Unambiguous Loss

Jeff86 · February 2022

For four years, I have participated in a local spouse-caregivers’ support group.

I remember keenly the first meeting I attended. At the time, I thought to myself two things. One, a lot of folks are a lot worse off, or more progressed, than I and my DW. And second, that is our future.

And now, we are those people who are further down the road. In the past 15 months or so, four of our group members have lost their spouses. This week, I learned of a fifth member’s spouse passing. This member joined the group the same day I did and, like me, is in her early to mid 60’s. We have similar educational and professional backgrounds, and met occasionally at in-person Alz Assn events for PWDs, and both of our spouses were very accomplished professionally. She was maybe the most tireless and generous caregiver I’ve known, on a considerably longer and more challenging journey.

I grieve for her and with her.

And in honor of her husband, here is a poem on grief and loss.

Dirge Without Music

BY EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.

So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:

Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned

With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.

Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.

A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,

A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,—

They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled

Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.

More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;

Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.

I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Joydean · February 2022

Dear Jeff, this disease plays no favorites. It takes and takes. I’m am sorry for your friends and all those that have and will lose loved ones to this monster. I wish with all my heart I could say something to help you, but I don’t know what it could possibly be. Your tribute to your friend said so very much and touched me. God bless you and your dear wife and all of us caregivers and loved ones.