My dad thinks I am his sister

DeniseMc

We have been in the hospital for a week trying to find out if he has pancreatic Cancer which is what the PET scan showed. I am his only living child. He asks for my brother all the time but not me. He asks for his wife all the time but not me. But I know from my mom years ago that he didn't want me. Is that why is doesn't ask for me. My brother passed 5/18 and my mother passed 1/19.....  He lives with me, I care for him, I have no caregivers, I quit my job to care for him, I am POA, But I am nobody to him. Please pray.

HamsterInWheel

Hi honey, I'm an only child caring for my dad with dementia and he thinks I have a sister.  He is always asking me where she is, and also where my late mom is.  He knows that she passed away last year, but believes that she comes back from the dead.

harshedbuzz

Denise-

I am sorry for the whole situation in which you find yourself.

Dementia caregiving is hard. Dementia caregiving alone for a parent who wasn't all they should have been as a parent is a special kind of suckitude. 

I can very much relate to what you are describing. My own dad and I never had the best of relationships for a lot of reasons. And I had a younger sister who was his mini-me (she not only favored him looks-wise, she has many of the same personality traits/mental health issues) who died at 33 which set him off into a tailspin of drinking which resulted in him having mixed dementia (he had Alzheimer's and an alcohol-related WKS). Dad talked about my sister constantly; the very last conversation I ever had with him was all about her which was a weirdly fitting closure to our relationship. 

I think a couple things were in play here. For most PWD, memory loss tends to operate in a FILO system and what memory sticks aside from that is often information with a significant emotional weight to it. For my dad, a couple factors were in play. In one sense, I think he knew on some level that he was losing memory of something very dear to him and it pained him. This may be where you dad is mentally- trying to make sense of why people important to him aren't there. 

Dad was hazy on my sister depending on where his head was at as well- was she a feisty teen, playing house as a young wife and mother, an addict, sick or dead? He wasn't sure; she was like Schrodinger's Cat both dead and alive in the same conversation. It's possible he is living mentally in a time when you were much younger and he doesn't recognize you as an adult. I have a friend who cared for her mom in her own home and was crushed when her mom "demoted" her to mere caregiver while bragging about her awesome daughter. 

I'd done plenty of work around my dysfunctional relationship with my dad prior to his illness which allowed me to be somewhat pragmatic in assisting my mom with care decisions. I will say, too, that my dad's personality changed in the final weeks of his life and what relationship we had improved a great deal which was something of a bonus I'd not expected. 

Good luck going forward. 

HB

Fairyland

Hi Denise

Sorry for your trouble and distress, and having no support with this disaster.

What I found hardest to get my head around was that the person I knew for so long is (often) no longer there.  Their brain is broken. It’s a completely different ballgame than dealing with any other broken body part. You have to learn re-learn how to live with them in a totally new way and relationship. But, you will.

It’s lonely being an only child, with all the decisions -  I am too.You are definitely an important SOMEONE to him, whether he knows that or not, in fact you are the center of his world, but now you have to hold onto that reality, for both of you, because he can’t anymore.

He may be suffering from hospital-induced delirium, if he is worse than normal. It is very common even without dementia. Discuss with the hospital if this is a possibility.

Dot9000

Denise, it is very hard. My brother and I had to take classes that were held at the local library. They were given by the Alz Assoc. You learn that their brain just isn't working and it is so hard, but you just need to remember that one thing. He will forget you one day. It's not him, it's his broken brain. He may say hurtful things or look at you funny. It's his broken brain. There are many things we have to change to deal with them after they get sick, but the main thing is they are not the parent we knew. Please try to get help, neighbors, Senior Services, anyone. It can happen that caregivers die before the patient - just from all the stress, anxiety and depression involved. Please try to get support. Take care of yourself. And don't let the things he says affect you. They are not real, but products of a damaged brain. Take care. ♥