My mom passed; had to call police on HWD

Lynne D

My mom had a brain bleed and we were notified she was on comfort care on Monday night. We were planning on seeing her Tuesday and were on our way, at a hotel after an 8 hour drive. I decided to push through and drive the remaining three hours to see her. We arrived at 1:00am. She was not conscious. I got to say goodbye. We left at 6:30 to get some breakfast and she passed at 6:45.

Sleep deprivation, unfamiliar surroundings, and heightened emotions all contributed to my HWD having a meltdown, throwing a punch at my brother, wrenching my daughter’s arm, and later at night, assaulting me. I called the police. By the time they arrived they assessed him as agitated but not violent. They said their community did not have adequate resources to handle the situation and that this was a gray area.  They suggested I sleep elsewhere (we were at an AirBnB). I was in my PJs and when I went back to get some clothes, I found he had locked me out.

Lessons:

His behavior can deteriorate in a flash and is ugly and dangerous.

I need more respite care now and need to set up overnight care so I can be with friends and family who are far away.

HWD’s traveling days are over. Home he stays.

I am sacrificing relationships with family to care for him. There is an imbalance that needs to be corrected.

I do not regret my decision as being with my mom was the most important thing. I am devastated by her loss and my HWD lacks the capacity for empathy. I cannot even grieve in his presence because it triggers him. I even feel cheated out of my emotions by his dementia.

What I did:

Today I had a call with his palliative care group. They are adding Namenda to his drug regimen and a social worker will call to schedule with me next week.

I re-engaged with a caregiver who was unavailable about having her back and brought up overnights.

I scheduled a tour of a memory care facility for next week, to explore placement and respite stay options.

To those of you who have lost a parent with whom you were close: I understand your loss now. This is so hard. She was my strongest moral support on my HWD and what I am facing. She is a beautiful soul. I wish I had faith or religion. All I feel is a void and irreplaceable loss and sorrow. 

Quilting brings calm

Lynne 

First, I’m sorry about the loss of your mom.  I’m glad you got to say goodbye.  I’m sorry that HWD got so worked up and that it got physical.  I’m sorry that you can’t even grieve properly now. I don’t see anything else you could have done besides what you did. Your mom’s sudden brain bleed didn’t leave time for you to get respite care so that HWD could stay home. You were all sleep deprived and grieving afterwards and the end result was the meltdown. 

I’m sorry that the police response was not a trip to a hospital for your husband.  I don’t know how  they thought your sleeping elsewhere was going to keep your HWD safe in a strange place - although it would keep you safe. What did you end up doing?  Did you get back inside to your things? 

CStrope

Lynne I am so sorry for what you're going through.  I lost my mom to cancer almost 23 years ago, I was only 36.  She too was my rock, my emotional support, the person I called when I just needed someone to tell me things were going to be okay.  Boy I sure could use her now.  With every outing and every car ride I see more and more issues with my DH.  The anxiety, stress, and overall unpleasantness continues to get worse.  I'm sure I'll be like you and one day it will be a disaster, which will be the last time I take him anywhere.

All I can say is I'm glad you had such a good relationship with your mom.  You will continue to find that even though she's gone, you will continue to find comfort and emotional support from her through her words, memories, and most of all the example she set for you as a woman.

Joydean

Lynne, I am so very sorry about the loss of your dear mom. I know she was/is very important to you. 

This disease just keeps on taking and taking! I’m sorry you feel you can’t even grieve for your loss. I really don’t know if the police taking him to hospital would have helped or not. Since you weren’t in your home area. 

Please know how much all of us care about you. I will be praying for you! Please take care of yourself. I hope his doctors will help. 

M1

Lynne I am so sorry. I am glad her final illness was brief. Sounds like you are finding opportunity in the crisis for appropriate steps that I hope will help in the long run. I wish you peace in your difficult loss. Courage friend and thank you for telling us.

Jo C.

Dear Lynne, I am so very sorry that your beloved mother has died.  Despite the circumstances, it is truly good you were able to see her, and with love, were able to say goodbye.  What a deeply painful loss.

What happened later, on top of everything else, was stunning in its severity.  Words do not suffice.  You are a very proactive person and are taking wise steps to deal with what has become reality.  Not being able to release and grieve due to it being a trigger for agitation is sad, how I wish it were different; my heart goes out to you.

