Not nearly prepared

Kevcoy

I'm a substitute teacher and this morning I noticed was the first day the sun was coming over the mountains to the east.  As I was crossing in the cross walk from the parking lot to the school I looked to my right and thought, that SUV isn't going to stop for me so I started running and barely missing getting hit.  The lady gave me a, sorry the sun was in my eyes and I didn't see you.

Right then and there I thought what if I had been hit?  What if I were injured or even killed?  What would happen to my DH?  Who would take care of him?  Where would he live?  I realized then and there that I'm not nearly prepared enough for a worse case scenario.  I also realized I'm not some kind of super hero and that everything can change in an instant.  What are some of the precautions you have taken for your loved one's care if something should happen to you?  How do you start this process and what's involved?  We have no children just my husband's brother and his crazy mother who live in town.  This has gotten me shaken.

Ed1937

What a wake up call! There is no doubt that every one of us should have at least a "Plan B" in place. I am fortunate in that I have a large family, and there will be no problem if I should have a fatal heart attack today. One daughter and her husband said they would take my wife into their home. But if that was not a workable solution, she would be the one I'd want calling the shots. I told her I did not want her family to be ripped apart if the worst should happen. 

I don't have any good solutions for you, but I'm sure others will chime in on this. Maybe you should talk to his brother to get his input on this?

DrinaJGB

I am so sorry that happened to you! I hope you got her license plate and turned her in. I would be willing to bet she was distracted while on her phone. That's what happened to me when a woman slammed into the back of my (just paid off) car while I was stopped at a red light.

I completely understand your thoughts. I have put off being sedated for exams and surgeries for fear of not coming out of it. What would happen to DH is always on my mind. There really is nobody else. Our daughter lives nearby,but is too entrenched in her own family comings and goings.

  The last time I did have a surgery was in 2014. At the time I was caring for DH (since brain injury 2010), as well as my father who was in heart failure.My blood pressure crashed and I was given atropine and epinephrine twice. It really scared me. I promised myself to never put us in that situation again. SO-- here I am not having medical procedures done.

I honestly do not know what to do to prepare. I already have our daughter as DPOA/Medical POA, etc. in every aspect should something happen---it's just as much as I hate to say it I honestly do not know if she would step up to the plate or not in caring for her dad whom she was always close to but has not been here for months. It is a disconcerting situation to say the least.

loveskitties

You might want to check with an Elder Care attorney to see what your options are since you have no close family to step in if needed.

Crushed

We have had a family trust for over 5 years.  My term life insurance just expired   YAY I didn't use it.  was worth every penny .  Nice thing about the insurance expiring and with my pensions etc.  NOW my kids say I'm worth more alive than dead  

   If I die DW gets my SS instead since it is more than hers.  Her FERS government pension goes up since I have a survivor benefit that I wont use.  She gets my IRA  (through the trust)   So there is plenty of money to continue her care.  Our two daughters are the successor trustees

 

ElCy

I’m in the same boat as you. We have no children. My husband has no living relatives. I have 1 brother and 1 nephew who live 3000 miles away.

My CELA really helped. If I die first, everything goes into a special needs trust for DH. I changed all beneficiary designations for my 401k, life insurance, etc to the special needs trust.

All savings out of DH name.

My brother now has POA for me.

I also copied all important documents, passwords, etc and gave them to a friend to put in their safe with my brother’s phone number on the outside of the envelope so my friend can contact my brother should anything happen to me.

PlentyQuiet

Crushed wrote:

   If I die DW gets my SS instead since it is more than hers.  Her FERS government pension goes up since I have a survivor benefit that I wont use.  She gets my IRA  (through the trust)   So there is plenty of money to continue her care.  Our two daughters are the successor trustees

 

Crushed- is the trust named as beneficiary then? Are the spousal inheritance rules the same? How about the kids if the money survives your spouse?   Thanks

Crushed

PlentyQuiet wrote:

Crushed wrote:

Crushed- is the trust named as beneficiary then? Are the spousal inheritance rules the same? How about the kids if the money survives your spouse?   Thanks

The Trust is the recipient of my IRAs.  Then it gets complicated.  We have a disabled granddaughter who may be able to benefit from the stretch out  on the IRA through a special needs trust.  That still has to be set up. The trust would pay for DW for her lifetime and will eventually split into  a trust for each daughter with that daughter as trustee.  I'm am reasonably confident the money will survive both of us.  I help each daughter right now with child care expenses.  Our house is also in the trust.  

I've said many times that we have been lucky to have jobs we both loved that paid reasonable salaries and pensions.  I graduated from law school at 24 and my wife from medical school at 25 We were prodigious savers and had no health or other disasters.WE WERE LUCKY In the same way our daughters went to state U and pushed to a JD and a science PhD  and married fine men.  All four have been continuously employed in suitable positions.  

