Flummoxed - staff/resident crushes with a side question of sexual orientation thrown in

GothicGremlin

Well, this is tricky.

My sister Peggy moved into memory care back in October, and has generally done well there. In spite of being about twenty years younger than the other residents, she's made friends, and seems to be well-liked by staff and residents (even with Alzheimer's she's pretty easy-going).

Sooo, a few weeks ago she told me she has a crush on one of the staff caregivers. A friend of mine who works in health care says it's not uncommon for people to develop crushes on their caregivers, and I guess I can see how that might happen. Anyway, Peggy feels great about this crush. I can see how good it is for her - her mood has been great for the last couple of weeks. All of us have noticed her mood, not just me.

The issue, and tricky part, is that Peggy thinks she has a crush on a man. In reality the caregiver is a woman, and Peggy is straight. I haven't met the caregiver yet, but Peggy's friend who visits in the mornings has met the caregiver. He assures me even though she has short hair, she's a woman. No question. Peggy is adamant that he's a man. I told Peggy today that since I haven't met the person in question, I'm going to be neutral like Switzerland and hold off on an opinion until I meet him/her. Obviously I believe Peggy's friend who has uncompromised 20/20 vision, and not Peggy who has fairly sketchy vision/perception at this point. I'm just buying time while I figure out what to do (if anything).

I'm not worried about the caregiver making moves on Peggy (male or female), but I'm not sure how to approach Peggy with news that her crush is a woman, and I don't think I can lie or fiblet my way out of this. I'm worried about a meltdown because it'll be such a let down for her. I know I can't prevent all meltdowns, I just try to prevent what I can.

I probed a little to see if I could detect any fluidity in Peggy's sexual orientation, but she still seems pretty straight. I'm not really sure what to do...

Quilting brings calm

my suggestion is this; 

Next time you visit, and  in Peggy's presence, say the following to staff member A.  Peggy has told me that staff member B is so helpful to her.  Can you point HIM out to me as I have yet  to meet HIM.  Staff member B will politely correct you on your pronouns and Peggy will  overhear. You can laughingly tell the staff member that you forgot to ask Peggy about staff member Bs gender.  You don’t heed to mention the crush to the staff member and  you don’t need to say another  word to Peggy about it afterwards.  It’s 

M1

Does the name give you any clue, or is it a gender-ambiguous name also?

I would bet the staff is already aware of this and that it's not a unique occurrence. They may be able to give you advice about how to handle or redirect.

harshedbuzz

There was a poster here who cracked us up a few weeks back sharing a tale of her mom introducing said poster as her husband. This was a daughter writing the post.

Why do you need to "correct" Peggy? Is there harm in letting her be wrong about this? You could always go along and just listening and framing your comments without the use of gender. 

HB

May flowers

Our LOs have so little joy in life, if she has a crush on someone she thinks is a man, I don’t see any harm in just letting it go. My FIL sometimes thinks I’m his late wife and I don’t correct him because it’s comforting for him, but he never tried to kiss me or anything. If that were the case, then yeah, I’d have to set the record straight, lol.

If you think she will ask the caregiver out and create an awkward situation, that might be different. Like M1 said, the MC folks have seen it all. I would probably just give them a heads up.

MN Chickadee

Is it possible to just leave it alone? Maybe pull that staff member aside and make friends. My sister's perception and vision are bad, and in her mind she thinks you are male. She adores you, thank you for all the great care. She just knows she likes you and who wouldn't! This staff person has probably seen it all and won't care. Can you let Peggy go with it? It's not like anything is going to become of it regardless of the person's gender. Let her believe what she wants. If she is upset she can't get involved with this person just say it's against company rules, not allowed in the workplace, he is already married or whatever will fly.

Rescue mom

Why do you have to tell her anything? Is there harm in just letting it go? I’m sure the staff knows such “crushes” happen, and how to handle it. (It’s not uncommon, with staff or others who are totally inappropriate).

Your LO may get upset because nothing comes of it, and you can deal with that then—as others say, say there are rule, or the person is married, whatever works best. But is there any problem with just letting her think whatever now?

Mom's Baby

I would just let it go, and there's no need to embarrass the caregiver in my opinion, either. Even if you somehow get Peggy to understand in the moment that this person is a woman, will she remember? This too shall pass. I don't see any reason to correct Peggy.

dayn2nite2

No need to address it at all.  I’m the daughter in that referenced thread whose mom and her roommate thought the other was a man.  It’s pretty common.

GothicGremlin

Thank you all so much for all of this good advice. Having this crush really does add a lot of joy to Peggy's life (I agree with May flowers) and I certainly don't want to rain on Peggy's parade.

M1 - Peggy's friend tells me the caregiver's name is Sonja (Sonya?) so that's a fairly feminine name..

I agree with everyone who posted - I don't need to correct Peggy on this. I'm mostly fretting because I think Peggy will have issues once she realizes that her crush/caregiver is a woman and not a man.  But maybe I'm worrying for nothing - she's later stage 6 and maybe her old issues have largely been forgotten. 

The only thing that would be wrong is a relationship between a staff member and a resident, and I think there is zero chance of that happening here.

Maybe I'll do what MN Chickadee suggests - bring it up with the caregiver next time I'm there in the morning. Chances are high she already knows because Peggy has never had a good poker face. Now that all of her filters are gone, she has even less of a poker face.

dayn2nite2

If you’d like a chuckle, here’s the thread we were talking about.

 https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147560020

GothicGremlin

That thread made me laugh - out loud, even!  

GothicGremlin

Resolved - in a good way.

Yesterday I was talking to Peggy on the phone and the first thing out of her mouth was that her "friend" is a woman. She didn't sound upset, so I asked her how she came to that conclusion. She didn't really give me an answer, so I didn't press, but Peggy said that Sonja is a good person and that they will be friends. Peggy is seemingly taking this new development in stride, so I'm glad for that.  whew

SusanB-dil

Good resolution!  

i know, we worry enough, right?!!