Guilty and relieved

MLS2021

Back story:

Youngest sister lived with mom and dad with her husband shortly after she got married. My parents worked full-time and my sister was a housewife. When my parents retired my sister went to work full-time and my mom watched her kids. 

About 5 years ago my parents health started declining. As siblings we agreed, as my sister wanted to be my parents caregiver, that she would get our parents house that she grew up in upon their death. Bad decision making led to that house being foreclosed on but only after a couple years of not making mortgage payments. She moved my parents about 25 minutes away from me when they were only 2 minutes away.

My sister was my dad's POA, he passed in May 2021 and is currently my mom's POA and Rep Payee. My sister was getting a divorce so my mom went to live with my sister in TN in March 2021 and my dad was in hospice. Unfortunately, the sister in TN is mentally unstable so my mom came to live with me in October. My mom's level of care has increased since she lived with my youngest sister (POA) and she said if I became mom's caregiver that I could have Mom's whole social security check, ( she was not giving the whole thing to my other sister) because I had to go from working 5 days a week to 2 days a week.

6 months later and she has only given me half the money we agreed to and I am getting more in debt each month. I told her starting next month I need the whole check and she said no then proceeded to send a text message saying how horrible her siblings are and that she accumulated debt caring for mom and dad etc and if I can't handle mom she will find space for her in her house. So on Saturday we drove my mom to my sister's to live with her.

I feel so guilty because I know that I provided her the best care out of my siblings but I can't afford to keep going further into debt. I also take care of my in-laws who live in a mother-in-law cottage on our property. I didn't mention that my sister is getting $90,000 insurance check due to a sinkhole claim on my parents old house plus money from her divorce settlement.

I would have kept her if my sister had kept to our agreement and now I feel sad, guilty and also relieved and then guily for feeling relieved. Also, the week I took in my mom I had a heart catheterization done where they found a 90% blocked LAD (Widowmaker) at the age of 52 that I haven't dealt with mentally.

Just needed to vent. Thanks for outlet.

SusanB-dil

Hi MLS - you go ahead and vent.  Sorry that situation happened to you.  glad you got your heart taken care of.  Caring for PWD not easy, not fair...

Sure sounds like you did a lot, and maybe too much going on at once.  Too many caregivers I think wait too long to take care of themselves.  a no-no, but it happens a lot (sometimes really, not sure there's a choice).  And taking care of in-laws as well - you know you've done your part, did your best, and can only take on so much for so long before you put your own health at risk.

Hope you can get some time for 'you' for a bit, especially after the stress on your heart.

M1

I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about. Your sister wants the money, she can shoulder the responsibility. I know it must be hard Not to worry about your mom, but you've done all you can do. a wise person once told me that sometimes you should give people what they want (kinda the obverse of being careful what you wish for).

take care of that heart and take those medications!! 

Stuck in the middle

No reason for you to feel guilt.  Your sister was stealing half of the SS check because she has a sworn duty as rep payee to use all of the money for your mom.  If your mom should return to your home, you should apply to be rep payee and tell the SSA why.

One thing I have learned as caretaker for multiple people is you absolutely have to learn to ration yourself.  It is mathematically impossible to split a pizza three ways and give half a pie to each.  If your sister will care for your mom, that is great, because you already carry a lot.

I am glad your heart problem was found.  Take care of yourself.  A lot of people depend on you.

PlentyQuiet

I don't have much to say on the issue of you feeling some guilt because I agree with the others that there is no reason for guilt. Caring for your mom was not sustainable for you. 

I had a 95% blockage in my LAD at age 45. It was stented and I have not had problems since. Five years on and all is well. However, it took quite a while to mentally process what had happened and to get comfortable taking so many meds each day. My PCP stated that there is a high degree of situational depression that can occur after a stent. 

With caretaking for your MIL, worry over your mom and fractious relationships with siblings I'm going to suggest finding someone to talk to. We are a lovely group to vent to, but more structured support may be needed. 

Take care of you. I can't imagine that your parents would be happy knowing you were putting your health at risk for them.