sound like you are flying low. 

  I pray and hope things get better. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Just know we are here with Virtual hugs. Come and vent . We are here for you! 

Joydean

White crane, this disease wants to take everything away from us. It will suck every last little bit of strength we have if we let it. Some days I just want to throw in the towel. But we have to keep fighting for our loved ones. 

I hope and pray help will come through for you! I hope tomorrow is a better day!  There’s nothing wrong with a good cry. Some times it’s a cleansing process. 

White Crane

Thank you all so much for your support.  It carries me through.  And thank you Beachfan for pointing out that I have been here for five years already.  I guess the days stack up into years before we know it.  While our daughter stayed with DH, I drove to the mall yesterday afternoon and found a somewhat quiet place for the phone interview with the Area Agency on Aging.  The interview took an hour and a half and was very in depth.  Some of the questions were so probing and personal that it was difficult to answer but I was honest.  It turns out that I  qualify for sixteen hours of respite care a month.  That will be four hours a week.  I nearly cried when she told me.  While we/I don't technically qualify for housekeeper help, she is going to talk to her supervisor and see if she can get a little help for me with the heavier household chores.  That would be so very helpful.  She also said there would be no charge for any of this which nearly made me cry.  I don't know how soon any of this will start but there seems to be a glimmer of light shining in the distance.  Four hours a week may not sound like too much but it will give me a chance to get away for a little while and know that DH is being taken care of.  DH is a stubborn man and I pray that he will accept someone he doesn't know staying with him a couple of days a week.  And if we do get some help with the housecleaning, I will say that the doctor says I need the help.  So, that is where we are at today.  Thank you all again so very much.  And Bill, I am taking some deep breaths.

M1

Brenda that is Excellent news. So glad!!

Beachfan

Great news, Brenda!  Some time for YOU!  I hope your DH is cooperative and that all of the proposed services get underway soon.  Any bit of respite and help is satisfying.  Good luck!

Joydean

White crane that is a blessing for sure! I hope it all happens soon for you!