Feelings of loss

aconite

DH is in the early stages of this disease but I still feel the loss of the vibrant man I married. Even though he's in the room, I sometimes feel alone.  Conversations need to be simple if he is to follow them. That's a real change since his education/work required a high level of complex reasoning.

Now, we need to downsize / rid ourselves of belongings. That's always been hard for me and thinking about why, I realize that possessions hold memories for me.  Some hold memories of my parents or of trips we have taken. Now, I find that I will increasingly be the holder of the memories.  But, we need to downsize. But, it adds to my feelings of loss. Such a conflict!  And then there's my "maybe it will be useful" packrat tendencies. 

I need to get this done soon since DH can still help to some extent - even with his memory issues and multitude of physical problems.  He still can do most activities of daily living on his own with some reminders.

I'm thinking of taking photos of some of the things before I either sell or give them away. I don't know if it will help alleviate my feelings of loss or not. Any other suggestions?

And yes, I do realize that in the overall realm of things that this is a very small problem.  Just another drop in the emotional bucket of coming to terms with his ALZ diagnosis and his overall decline in health due to other issues.

Ed1937

Aconite, I'm sorry it's so hard. I don't think there are any small losses with this disease. What someone else might think of as a small loss, we, as individuals, might feel the same loss as something major. There are a lot of "gut punches" when we go down this road.

If you have small things that have meaning to you, I would try to keep them. For the things that "must go", I think photographs of them can be a good alternative to try to keep them. 

Marie58

I think taking pictures of some of the items you get rid of is a good idea. And downsizing sooner rather than later is also a good idea. We were in a huge house (4200 sq ft) when DH was diagnosed. We moved into a house less than half the size a year later. Went from 3 vehicles, a trailer and a boat to one vehicle and a smaller trailer. Less stuff and maintenance is way less stressful and frees up time for more important things. Best wishes tho, as it is a lot of work but worth it in the end.

Stuck in the middle

Photos are a good idea.  Maybe you could put them in a scrapbook with notes as to the memories they bring.

I like keepsakes, but I can't keep everything they ever touched.  When I downsize, I will select a few small objects that belonged to each person.  My wife has saved a 4' x 4' toy box of my late son's things, and other keepsakes.  When I downsize, I'll keep a few, like the newspaper article about his volunteer work with autistic children when he was a teen, and of course the photos.  But I won't keep the whole box.

aod326

Problems are all relative. I found one of the hardest things was noticing DH had lost his witty sense of humor. In the scheme of everything, that's not huge, but it was only then that I realized how much humor was a part of our relationship.

A while ago I read that if something is important enough to keep then it should be on display - I think that's a good maxim. I have used fabric from a couple of DH's shirts as a background to photos in a frame - I didn't need to keep the whole shirt.  I grabbed a couple of shadow boxes and put in travel mementoes. I also have a small shadow box with a collection of keys, like my first house. I got two nice boxes from Home Sense and they are just boxes of random "stuff" that mean something. But rather than put them in a closet, or under the bed, I have them in the living room and open them up sometimes. 

If in doubt though, if you're on the fence, and you have the space, keep hold of something with a memory. The "just-in-case"s, however, you can let go!

Good luck - it's another crummy thing to be dealing with.

DrinaJGB

For 4 years I was taking care of both DH with a brain injury and my dad with heart failure

 . In 2014 my dad died. I had been through so much already that it was as if my body went into seek and destroy mode.

  I cleaned out all of my dad's things in about 3 days. I was like a robot--I gave away clothes, furniture, tools, and his truck I saw the funeral director. I had the funeral..I saw the lawyer. I saw the broker. I saw the banker.I called the movers.

  The only thing I kept were a few photos of my late brother and dad, a flannel shirt of his that I still wear and his antique bedroom set, along with a few other little things that remind me of him.

 I was like an efficient robotic whirlwind.

  My dad went onto heart failure after my brother and only sibling died.My DH had brain damage. I suppose there is only so much grief one can take before the robot takes charge.

mrl

Remember to take some pictures of him too...you'll be glad you did

Michele

toolbeltexpert

Aconite I understand your need to pare down and share the memories I find myself stuck in place, I want to give the things to my family in case something happens to me. I  did use a video archival place to share our videos with the family. I  Don't know if you have any of those vhs tapes or 8mm film ect, but it is an easy way to share with the whole family. I don't  have days and days  to burn discs or copy 9 gigs. It was 12 vhs tapes and a few vhs c. They can do pictures. dvds, or what ever kind of media you have.  The only down side I heard was 8mm film with audio can be done it just won't have the audio.  I am not putting the name of the place cause I don't want to seem like I am plugging a certain company. I got an archival grade usb with everything on it. I can plug it in the smart tv and pull up any video. I also have downloaded all 9 gigs to dw smartphone. Just click it and it plays. She hasn't  remembered it or how to use it.  One thing at a time. I paid 19$ extra for a 1 year storage that I shared a link with the families to download if they want it. I am king of the pack rats piles of scrap steel, someday I might need that. I have started taking it to the scrap yard.