Coping strategies for loneliness

Crushed

This is an oddly tough year
50 years ago in Feb 1972 I was enamored of a small shy badly dressed Pre-med Math major.  I thought she was  a princess.  She thought I was a "drunken bum with lecherous intentions" I was just crazy for her. She would not go out with me but would chat endlessly in the dormitory stairwell.  By December of 1972 she agreed to marry me (although that did not happen until 1975).  She was 20 and I was 21. We built a wonderful life together  and then Alzheimer's hit in 2010.  We managed together until 2017 when she went into memory care. By 2018 she had no idea who I was. by 2019 I always referred to her by name not as "my wife".  She was the love of my life but we are no longer marital partners.
 
I know I have had it luckier than most. When I read the personal pain folks have here I am ashamed of complaining.  I was last in a hospital when I was 19. DW was never ill.  DW's pensions and retirement plan pay her costs.   Both daughters and all 5 grandchildren live within "let's have lunch" range .   My daughters are very accomplished and are totally loving and supportive.  (lots of jokes along the way of course)  I have no religion and I am a complete romantic  But I simply don't meet anyone to compare with DW.
     
 I find that I can be lonely even among very nice people.  I "resent" the happy couples.  I am irritated even in my support group where the average age of Alzheimer's onset was 75.  My silent brain screams what are these people complaining about DW didnt make it to 60 before Alzheimers (that is of course unkind and unfair and I am ashamed of the thought) 

I  have a good therapist. I worry that bitterness keeps me trapped in loneliness

 

M1

by the way of nothing, I am reading the new book on Watergate, which also unfolded 50 years ago (hard to believe for those of us who lived through it)....I'm sure you're partly feeling an "anniversary" effect.

Crushed, what do your daughters say about this?  Do you talk to them about it?  And your therapist?  Glad you have someone to talk to....I know you enjoy reminiscing here about the life you had....but I can imagine that no new acquaintances/friends would want to be compared to your wife or feel like they had to measure up.  Hard to square that, I'm sure, and also hard to keep yourself open to new experiences.  Wish I had an answer for you.

Laurention

As I recall your circumstances are similar to mine ..DW, a senior Bank manager was DX in 2011 and passed in early Jan 21..DW was a month shy of her 65th birthday.

My daughters and Grand kids all live within 45 mins.  I have somewhat of a social life..Lots of couples, Buddies that will drop by for a beer. Yes ....and lots of lonliness ....

 I too find myself thinking ...Nobody can compare with what we had ..I've come to grips with the fact that I will spend the rest of my life alone...I wear my wedding ring and have no intention of taking it off..I'm also not religious..However I do believe they only made one lady for me.

That all being said Sir ..My advice would be, try and push the memories and the grief to a back corner of your brain.. Think of it like a photo album ...All the memories and grief are there ..Every so often.. like the Photo album ..bring them out to have a look..When you're done and the tears have dried up ..Return them to that back corner.

Bitterness ...eats the soul.

Best of luck sir

    Mike

Crushed

M1 wrote:

by the way of nothing, I am reading the new book on Watergate, which also unfolded 50 years ago (hard to believe for those of us who lived through it)....I'm sure you're partly feeling an "anniversary" effect.

I was in Judge Sirica's courtroom when Rose Mary Woods tried to explain the 18 1/2 minute gap. I was sitting next to Jimmy Breslin  who was writing in his notebooks  liar  Liar  LIAR in progressively bigger letters.  

jfkoc

You will never find anyone to compare to your wife. That page has turned. The next page waits for you to write on it....it is not a chapter, it is just a page or maybe a paragraph or only a sentence.

Having a loved one who is only one side of a relationship may be far more difficult than not having them at all. While I find no great closure in death it does come with some finality.

I think we have known each other long enough for me to cross a boundry and for you to see that the crossing carries only good intentions .....

What are you doing new/differnet? Really, I would like you to share some of that.

Stuck in the middle

Bitterness will make you lonely, because the focus on your losses makes you overlook the good in your life.

I don't know how to deal with bitterness other than to abandon the idea that I have been treated unfairly.  It is not reasonable to think our marriages will go on forever, just as it is not reasonable to think our wives will be 20 years old forever, and you and I have to accept that.  We have to accept the things we cannot change.  Or be bitter and lonely. 

I'm still working on acceptance.  Good luck.

Paris20

Crushed, I’ve been following your posts. You’ve helped me with some excellent advice. I know that hollow feeling that comes with what’s called the ambiguous loss of a LO with dementia,.

My husband and I met when we were teenagers in college. We’ve been married for 57 years. We both had excellent careers at our alma mater. DH’s position provided us with opportunities to travel the world. I am so glad that we were able to do that for over 25 years.

 My daughters and grandchildren are spread around the country. They don’t live close to us but they do visit several times a year. That means they don’t experience the everyday horrors and decline of this awful disease. Maybe that’s for the best.

