I must stop hating

Paris20

My husband and I have been married for 57 years. We grew up together, shared our lives, raised children, had phenomenal careers, traveled, laughed, cried; we’re best friends. Now Alzheimer’s Disease has robbed him of all he was. No one who meets him now would know that he earned a PhD in finance and economics, taught at a major research university for decades, and was a bright, capable, articulate, knowledgeable, loving man.

Today, his language is filled with four-letter words. It’s as if those are the only words he can remember. He constantly alludes to violence against those with whom he disagrees. We have no guns, thank goodness, but he goes down the list of every rifle and shotgun he ever knew when he talks politics and culture. He insists on watching the news but has no understanding of who is saying what, so he blasts his F-bombs, screaming empty threats at the TV. If I turn off the TV or try to distract him, the verbal garbage gets hurled at me.

Worst, to me, is that this formerly highly intelligent man talks like a dope. That sounds harsh but since he has anasognosia, he continues to think that his comments are astute and perceptive. He resorts to simplistic nonsense because his brain is broken and it cannot be fixed. I dare not disagree or engage in any debate. I know better but the frustration can be enormous. I hate listening to him.

Last but not least is the total absence of short term memory. We had a furniture delivery today. I made room for the new pieces. He asked me at least 20 times what was happening. I know why he asked me so many times but there are times when I think this disease is going to have two victims in this home. Sorry, I just wanted to vent. Thanks for the opportunity. Do you know what I’m talking about?

DJnAZ

"...there are times when I think this disease is going to have two victims in this home"

 That may be one of the best descriptions I have heard. It fits perfectly with what I go through trying to care for my wife. Even in the early stages dementia is exacting it's toll on both of us.

Vent away. Although venting may be short-lived, it is about the only thing I still have that helps me get through the day.

jfkoc

yes !!!!!

Ed1937

Paris, if anyone understands, it is us. Vent away. It is sometimes helpful.

Scooterr

Paris, vent away. Sometimes you just have to let it out. I to have a spouse who was very intelligent now there's just a shell of a person left. I have had to take all the mirrors down in our house, because she doesn't recognize the lady in the mirror. My wife gets very agitated, upset and physical towards me, thinking I'm cheating with another women. Sometimes venting is all you got.  Stay Strong,

toolbeltexpert

Paris vent away, it is part of what we must do to care for ourselves. sometimes I just want to say it all, just not to my dw. I have been holding all in and it's not helpful when you can't socialize with someone who doesn't really understand, otherwise I am a whiner. Oh yeah I know what your talking about. DW I don't  know if I fed the cats, 20 times. Then Dw I didn't bring in the cat food 20 times, morning and night. zero short term.

Quilting brings calm

Yes. My Mom is not at your husband’s level and isn’t mean and aggressive either.  Yet I just want to run as far away as possible.  I accidentally pocket dialed her today as I was cooking supper.  You all know what happened then.  4 return calls in 5 minutes.  Which I declined, but responded with  3 text messages explaining that my call had been accidental, I was cooking supper, and I was busy.  She knows how to text, texted me yesterday. Finally I answer the next call, and by then I was annoyed, and told her the same thing I texted her. As soon as I got off the phone, she then called  me twice in a row, hung up as soon as it came on the screen each time,  then left a text message, telling me the same thing she told me on this mornings call. Now I sit here feeling guilty. 

I’m still recovering from my second fractured vertebrae of the winter.  It’s driving her anxiety level ballistic  because I haven’t been there to see her, even though I call almost every day. I’m getting multiple calls and texts daily asking me how I am.  Which is exactly the same as yesterday. She’s so emotionally needy, even though all her needs are being taken care of. 

Almost 2.5 years since we brought my parents back to our home state due to this wonderful disease. And yet/ I am providing  nowhere near the level of care you all are.  

Buggsroo

Paris,

I get what you are saying, it would take the patience of a saint to be presented your husband’s diatribes on a daily basis. I look at my husband and scream silently, “What have you done with my brilliant, clever and extremely amusing husband?” I find it is worse if you are tired or depressed yourself to deal with the constant questions, outbursts of anger, gibberish etc. 

So, yes, I do get it. Believe me, it is soul sucking to deal with this disease.

Joydean

YES YES!!!!

ButterflyWings

Unfortunately, yes with a capital “Y”.

Kate W

Paris,  is there a chance that medication is the problem with his anger?  Perhaps a side effect of one of his drugs?  My husband is less angry since we decreased his donepezil.  Or is there a drug he could take to help?  It really sounds hard to live with.

Paris20

Kate, thanks for your reply. One of the ironies of the situation is that the scenario I described is actually an improvement over the way DH behaved before Seroquel. I truly believe that if it weren’t for the meds, there could have been physical violence. My husband always had a short temper but DH with dementia is just a hideous extrapolation of an old trait. The neurologist lowered the dose of antidepressant when the Seroquel had to be increased slightly. My daughters think that the Seroquel needs to be upped a notch but DH sleeps too much already. I’m at the point where I aim for safety and a mostly peaceful day. It’s my feelings of hatred that I need to shake off.

toolbeltexpert

Paris you can hate the things and behaviors they are not your dh. He is gone believe me that is so hard to say I am not trying to be mean or hateful and I know you know that as well. We have to vent freely so as to have our "self heard" someone said it this morning in a post it's our self defense voice. You still have your dh in your memory and have written those good things, don't let this disease take that. I might be speaking to myself as well. I am not in your shoes and you have  endured way more than me. Thanks for your post there are so many who are wishing they had the courage to voice their feelings.  Feel free to ignore me if I am way off base.

Marllene

Hi! This is my first post. A year and a half ago, my husband was an ambitious, energetic, clever, optimistic, athletic, dependable, busy, sociable, young at heart friend and lover. Today he is none of those. A year and a half ago we decided to put our dreams as a couple first, retire, downsize and spend time with friends and family. Today he can’t think outside of his own immediate needs, can hardly plan lunch let alone a trip, can’t often find the ringing phone, cannot remember his own number, never goes out with friends, and his over riding desire is to follow me in whatever it is I’m doing, to copy or redo it. He is either angry or sad, and the ridiculous things that come out of his mouth are unrecognizable. Half the time I’m not sure what he’s talking about. He is most angry that I don’t want physically intimacy, and does not believe he has changed, instead insisting repeatedly with resentment that I’ve changed so much. My life is so absurd, balanced between compassion and shock, with no respite in normal. I want to get a divorce but that’s just so shi**y. 33 years of marriage ending in this?!

toolbeltexpert

Marllene welcome and  so sorry you have had to find this forum. You are in the right place. Just a suggestion you might want to copy your post then click the green add a topic at the top of the message board. You'll get a lot more responses. Know that we all need to ask, vent and see that we are not the only ones going thru this. Welcome aagain and You'll  get thru this, we all will.