M1

Kevcoy I’m in a similar boat. I’m glad you’re okay. I went to a CELA and have named backup poa (health and financial) for my partner if I am unable to serve, and also got names of some reliable professional care managers who can step in if needed; I provided those names to the backup poas who are physician friends and accountants, respectively.

jmlarue

May I ask...what sort of fee does a CELA charge to set up a trust? I handled the DPOA for financial and POA for health care on my own. Both sons are designated to serve in succession if I am unable to. Fortunately, this was easy to do without professional advice. Now, however, I'm considering a plan whereby my youngest son & his family would move into our large, 2 story house and I would build a smaller in-law house on the property for me & DH. What I need is single level house that is more accessible for both of us with proximity to family willing to provide respite care now for DH and a safety net in the event of my disability/death. There would necessarily be some co-mingling of assets in this scheme and I need to be sure that the elder son will receive his share of that inheritance without forcing the younger son to sell to settle the estate. I can see that this is going to be complex and wondering if a family trust might be the legal avenue to pursue. Do any of you have experience with setting up a family trust and a guess on what it might cost to do that? Our assets are not extensive, and I would like to protect as much as I can as an inheritance for children and grand-children.

Pat6177

Kevcoy, I hear you! We don’t have kids and we moved to AZ and other family is on the east coast. My husband never maintained a relationship with his niece and nephews so there would be no help there. The first thing I did was to think about who the POA (both medical and financial) would be. I named a POA and a backup POA. Then I addressed the issue of how they would be able to handle things from so far away. At this point, we don’t want to move. So I looked into care managers. I asked our elder law attorney for some recommendations. I realize this is not an option for everyone but we can afford to do it. Not much cost until we need their help. Then it can get expensive. But compared to the cost of either POA having to travel from the east coast… Now that we have selected and hired the care manager, I need to provide them with all the info they would need to step in. I made a good start on this and need to see where I am and get back to it. The company I chose allows you to upload digital documents to a secure site. We hired them for both of us because if I fell and broke a hip, I would need someone here in town to help me, again since my POA is on the east coast. You also have the option of making the care manager your POA. If you do, they say that they will work with your family or whomever you designate. 

I am now slowly working on arranging and prepaying for our final arrangements. Amazing how different  the prices are from one funeral home to another!

None of this happens quickly for me. I used to be very organized and could get projects done. But not anymore. In the midst of these projects, I am also trying to start some in home care. My DH is adamant that he does not want/need anyone with him. So I expend a lot of energy and time worrying about how to get that started. 

As with anything else, decide what is the most important piece and start working on that. Then just put one foot in front of the other to keep getting the project moving forward. You’ll get there! As will I!

Stuck in the middle

jm, a trust will cost maybe a tenth of what your heirs will spend to probate your estate if you don't have a trust.  It is the way to go to maximize the inheritance.  I don't recall what it cost to set up our trust or what it cost to probate my FIL's estate, but I remember which was more expensive.

jmlarue

Thanks, Stuck. I have calls in to 3 different attorneys. Let's see who calls me back. I'm prepared for sticker shock.

Lills

I don't have family living nearby.  So...as silly as it may sound when compared to the importance of financial readiness as others have suggested, I suggest buying an ID bracelet for YOU to wear when going away from home.  I put my name, my son's name & phone number and the fact that I am a caregiver for spouse at home.  I also put ICE info. on my iPhone.

Stuck in the middle

Not silly at all.  Excellent suggestion and addresses the concern of the OP - what happens if I don't make it home today?

ButterflyWings

Lills - not silly at all. And, Kevcoy I'm glad you are OK!

I used to think about this every time I had to take a flight, as if that is the only time we might have an unexpected incident requiring a Plan B for our LOs.

Have not sorted it all out yet, but it is part of my recent quest to connect DH with his VA health benefits. It seems that will provide him with the best options for current and LTC, and I have verbally discussed the plans for me and for him, with the next generation in our blended family. Just so they are aware, and then we will see if they follow through. My main concern is that none of our children have to give up their lives to care for either of us. I will begin updating the docs again (with a CELA's help) in the next month or so, if all goes well. It is super tough getting things done with no aides to be found, and a vehemently housebound DH. Zoom is not workable for original signatures and original docs, plus he can't be part of all conversations -- not even in earshot of some discussions without ramifications later. Though this is becoming easier, sadly, due to his continued decline and frequent confusion.

I've been reflecting a lot lately that we both had very decent starts and sound plans, but those went out the window with the first marriage for each of us (to others) and lots of earnings and savings got depleted in doing right by ex-spouses and minor children at the time. The right thing to do, but it makes life more challenging financially from that point on. Like many blended families, starting over puts you at a distinct disadvantage and begins a race against the clock to rebuild some level of security and still (hopefully) a viable plan for an enjoyable retirement after gutting the "original" plans and many early years of savings and investment.

So, DH and I were on a good trajectory nonetheless. Then, here comes Alzheimers to completely obliterate the "round two" plans we made, which were very realistic and well underway -- yet not to be. For now, I can't even think about what I didn't know in time to keep DH from depleting our assets in the early stages of his illness, pre-diagnosis. But d@m#it it really does mean that being prepared at this point is a tragic impossibility or at least a very, very long shot that will take a miracle. I will just have to do the best I can with the worst set of circumstances we could never have imagined. I hope to survive his dementia, and if so, am praying to be healthy enough to resume work until age 70. Starting over again. Shaking my head. smh. We shall see.