I know that you are quite knowledgeable; and I do apologize for putting this into a message intended for condolences:  Since the propensity for violence has surfaced, and one never knows what may possibly trigger another response in violence after a prior occurrence, please keep anything that can be weaponized out of the line of sight including scissors, knives, bats, golf clubs, tools such as hammers and wrenches, etc.

So hope you have a room with a locking door that you can hurriedly get to if agitated violence occurs.  It is best to have your cell phone on yourself at all times.

I am sorry for putting those reminders into this Post when responding to the loss of your dear mother; but since your HWD advanced in his acting out to the point of violence, and since there are triggers that can agitate him, it is just a good thing to remember and put such precautions into place if not already done.

For behaviors as severe as this, I am not familiar with Namenda being used as priority.  Since he triggers at signs of your grief, it indicates potential for ramping up with other triggers which may in an instant lead to a dangerous situation.

Glad you are getting help in, hopefully all will be okay with behavior toward the aide.  Do check your Homeowner's Policy to ensure that you have coverage for such help in the home.  I had to adjust ours with a rider for covering such care in the home setting.  That you are looking for an alternative care option is excellent, but if he is having bouts of increased agitation and shown that violence is a possibility, he may not be a candidate for such placement even if such behaviors are only sporadic.  Your dementia specialist can address this and treatment options best.  I so hope that such instances will not be repeated.

Again, apologies for inserting dementia reminders into a message of acknowledgement of your dear mother's death.   When I lost my mother, I well remember what that felt like, and the feelings of loss despite being less raw, continue.  May you find peace and solace; know that we here are with you in spirit and are sending our warm thoughts and care your way.

J.

Ed1937

Lynne, I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry dementia made things worse than they should have been.

DrinaJGB

So sorry to learn of the passing of your beloved mother. It is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation.

  I lost my father a few years ago in the midst of caring for my DH with brain damage. I was grateful for the time I got to spend with my father at the end of his life. He lived a hundred miles from me and I was constantly driving back and forth.

After 7 years I still miss my dad. I think about him all the time. He was my rock during the worst time in my life, and we held each other up after losing my brother and only sibling. It never goes away--that grief--but it slowly gets more tolerable. Just yesterday after some good news I walked over ot my desk and kissed his picture.

May you find peace in all of your struggles you are going through and look upon the stars in the night sky to feel the presence and calmness and joy of your darling mother.

dj

toolbeltexpert

Lynne I am so sorry for your loss, I am sorry that you can't grieve.  I am praying for you to feel God's presence, for your situation going forward, that it will be easier.

Beachfan

Lynne, I’m sorry for the loss of your mom, and especially for the situation in which you found yourself with DH.  That surely added to your stress and grief.  I hope you can find peace and comfort in the days ahead.

Lorita

Lynne, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother - it's a loss we never get over.  Also sorry for the problems you're having with your HWD - dementia of any kind always makes things harder to deal with.  Sounds like you're in the process of making good decisions about his care though.  Again, I'm so sorry - I lost my mother almost 26 years ago to alzheimers, only 13 months after I lost my dad.  You never get over those losses or the loss of a husband or wife.

Jo C.

Thinking of you Lynne, and hope things have settled a bit more and that you have been able to find some moments of peace.

J.

Lynne D

Thanks to all of you beautiful people for your words of support, suggestions, and caring.

Pam BH

Lynne, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, your rock through all this, and for the complete disruption of your grieving her loss. We here on this forum completely understand what you went through and proud that you handled it well and are making plans to cope with all the uncertainties of caring for a PWD. I pray that you will find a place and time to yourself to grieve your beautiful mother and find faith.

mrl

Lynne,

I'm so sorry....

Michele

Jeff86

Lynne,

Adding my deep condolences on the loss of your mother.  Such a big hole it leaves.  

And of course AD makes everything worse.  I am sorry for your DH’s most challenging responses to the situation, and I hope the good steps you are taking to give yourself some options bring you to good solutions.  

You are in my thoughts.

David J

Lynn, my condolences for your loss. I understand you have no time for grief, but I hope you find time while your HWD is cared for by others. My wife has been violent occasionally and even if no one is seriously hurt, it is terrible and sad. Stay strong.

Crushed

My sympathies DW's mother died in 1983 and she always missed her

caberr

I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing a mom is so hard. II lost my mom in July.  She was also my strongest moral support.  She was 4 hours away, but we spoke all the time and I could talk to her about anything.  

