Anticipatory Grief(1)

Wilted Daughter

Is anyone else experiencing 'anticipatory grief'? As I watch my mother slowly decline in ways that seem oblivious to her, I wonder if I'm being hyper sensitive. The look on her face, and in her eyes are most telling and sadden me to the core to witness. I think 'is this the face of death' and I know the answer.

While I go about my always on call caregiving duties, sometimes I avoid her because it's hard for me to watch her scuffle around, go back and forth to the bathroom at night, tune out in the middle of conversation or display a telling VD progression. I cry almost every day, multiple times a day with little to no quick fix to ease my pain. 

Some suggest placement, but if there is little unknown time left why not allow her last wishes (stay home around family). I have to find a way to muster endurance, so far I'm losing but I'll keep fighting (shake if off).

DrinaJGB

Twelve years and counting.

Neverends

I hear you loud and clear. I have put up my wall of steel, though I know it's not healthy  to do. When I begin feeling like I want to cry which is often a little voice tells me " you can't  let her see you like this, you cannot fall apart, this is life, toughen up". I've been doing this for years and have become a shell. I know the time will come when the flood gates will open but it can't be now.

​fesk

Yes. This past year has been especially difficult. 

I have been caring for my mom for many years, and I have always been able to adjust to the decline as it was somewhat slow and steady. It was not always easy but I adjusted to the constant changes and tried to give her the best quality of life at whatever level she was at. 

This year there has been a larger, sudden decline, and I find myself struggling emotionally. There is a caregiver shortage, so her care has taken over and I do not have any kind of healthy balance in my life. Also, the doctors have not yet been successful in finding the best combination of medicine to help her. 

I have been told it is best to allow yourself to feel all the emotions this situation will bring up as it will help down the line. I try to do this but sometimes it is easiest to keep busy.

 
I have tried to prepare myself for what is to come but not dwell on it because I do not know what exact course her illness will take. Right now, day by day is the best I can do.

The "other" one

I'm not sure this will be helpful to you, but I try to turn my sad thoughts to how comfortable my mother is.  Yes, it is sad to see the decline and know that the future is not bright, but I look at my mom and see that she is no longer concerned about the future, she seems content to think she's going " home" later today ( she is in a nursing facility as her needs are more than we can handle) and she thinks she's there for the day.  She thought she worked there for a long time as she had worked in a doctor's office and it felt familiar to her.  It is so sad, and it's harder when you can't escape it in your home, but try and console yourself with the gift you are able to give her being at home.  Can you get a little respite care?  Some time away and to yourself can do wonders. Perhaps a day care program?  In my case, the sadness comes and goes.  I guess today is a good day.  Please be kind to yourself, grief is natural, but don't let it overtake your life.

Wilted Daughter

I never realized my emotions/feelings as 'grief' until a discussion last night. Wow! It opened my eyes. I'm doing everything possible to get some time away, but there are delays/setbacks due to the pandemic. 

It was suggested that I talk to her new doctor about Hospice, she has scheduled reassessments in late summer and it can't hurt to bring it up again, now. Adult daycare is not an option, she won't go and they have been closed and respite slots/bed at the one facility is full. I could broaden my search.  As someone said, taking it day by day is all we can do and hopefully with nicer weather the sunshine will ease the doom and gloom of winter. Can't wait to spring forward. 

https://www.vnsny.org/article/5-steps-for-dealing-with-anticipatory-grief/

Thank you

Anonymousjpl123

Bumping this post up in case anyone is feeling anticipatory grief every day the way that I am. My mother is now safe and with POA appt scheduled it’s the last of the heavy lifting.

Instead of relief I cry every day. We had a tumultuous and difficulty relationship my entire life and my brothers want nothing to do with her. 

I’m making the best of the situation I found myself in but everyday is a struggle to get up go to work and think this is the new normal. My mother calls every day and I visit frequently but her cognition is declining rapidly and it’s so painful. More so for me than her. 

We are getting along better than ever because she knows she needs me and is terrified but that is sad and awful. 

Ok end of vent thanks for listening. 

GwendolynD

I'm experiencing it.  My Mom was diagnosed with probable Lewy Body Dementia in October of last year.  Her abilities have taken a steep decline since then, which caught me off guard and kicked off anticipatory grief for me.  I just moved her into my home to make it easier for me to care for her.  Sometimes there are tears and I don't fight having them (though I try not to let my Mom see them).  All I can do at this point is take it day by day and remember that she is in the best place she can be at this time.  I'm really happy that she seems to be adjusting pretty well to living in my house.

let14intohof

Yeah, my therapist keeps telling me to stop anticipating things....how do you do that?  I cry a lot too....I want what's best for her, which I believe is to be home with me, but it honestly doesn't give me anything I want....

F&E

Our anticipatory grief is doom and gloom thinking, unhealthy! I want my pre Alzheimer’s wife back I want our youth back I want more resources $ etc.but life has given us what we have so I want us to cope and strive while we can in spite of our hardships.make the most of life with what we .have.Don’t be pessimistic and feeling sorry for yourselves. I am grateful to be able to care for my wife,express my love, it’s rewarding . I am thankful for the good lives we have had and I concentrate on making them as good as I can now with love Despite grieving and feeling depressed