In need of direction

TheresaC

I have a dilemma and would love some suggestions on how to handle it.

My mother has dementia and I am her only caregiver as far as family goes. I have power of attorney as far as medical goes at the moment. She lives in my home but still owns a condo in a town about 45 minutes away. 

My dilemma: my brother comes to visit and takes her to the condo spending 3 to 4 weeks there with her. He does not trust prescribed medications and tries to change things to “natural or herbal” while she is in his care. He also brings his dog and cat with him but does not clean up after them. He has literally no idea how to properly take care of our mother and refuses to listen to anything I have to say. 

The last several times that he has visited, he left the condo in not so nice condition as he does not clean while he is there. Between my daughter and I we have had to go down after he has left and clean up animal feces inside the home, strip all beds, vacuum, sweep and mop, scrub the bathrooms and do all laundry. We have even had to throw rugs and shampoo carpets.  He is quite capable of cleaning up after himself and mother but doesn’t do so because he knows I will do it, as I can’t stand the filth.

Am I within my rights to refuse to allow him to take her? Am I just being petty? 

Honest opinions please. I’ve heard he is going behind my back making plans. What do I do? 

jfkoc

I do not think you are being petty at all and you certainly have options but you will not know how many and which are best without legal help.

A certified elder law attorney will cost some serious money but the money will be well spent. At the very least there need to be a DPOA for finances and health. Additionally you will want to look at possible Medicaid need in the future and setting up a Trust.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m wondering what conversations you’ve had with him about the cleaning issue alone.  If he’s not going to clean then maybe he needs to pay for a house cleaner and a poop scooper.  If I were you I would not clean up after him again.  Let him go back to the filth if he left it that way and/or refuse to allow mom to go unless it is clean, but again, don’t do it yourself.  If he’s coming to help and give you respite, leaving you with his filth is not helping.  Either is changing up her meds.  

He may think you’re nitpicking but her health is your responsibility.  When she comes back to you, how is she? Has he done things that compromises her baseline due to meds or anything else?  Is she “healthy”? 

If he’s working behind the scenes, why?  What does he want? Control? 

Not sure about your sibling relationship.  Maybe someone like a social worker or some type of dementia care specialist can come and speak with you both so he can get a good understanding of what’s really going on from an objective observer? 

I’m so thankful my sibling and I are on the same page.  If we weren’t, I have no clue where we’d be.  My mother asked me when she was getting her legal paperwork in order, which was quite a few years before her diagnosis, if my brother and I could get along and handle things as a team.  We could and are, thank goodness. 

I’m so sorry for your tribulations! 

TheresaC

Thank you for taking the time to reply. We have fortunately gotten everything in a trust which makes things so much easier. I also have power of attorney pertaining to medical. 

Looking for an attorney as her’s has retired. I think you are correct in saying I need to get these things in motion. 

TheresaC

I don’t have many conversations with my brother. His opinion is that he is an adult and I can’t tell him what to do. He’s stated he does not need my advice or direction in taking care of our mother. My youngest daughter tried to speak with him as well but she received the same kind of responses. 

The last time he had her it took me almost a month to get her back taking her medication and wearing her oxygen again. He won’t hire a house cleaner saying that it isn’t that bad when he leaves.  

I think it’s fantastic that you and your sibling work together. You are very lucky to have that support. 

Thank you for your response to my thread.  It’s much appreciated 

abc123

Who has DPOA over her finances? If it's him, you could be in a bind. If he blows thru her money how will you pay for her meds and doctors appointments. Does he have access to her money? Document the filth and unsanitary conditions at her condo with pictures. Document the problems he causes. Call the hot line here and ask to speak to a care consultant for advice. There is no charge for this service and they are highly trained professionals. Can you change the locks on the condo? Something just doesn't feel right about how he is behaving. Good luck!

harshedbuzz

TheresaC wrote:

Am I within my rights to refuse to allow him to take her? Am I just being petty? 

If you have her POA for medical, it is not only your right to keep him from interfering with her day-to-day medical care, but also your legal responsibility to do so. At a time when your mom had the cognition to make a decision, she chose you to protect her and act on her behalf. Full stop. 

Alas, since this is your responsibility, your hands would be tied around an APS report of her living in filth in his care. I even wonder if "not returning her" constitutes kidnapping. You might call your local area agency on aging and ask about this. This whole scenario smacks of bad co-parenting with a Disney-Dad.

I would also engage a service to clean the apartment and document that. A cleaning service would create a paper trail, taking photographs makes sense too.

MN Chickadee

Oh I would stop letting him take her, it is a detriment to her health in a variety of ways.  She chose you as POA it is your job to protect her even when it gets hard like this dynamic with your brother.  Having to take a month to get her back to her baseline with medications and oxygen is not ok. I would consult an attorney, both to cover yourself and to give you leverage. Then you can tell your brother my attorney says I have a legal duty to protect mom, that includes following doctors orders and prescribed medication. So she stays with me, no more overnights with him. If you want him to still see her I would set boundaries. He may visit her in your home at these times. End of discussion. The attorney can give you the legal jargon to justify it. An attorney who practices mostly in elder law would be preferable.

SusanB-dil

agree with other posts to stop having him take mom immediately.

It sounds like he is using the condo as a hotel vacation spot.  that you end up being responsible for cleaning...  uh. NO. that is unacceptable.  And unacceptable, inappropriate, immature behavior on his part.  agree - consult a lawyer, this needs to not happen again.  and not only cleaning up the condo, but you will end up fixing up the meds more and more as time goes on and her diagnosis progresses. Herbals and organics have their place, but i think they should be used in conjunction with other meds that are known to work, but it sounds like brother could actually do more harm than good.

TheresaC

I want to thank each and everyone of you for your input. You have given me wise advice that I will be acting on pretty quickly. 

I appreciate the fact that you all feel as though I’m not being petty. I’ve had other family members state that I am but no one to step up and help.  

MN Chickadee

Ah yes, isn’t it great when people have opinions but aren’t willing to actually do anything? Easy for them to say when they don’t have to live with a PWD who has been off their medications and out of her routine, or collect pet feces out of the condo. I would let the comments roll off and stick to your guns. This isn’t just about convenience for you, it’s about a vulnerable adult who can’t advocate for herself.

mommyandme (m&m)

TheresaC,

Your mom gave you the authority in the medical POA to take control of her health care.  

Your brother will have to take your advice and direction regarding her health.  His opinion doesn’t legally matter.  Don’t let him take control of her health anymore, even for three to four weeks.  

Legal advice is a definite especially since he’s not honoring you and, in turn, your mom.  Hopefully her finances are under your control too.  If not, time to gain control if possible.  

I’m just so sorry.