I'm sorry your DH made things worse. This disease is so unfair.  Glad you are looking into the help you need.  I hope it goes well. 

abc123

Dear Lynne, there are so many things I would like to tell you. I am deeply sorry over the loss of your mother. I can only imagine what you are going through. I am standing on the edge of the cliff of losing my own mother. I am not doing well. Many mixed emotions. While I realize your husbands terrible behavior is due to this terrible disease, I am angry with him right now for your sake. You deserve every right to have the time and space to grieve for your mother and you can't because of him. As caregivers to someone with dementia, we loose our rights to everything and yet we must carry on because we have no other choice. 

I hope you will be able to place him quickly so he will be safe and get medication to help him. There comes a time for all of us when our LO's just can't function away from their everyday surroundings. It happened to us in a packed restaurant. What happened to you was unavoidable. You had to see your mother. I'm so sorry. I hope your family will come to understand what you have been  through and give you the respect and support you deserve. Lynne, you are in my heart and in my prayers. Please keep us posted when you can. You have all of us here! We are on your side and we care. I hope you can get some rest. 

ImMaggieMae

Lynne, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and for the problems you had with your HWD. I’m glad you’re taking steps to deal with his care. I know that isn’t easy either. I wish you weren’t in this awful situation.

Jeff86

Jeff86 wrote:

Lynne,

Adding my deep condolences on the loss of your mother.  Such a big hole it leaves.  

And of course AD makes everything worse.  I am sorry for your DH’s most challenging responses to the situation, and I hope the good steps you are taking to give yourself some options bring you to good solutions.  

You are in my thoughts.

dayn2nite2

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom.  I don't care how young or old, that is a devastating loss.

Not being able to grieve is even worse.

Namenda isn't going to help his behavior at all.  I would ask his team to go back to the drawing board.

Vitruvius

As I'm sure you know Namenda is to slow down memory loss although no one seems really sure it works. The neurologist put DW on Namenda but it didn't go well, she developed headaches and possibly stomach issues. The problem is it's hard to know as the PWD often can't communicate their specific issues. That was the case with DW. I was just barely able to discern that she was experiencing side effects. Needless to say we stopped it after a short while. 

I am also very sorry to hear about how your trip went.

Bob in LW

Lynne, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and the problems you had with your DH.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Buggsroo

Lynne,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It is heartbreaking that your husband acted up during this fraught time. Sadly our partners with dementia are very much like petulant toddlers. It can be very trying when the caregiver has to yet again suck it up. 

I think you have made some very important decisions. I wish you peace and sending you a virtual hug.

RNS

Lynne,  I am so sorry about the loss of your mother.  I am relatively new to this group and you have been so kind and encouraging to me when I posted.  I hope you can find some peace and comfort.   

CaregiverHelen

My deepest condolences on your loss. Losing my mom was the worst day of my life, so I know how it feels. I hope you will be able to find your own time for grieving. It is never easy. And  might I ask what does HWD stand for?

ButterflyWings

(((Lynne))) I am so sorry for your loss but what a blessing that you were able to say goodbye. May she rest in perfect peace. As a motherless daughter for many years now, I will tell you my deep faith and spiritual grounding did not change the feelings of an immeasurable void and irreplaceable loss. It gets manageable in time but I will always, always, miss my mom. I've learned she is still with me though. Take all the time you can, and need, to grieve. I am finally at peace with the sudden loss of my first love, who was my dear mother. Yes, until you experience it, it just isn't possible to understand. It is another club no one wants to join yet here we are. My deepest condolences to you.

And oh, my heart goes out to you for the dementia meltdown and other dynamics you had to deal with at this terribly sad and challenging time. I admire your clear assessment of what this means, and what to do about it. Despite the dramatic and dangerous fallout with your DH it seems you made the best of your choices at the time and with only minutes to spare, were able to be with your dear mom when it counted. Your next steps sound like you've accomplished so much already, to put safety and necessary changes in place. You are helping me see some things in my own situation more clearly, actually, by your analysis and the options you have identified. All of which sounds right on point. 

I am so glad you were not hurt physically, and pray the emotional pain of these overlapping layers of loss will subside in time. We are with you.

Marie58

Lynne, I'm so sorry for your loss. But what  blessing that you got there in time to tell your Mom good-bye and express your love. You're in my prayers for God's peace and comfort during your grieving and for the strength that only God can provide to move forward.

JoseyWales

Lynne, my heart goes out to you. I just can't imagine losing my mom, and trying to take care of my husband like you did. I'm so glad you were able to say goodby to your mom, but that doesn't lessen the heartbreak.