When is the right time to begin to live again?

riajean

Hello, this might sound strange, but in the right context - who knows.  My husband of 33 years is in memory care.  Deep into stage six, he's declined rapidly since placing him last August.  Working full time, I see him weekly and have been going through this tortuous loss going into 8 years now.  I'm alone.  No friends, only work relationships.  Been living off my family and friends for the past several years.  When is the right time to make new friends, even a male friend - nothing serious; a companion; a friend, someone to get to know who can actually have a conversation?  Go to dinner?  Just a friend.

My husband is going to leave at some point and I'm devastated by that but am dying myself with constant sadness, grief, despair, loneliness.  Realizing I cannot live through my sister or my friends.  They have lives.  Though they're caring and lovely, I'm still here .....

Thoughts?

Crushed

Same situation 12 years on from diagnosis.  It's almost 4 years since DW had any idea who I was.  Children are totally supportive.   I'll go to dinner with anyone .The problem is always that I was married to "Wonder Woman"  and I can't get her out of my head.  All I have to do is see her at memory care and I melt inside.  I talked to her in a stairwell in September 1971 when she was 19  and she was always the love my life.  She will be 70 in May and lovely as ever.

I hate this disease

I hate the universe

Ed1937

Riajean, In my opinion there is nothing wrong to have friends of either sex. Just going out to dinner with a man could offer something that friendship with a woman just can't match. That doesn't mean you have to be passionate in a relationship. The general population might not look kindly on you having dinner with another man, but the general population can't satisfy your needs either. You are still a human being You can still be in your husband's corner.

M1

Riajean if it feels like the right time to you, then it's the right time.  No one else's business, period.

French

Riajean, 

I placed my partner in December. Call him everyday. Ask for news everyday.

On Monday I noticed that I was more depressed than before placing him. I decided it should change and that I have to live again. Me being  depressed won’t help him but being happy yes till I continue to care for him.

I need to dress better, pay attention to my appearance and get out. I had a really good day. It's been a long time. I hope tomorrow will be the same ! 

loveskitties

Riajean,

You have to meet your own needs.

If you feel the need for companionship then do it.

Do not let anyone make you feel guilty or uncomfortable about reaching out for friendships.

Those who might judge have not walked in your shoes.

Rescue mom

Riajean, long before my DH had Alzheimer’s, we knew several people who had spouses or SOs in facilities, or at home with aide; either way, the spouse had major dementia and was unaware of the world. 

The “well” spouses did indeed find companions of the opposite sex. They went out to events together, did things together, etc. 

I don’t know about private matters, but they were absolutely out and about with a companion. And nobody, not a single person, criticized them for it. I was honestly a bit surprised, given how conservative people here are. But people knew the spouse with dementia was well cared for, and could not function. The overwhelming response was “good for her/him” for being able to have some level of normal life. Its nobody’s business regardless, just saying.

A. Marie

I'm wrestling with the same problem, riajean, and have the same lack of answers. I placed my DH 9 months ago. It took me the first 6 months first to recover physically from caregiving (catch up on sleep, etc.)--but the past 3 months have been the loneliest period of my life. My sibs and DH's one surviving sib all have their own problems and live far away--and although I have wonderful, supportive neighbors and friends, I still find myself staring into the void far too often. So no advice from me--just reassurance that you aren't the only one.

Jeff86

This is a totally appropriate subject, and while each of us may answer it differently, the common element I think is the utter loneliness that results from caring for a spouse with AD.

The need for companionship is a basic human need, and companionship is one of the things that goes out the window with disease progression.  If you are ready, then it’s the right time for you.

Lynne D

Riajean,

Losing my mother four days ago, I realized that the time I spend on my HWD is lopsided to the time I spend on myself and other relationships. I vote you begin living NOW.

Joydean

Riajean, it’s your life and your decision. No one else has the right to tell you how to live it, and those that try have never gone through what you are going through. Live your life, it’s the only one you’ve going to get! 

Try it and see for your self, you will know. 

CaregiverHelen

I was so sorry to read of your dear mother’s passing. My condolences. I lost my mom in 2016 and still think about her every day. At least now it is with a smile, not tears as much. And may I ask, what does HWD stand for?

Stuck in the middle

riajean wrote:

 I'm . . . devastated by that but am dying myself with constant sadness, grief, despair, loneliness.  

Meals On Wheels says loneliness is as deadly as smoking 16 cigarettes per day.  You are not exaggerating when you say you are dying.  Short answer, I think now is a good time to make new friends. 

shardy

Wow, I had no idea anyone would consider frowning on this, it's not the 1920's... Jim is still home but when his assistant comes I go out with one of the guys. It's nice to be treated like a female instead of having to mother someone and nice having good conversation etc. And while people have stopped by to ask how Jim is no one has ever made any inappropriate comments about it.. And frankly it's nobody's business. I vote the time is now.

abc123

NOW! Start NOW!

ButterflyWings

Dearest Riajean - thank you for inviting us to weigh in on something we all must face at some point, and make our own decision. I vote NOW! You matter. Please live, love, and know you are doing the right thing.

Crushed - you married Wonder Woman and I, Superman. So I truly understand how connected you still are to a technically 'gone' LO (in my case anyway),  and what a parallel universe that puts us in...knowing rationally there is a time to move on in some aspects, but having nowhere yet to go...since what we had was actually our wildest dream. Where do you go from there...? Though I am not as many years into this vortex, it already is so devastating. Yet, just a few minutes ago, he woke up, looked over at me with a smile and said "Hey baby". My heart melted and we laughed as if this entire day was not a roller coaster of dementia fails, him having NO idea who I was, or assigning me multiple different identities from friend, to employee, to son - not to mention all the other crap that goes along with late stage AD.  

