How to get ADLO to accept home help

PCR14

Hi

I'm the SO of an EO women. I'm in the early phase of this journey. My first goal is 

to be able to have her stay in her house as long as possible. I'm with her nearly 7X24. I don't think this is healthy for either one of us. She has no insight into her condition 

and believes she can manage herself and her  house on her own. She has severe memory issues, cognitive challenges, delusions, etc... I know that I need help in keeping her in her home. There is limited support from family and friends. I would like to have someone come over, or I could drive her somewhere or a combination or both 3-4 times a week.  However she rejects and becomes  upset at the mention of  having someone come in and assist her.  I am the "bad guy" so any suggestion I have usually does not go over well. A close friend of hers, whom she somewhat listens to, 

also suggested some additional help. She dismissed this out of hand. So I'm looking for any suggestions on how to get her to accept this additional help. Thanks

MN Chickadee

This is a common problem, you are not alone. We usually have to find the right therapeutic fib for our LO. This can also take an investment of your time to get up and working but is worth it in the end. YOu are correct that doing it 24/7 is not sustainable. Respite is an extremely important element of keeping your LO home long term. For your own phsycial and mental health this is good you are taking the steps to getting help. 

If you are bringing someone in, you might try saying it is a cleaning lady -  a service so and so gave us for her birthday, isn't it great we won't have to clean for a few months. Or someone from church who needs volunteer hours. Or a nursing student who needs to log some hours. Or a friend's daughter who is down on hard times and we're doing such a great thing letting her help out around here for a little money. Most staff who you would be hiring would be familiar with dementia and willing to play along. It might work best if you stay home with them the first week or two as this person comes in to make your partner more comfortable and wait for them to get to know each other before leaving. Often the PWD will eventually settle in and then kind of forget how the relationship started or do not need explanation once they are used to a situation, the details they need are different. You might get to the point after a few weeks where you can at least leave the room and do what you need to in another part of the home. 

We started my LO in adult daycare around this time. She hated it at first, it was horrible to get her to go but we stuck with it and it ended up being the most wonderful thing for both her and us caregivers. You might try saying it's a senior center and go together for a while. Make it short, eat lunch, do an activity, go home. Repeat. Maybe it's a place looking for volunteers with __(some skill or talent she has.) Maybe after a few times attending together you say you have a doctor's appointment and slip out, I will be back for you in an hour. My mother was not happy about  being there for the first month and we would slip out and she would be grumpy but the staff would distract and get her going on something. Eventually she came to think she worked there or volunteered there and had a narrative about her work. The minute she woke up in the morning she was ready to go work. This program kept her busy and socialized and we were able to keep her out of a facility for about 3 years longer than would have been otherwise possible. Many day programs can keep up with changing physical needs as well as dementia progresses. Ours handled meds, incontinence and medical issues, and eventually we hired them to give her a shower twice a week because she accepted their help better than ours on personal care. 

Sometimes these changes we have to make do upset our LO and there isn't much we can do to help it, all we can do is validate their feelings, soothe, reassure, develop thick skin, and put our head down and get through it. This phase will pass. Let us know how it goes. 

PCR14

Thank you MN Chickadee. You certainly gave me a couple of thoughts that I can try. I have to put the pieces together. It certainly is a struggle. Thanks again.