There is no counselor title after my name

Quilting brings calm

My parents have reached the age where a lot of their friends and siblings have died.  Some friends don’t get out any more than they do.  Others are snowbird friends, meaning they only saw each other in the winters.  Each only has 1 sibling left and they aren’t in any better shape.  My mom’s sibling, nieces and nephews don’t want to visit or talk to either of them  because of my step-dad.  Some  of you know the reasons why -for brevity, just realize it isn’t fixable.  My siblings and step siblings don’t want anything to do with them either. So it’s just me and the staff at the assisted living center.   

Ok, that’s the set up, now to get to the point.  Mom wants me to basically be her marriage counselor, therapist and life coach.  It’s a daily phone call ( soon to be weekly visits again) listening to her list of complaints.  They’ve been married since 1964- nothing is different than  it’s ever been.  We had home health in for a few weeks last fall, which gave her people to complain to and they tried to give her coping techniques.  But of course, that was a temporary thing.  That ended after a few weeks.  She’s not really well enough to go to a weekly therapy appointment. 

I don’t have it in me to be in this role.   It’s never been my forte.    I’m already doing the finances, the bills, handling all the medical needs (scheduling, communicating, transport  attendance at appointments, etc).  Errands that my step-dad doesn’t  want to do( he drives and enjoys reasons to leave the assisted living facility).  I try to talk to her daily - but it often turns into into ‘ I just want someone to talk to about Bill’).  I don’t like to spend a lot of time on the phone, and I don’t like to communicate my daily life to her or really anyone over the phone.  I encourage her to go to the daily activities. 

She’s officially diagnosed with MCI, but I believe her to be at stage 4.  Also takes meds for  anxiety and depression, which actually do work because she’s better than she was several months ago. 

Thanks for allowing me to vent 

SusanB-dil

you know you're in the right place to vent. 

could you limit picking up her phone calls?  for your own peace of mind?

abc123

Dear Quilting, I totally get it! I know I've told you this before, but I'll say it again. I don't know how you do it! I'd be slap nuts if I were you. My dad is very time consuming, a lot like your mom. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this behavior. I think I might know how you feel right now. I've been trying to post for several days and I end up deleting it. I can't even rant right now. 

You have been on my mind a lot! I don't know how you can keep going like you do. You have both parents to deal with! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you had a reason to post but I'm so thankful that you did. I really needed to hear from you. 

Wouldn't it be nice if you could find another person to pretend to be you on the phone! Someone who would be nice and validate her marital problems but spare you and your nerves. I hope things calm down for your sake. Sending you peace, lots and lots of peace.

Quilting brings calm

Susan - I sometimes do just send her call to voicemail.  But often she will just keep calling until I answer, so it’s best to just get it over with. 

Abc- thank you for your kind thoughts.  My situation is nothing compared to yours.I couldn’t move my parents into my home especially at the state your mom is in.  It’s really upended your life.  I know it’s brought memories of caring for your husband back to the forefront of your brain.   Did your dad get the house sold? I know the timing of that was a real concern due to the realtor’s mention of probate

As for me- I just had to whine/vent for a while.  another 10 days of wearing this corset brace, and then there will be therapy. My house needs serious cleaning.   I had just gotten clearance to drive after the first compressed vertebrae fracture and the doctor didn’t tell me I couldn’t drive with this new one. This brace doesn’t affect my mobility in the driver’s seat, so I’ve been driving sparingly the last 10 days.  Spouse had trigger finger surgery last week. I got my delayed cholesterol blood work done while I waited. .As a result of those results, I had to drop my Tylenol/ ibuprofen consumption cold turkey.    So the back pain that had gotten better in week 3 of the new injury is not quite as good this past week- but still manageable since I’m still sticking pretty close to home.  

I did go see my parents Friday for the first time since the accident as I had an eye appointment close to them. Short visit since I needed to get home and rest.  They were fine( other then her anxiety and depression).   Today I will take step dad to the ENT specialist as the CT scans showed an narrowing of his esophagus and I need to hear his plans for that. Same doctor that did his repeated  thyroid cancer surgeries. There is not enough neck tissue left for  any more surgeries and his lungs can’t take general anesthesia surgeries either.  

Older son is still mad at me( us).  I’m going with the theory that he will eventually get over it, since I don’t even know why he is mad.  I was annoyed with him due to his comments to us, But I wasn’t mad enough to stop speaking to him.  He is in the middle of a divorce - now complicated by the fact that his wife is from Ukraine, just got her 10 year green card. 

ButterflyWings

Quilting - sending major hugs and well wishes your way!  

I wish I had an answer but can’t think of one except that you are right that you don’t need the counseling role on top of everything else. Is there any way to get her a different sounding board or listening ear? I can’t imagine how you are handling all that’s on your plate already, you just need peace and calm to de-stress as often as possible. I pray your physical recovery continues and you have relief from the pain and restrictive braces. Be careful driving again!

Iowa Farm Wife

Just because she calls don't feel like you have to pick up the phone and answer it. Sometimes when my mom calls and it's like the 4th time today or at a bad time (I still work full time)  I let it go to the answering machine. Even then after listening to her message I may not call her back. Most of the time she doesn't remember she even called. Sometimes you just have to give yourself a break.  Prayers for you!

Joydean

Quilting, goodness lady how in the world do you do it? You really need to take care of yourself. I’m sorry your mom is bored and just wants to bend your ear about her husband. Please take care of yourself. Prayers for you. 

Quilting brings calm

Joydean - I am trying to take care of myself.  Really,  I was just whining and venting the day I started this post.  I know that my.mom is doing better than most of the loved ones that people post about here.  It’s just that the whining from her gets on my nerves and I can’t tell HER that. So I tell you all.