Crushed

jfkoc wrote:

What are you doing new/differnet? Really, I would like you to share some of that.

I am open to relationships, but the numbness inside makes me a less than I could be.  I read Stoic philosophers, play chess with my computer make dinner for anyone who might come over,  and do a few household improvements.  One I just finished is a favorite 
These are original Danish PH5 lamps  from the 60s. They are literally museum pieces of industrial design

https://philamuseum.org/collection/object/76343 

https://store.moma.org/only-at-moma/best-sellers/ph-5-hanging-lamp/400600.html

I bought them at a yard sale for $10 in 1974 for my first apartment. In the move back to this house after 1987 several pieces and parts were lost and they languished in the basement,  Recently I decided to fabricate the missing parts and install them in my room.  They are old friends 
  

 

Rescue mom

Crushed—Not particularly appropos of anything, but something said earlier made me think about it, especially since you and your DW are so young….how about when/if people tell you “just remember the good times you had.”  

We  did have some good times, and I absolutely remember.  But when you still have a lot of life ahead—or should have, by normal standards—that’s not great to hear from couples who are still doing and planning. Or maybe I’m just jealous. (Therapist says angry. Whatever. You know)

abc123

Is anyone else having problems with replying to peoples post? This is the 4th time I am reaching out to Crushed to offer my support. Each time I do, it is gone.....poof! Thin air. Hopefully this one will stick.

Crushed, you have every right to have the feelings you have. You and your precious wife were robbed of your life together, your future. I also resent "The happy couples". My husband did not have dementia, I lost him to cancer. We were both only 54 when he died. I am grateful that he did not have dementia. You are a good man and I hope you find your way to having some peace and contentment. 

PS. Your PH5's are fabulous! That was a great score for you back in 1974.

RNS

Crushed, I have followed your posts since I joined.  I like your writing and the way you convey your feelings.  My DH is 88 and suffers from VD and Alz .  I'm 68 and feel like my life is over.  I feel lonely, cheated, angry, bitter, etc etc.  I know most would say that when I married a man 20 years my senior I should expect this to happen.  I knew he was older and I would probably outlive him, but I had no way of knowing this would happen. I understand your feelings of anger and bitterness.  This isn't fair.

Rescue mom

RNS, my DH is also older. Friends asked upfront, early, if I thought about being a young widow (odds are anyway), or likelihood of heart attack, etc. Nobody ever mentioned Alzheimer’s, *that* never even occurred to me in a million years.

jfkoc

Those are fabulous fixtures.  Glue? Where did yoou find materials?

My husband died when he was 86. I was 74. Perhaps being those ages meant that I did not have the anger and bitterness being talked about. When I see an older couple together I feel jeolously...I always want to tell them how lucky they are and that they need to cling to each moment together.

Thinking of the "happy memories"? That does nothing to lessen the sadness that comes from losing a part of me. Sometimes I try to think of the bad times so that I will not feel so empty.

Open to a relationship? Our Soles at Night pretty much expresses how I feel. Jane Fonda plays a widow who just wants someone to sleep next to her. I guess I could get a dog to say good night to...lol.

Always a thank you to those here who are willing to share that which we keep deep down inside.....

Stuck in the middle

That's what the teenaged war widow in Cold Mountain wanted, too.  Someone to sleep by her and hold her.

LizG55

RNS wrote:

Crushed, I have followed your posts since I joined.  I like your writing and the way you convey your feelings.  My DH is 88 and suffers from VD and Alz .  I'm 68 and feel like my life is over.  I feel lonely, cheated, angry, bitter, etc etc.  I know most would say that when I married a man 20 years my senior I should expect this to happen.  I knew he was older and I would probably outlive him, but I had no way of knowing this would happen. I understand your feelings of anger and bitterness.  This isn't fair.

RNS I could so relate to your reply.  My husband is older than I am also, how can you know this will happen... people get sick from all kinds of things and actually my heath is bad so we figured I'd go first.  It's not fair... no way.

LizG55

Crushed wrote:DW didnt make it to 60 before Alzheimers (that is of course unkind and unfair and I am ashamed of the thought)   

I  have a good therapist. I worry that bitterness keeps me trapped in loneliness

 Crushed, I'm sorry, your story made me feel sad for both of you. But dementia hits younger people too not just the elderly.   I'm glad you had some happy years, not sure that brings you a lot of comfort now. 

I'm bitter too, I try to put things in perspective with the rest of the world. When we are like this we see the happy couples together, we don't think about the poor kids in the hospital with cancer. But I get it. 

The loneliness is sometimes unbearable to me also, I get through the days with a lot of nervous energy unfortunately and so much to do. I hope you find some answers soon to help.... yes, I can list do this and do that, but I know it comes from the inside and will take time to get out of the place you're in right now... best wishes...