I won't say I live for these special increasingly rare lucid moments, I don't...but they make this 24/7 caregiving grind survivable and I want to do this for him/with him, for as long as I can. At least for another day, week, month...year? Here in 6d...I have no idea what the next stage is for me as caregiver and the 6 months of catching up on sleep that someone just referred to...sounds like heaven to me - way more appealing than a date, or confidante, or lover lol. A new friend, companion, love? Can't think that far ahead but I am certain it should not be taboo for anyone who is ready, and I wish you all the best Riajean, Shardy, French and everyone who chooses to live a full life again. Agree 1000% that it is nobody's business. Bless you!

CGHelen - HWD=husband with dementia

loc3762

TODAY!  Why should Alzheimer's take both your lives?

DrinaJGB

I have grappled with this question for many years but most especially recently. I have been caregiver of DH for over a decade with no intimacy or much of conversations at all. I daydream at times about going to dinner or a walk in the forest or the beach with a male companion again just for the supreme comfort of it and joy of conversation.

  It is that one thing---more than the intimacy and lack of touch--that I truly long for the most.

I have locked myself away with a protective wall around me for so long though, that I frankly would not know how to go about any of it any longer. I know this for certain now because I have come across recently a man who was overtly actually flirting with me. I closed up--even though I felt a surprising zing of a thrill upon realizing what he was doing. I just couldn't handle it. Run sheep run.

 But that is me and has nothing whatever to do with what you are dealing with now. I totally understand.

I say to you to do whatever your soul needs and do not worry what anyone says. Those who have not walked your walk have no right for any kind of judgement of what you do--nor what you need to survive the effects of this cruel and relentless disease.

Jo C.

The right time is when it is right for you and it sounds as though the time has arrived.  You are not abandoning your husband; you still are a presence in his life even though he does not know the fullness of that; you are still his advocate and will ensure his quality of care.  None of that has changed. You are not doing anything wrong or improper, especially under the circumstances.  As has been mentioned by others, no one else's business.

Friendship has no gender.  I am dearly married and I have had a few casual male friends over time . . . just that; friends, nothing untoward. 

There was however, one time I felt judgmental regarding a male, a well known TV personality whose wife had dementia.  He had develeloped a love relationship with another woman; but it wasn't the romance that was an issue, it was the absolutely blatant purposeful circumstances that bothered me as it seemed the wife, in a way, was being exploited.

The wife was in a top drawer facility; on film she seemed a lovely person; sweet personality and calm of demeanor; she seemed to know who her husband was, she could engage in conversation, but was foggy.  Husband not only had developed a deep love relationship with another woman but had moved her into his home where they lived as a married couple.  Okay; still his business.  The problem issue for me . . . and why he did the following I do not know; except perhaps to justify himself?  Certainly that may have been.

What he did was to film the dynamics of a visit with all three of them together for national TV.  He introduced his lady love who appeared to be a pleasant person.

He filmed taking his lady love with him filming their visit with his dear wife at her facility.  According to him, they visited the wife often.   Well; anyway, he had his and his lady love filmed at one of their visits with his wife. The wife was a dear and welcomed their visit.  Okay; their business whether the lady love visited the true wife or not.  What bothered the dickens out of me was that there she was; the wife, fully exposed . . . she had no way to consent to her being filmed and broadcast nationally for all to see on a television program.  That non-consented exposure seemed to me to be the "unfaithful" part.   Really put me off and seemed to serve no one but the personality making the film.  Just my feelings at the time.

Do give yourself permission to begin to get out and about and if invited to a lunch or dinner or other outing by a pleasant gentleman, no reason not to accept as you wish.  Your radar will tell you whether or not a male is a gentleman who will enjoy your company or whether the fellow may possibly be a lech on the prowl.  No mistaking the signals.

You have a lot of votes saying you are at the right time - so; give yourself permission. 

J.

CStrope

I continue to ask myself if when the situation is acceptable for me to venture out again, will I be able to.  Will I still be a person that someone even wants to interact with.  It is my greatest worry.  I live in a small community, and have very little interaction with other community members.  Now that I work from home, and deal with my DHWD, I really have no life outside of my house.  There was a time when I was a very outgoing, and fun person, but those days are gone.  Will that person know how to emerge again once I get that chance?????

jfkoc

Now and I strongly suggest doing something "new" with new people.

Bob in LW

CStrope wrote:

I continue to ask myself if when the situation is acceptable for me to venture out again, will I be able to.  Will I still be a person that someone even wants to interact with.  It is my greatest worry.  I live in a small community, and have very little interaction with other community members.  Now that I work from home, and deal with my DHWD, I really have no life outside of my house.  There was a time when I was a very outgoing, and fun person, but those days are gone.  Will that person know how to emerge again once I get that chance?????

As you describe your situation, it appears that you need interaction with others now, rather than later.  If you could find a club to join, perhaps you could find someone, maybe a family member, to stay with your DWHD for just a few hours, while you attend a weekly meeting.  Another thought- find a charitable organization that needs volunteers and sign up to help them for four hours or so a week.  I'm sure that the outgoing fun person within you still exists.

CStrope

Thank you Bob, the only family near is my 28 year old son, who has been wonderful at helping out with his dad when he can.  Our small rural community has a limited amount of places or groups for interaction.  I have been allowing myself a relaxation facial every 7-8 weeks or so, but that ends up being total quiet time (also very needed).  I struggle with finding "me time" and also finding ways to interact with others. Hopefully when it warms up I'll be able to walk in the park and meet up with others.