should I stop visiting LO?

ninalu

Hello All,

I'm the only child of my mother, who is in a SNF and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2014. We have a close and loving relationship and I cared for her in-home for several years. For many years, I've been "her person" (she didn't remarry after divorcing my father, so there's no partner in the picture) and I believe she's felt safe with me for a long time.

Yesterday, I visited with her and our usually sweet and loving visit was quite different. Yesterday, upon my arrival, it seemed as though some emotion / upset that was somewhat dormant became pronounced. She was upset about something and I couldn't tell what, but she clung to me and was trembling, begging me, "please don't go. please don't leave me. please take me with you." Something had upset her, and it's not clear what. I stayed with her for a long time but eventually had to leave, and needed a nurse to assist. 

When I called later, they said she was fine. She'd settled in, managed to eat some dinner, and gone to bed as usual.

How does one make a call about whether visits are causing more harm than good? 

tramey50

Hi, we also went through this with my Mom. It is very difficult. I wondered the same thing you do…should I stop visiting. We were able to take Mom out for drives or visiting relatives, but then she wouldn’t want to go back to memory care. 

The good news is…it has eased up with time. Not completely, but much much easier. She mostly accepts it as her home now. We did get an anti-anxiety medication-Busporine which really helped. It did make her tired, but it helped so much with anxiety. Especially when she started into sundowners. 

I also learned that instead of trying to rationalize with her, I needed to tell her I loved her, I’d be back later, and then leave. The longer I stayed and tried to talk sense to her, the worse it got. It also helped to have a caregiver come and distract her so I could sneak out. Once I left she very quickly calmed down.

It is so hard and I’m so sorry you are going through this. There are phases she will move in  and out of, so this to will pass. 

Take care. Tracy

JJ401

With MIL we found that not all visits were the same. You may find her completely different on your next visit. Your next visit could revert to the sweet loving one you are used to. 

What we learned to do was to leave after a few minutes if things were not good. Those visits only upset her more the longer we stayed. But, the very next day she’d revert to her sweet self and we’d have a wonderful visit. We learned to shake off the bad days and enjoy the good days. 

ninalu

Thank you for the helpful perspective.

I've seen mom go in and out of phases, but this felt different. It felt more frightening. It's good to be reminded of the ups and downs and to show up next time unfazed. Thanks again. 

sandwichone123

You make the call based on patterns. One visit doesn't tell you much, but if it gets where she's usually more upset when you're there it would be an issue.

You might also like to look up some Teepa Snow videos about how to communicate with a loved one in this type of situation--how to try to figure out what's going on and what might help.

Tfreedz

If that is the first time she acted like that, it would definitely be concerning. If it were me, I would “drop in” at different times on different days just to check on her. There could be a staff member who isn’t super sweet that makes your mom uncomfortable or a resident that is having loud out bursts that is upsetting to your mom but she can’t verbalize that to you.

If possible see if you can see her without her seeing you, such as meal or activity times. It may ease your mind to see her relaxed and to determine if it was just her seeing you that triggered this episode. If you see that she is relaxed except when she is with you, then I might wait a week and try again.