The sandwich generation

MerriMom

I’m 39 years old and married. We have 2 girls, ages 11 and 6. My dad is 72 years old and lives with us. He is comfortable in his bedroom watching tv all day. He will fall asleep in his recliner and confuse his days and nights. He will come sit with us in the living room but only for a few minutes. I’m trying to make a schedule to get him more engaged during the day so that he will sleep better at night. I don’t know how to coordinate my kids, my dad, myself and my husband to divide my time between them all each day. Any ideas from anyone else who is dealing with a similar situation?  Thank you in advance.

MN Chickadee

Are there any adult daycare programs in your area? This would solve so many of your issues. My mother spent 3 years going to a day program. It kept her social, awake and busy during day time hours, and gave us caregivers respite. The routine of going, the activities, familiar faces there, coming home tired but happy was a win for all of us. It tends to be pretty affordable and in some states Medicaid covers it if he is lower income. Either that or hiring someone to come in to the home a few days a week to be his companion, take him on outings and walks, play cards or whatever he enjoys. You can't be expected to be all things to everyone. There just isn't enough of you with young kids. I was also in the sandwich generation with kids the same age as yours until my mother with Alz recently passed away. Finding resources and respite is essential, whether that's hiring it, sending him to a program, asking extended family to help out, or a combination of these

harshedbuzz

Merrimom-

There used to be a poster here with younger kids caring for a FIL with dementia. They were able to keep him home until he finally passed. The key to his success seemed to be a combination of 1) one member of the family not employed, 2) a schedule for the FIL, prioritizing/tag-teaming parenting responsibilities and 3) a lot of personal sacrifice in terms of couple-time and both being able to attend the kids' activities. They were committed as a couple of this as a temporary circumstance and made it work for them. This isn't going to work with a reluctant partner. 

If you don't work and your kids are both in school, then you can use your daytime to focus on a structured routine of activities assuming your dad is amenable. While it's easier for both you and him for him to spend the day in his room alternately engaged in passive activities (TV) and napping so you can take care of household tasks, it is likely contributing to his less-then-ideal sleep pattern. In a quality MCF with "best practices" in place, this kind of behavior is actively discouraged, and residents are encouraged to be out of their suites during most of the day and early evening.

Perhaps you could engage him in chores around this house. Would he be able to accompany you to the store, library or other errands? Would he help you fold towels, sweep, or help with meal prep? Can you find time in the late morning for a walk or outdoor chores to expose him to natural daylight which would help with circadian rhythm and maintaining a more functional wake-sleep cycle.

If he's not likely to respond to being engaged with chores and errands, a day program would be an excellent option a couple days each week to provide you a chance to get things done and have some me-time.

Once the kids are home from school, you'll be solo until DH is home and you can start to divide the responsibilities.  One weekends, you might need to split up in order for your DDs to maintain activities and their own social lives. If you can carpool on recurring activities, it'll free you up to do less driving.

HB

Lindsay22

Hi! I am 43 with a 15 year old daughter. Mom is 76 and recently placed in MC.  I work full-time and I am working on a PhD, there is no way I could have cared for mom in my home.  For awhile she lived in a senior condo with visiting caregivers but transitioned to MC last September. It's very difficult to manage everyone's needs at this stage of life. I also think about what it will be like in just a few years when I am an empty nester and mom is gone...then what? Many of my friends still have active, independent parents which makes it isolating as it's impossible for them to understand how challenging this is. That's why it's so good to connect on the boards!

MerriMom

I have my brother-in-law living with us. He stays with my dad when I need to go run errands. My husband takes my dad to his appointments on his days off work. I stay at home so that I'm free to take care of things around the house and outside of the home. I'm not going to pay someone else to see my dad or come in to care for my dad. My brother-in-law doesn't drive, so I need to schedule his appointments for when my husband can take him so that one of us is here with my dad at all times. I have just heard that getting my dad active during the day is good for helping him sleep at night. My dad doesn't want to leave the house to win errands, go out to ear, socialize, etc. We have to tell him that he has to go to the doctors office. I am trying to get him more interactive with us. He is the last grandparent my girls have, and I want them to enjoy this time with him. But I took the field to ride their miles and brought my dad along. I was helping my 6 year old daughter, and my dad walked into the street to get out of the sun. I have board games and puzzles for them to do together. Also there's a dancing app on our tv that they all enjoy. I just have to get the time coordinated to do it when they're all in the mode for it.

harshedbuzz

Merrimom-

It sounds like you are mostly dealing with apathy. It is a common symptom of dementia and very difficult to work around. 

You may have luck playing music from his teens and early 20s; often PWD connect best with that ear musically. The only picture I have of my dad smiling in the last 10+ years of his life was singing along to "Blueberry Hill" about 6 weeks before he died. It was at a Valentine's party with a DJ and it had been my parents' "song".

HB